September 20, 2004

What's That You Say? Pirates?

Well, I know it's technically no longer "Talk Like a Pirate" day, but I was occupied with football and work, so shut yer festering gob, or I'll keelhall ye!

I wanted to do the pirate thing up right, but I'm just not in a pirate-y mood. I do have something with a smattering of pirate in it, which I thought I'd share...out of desperation to fit in during a mindless holiday.

The Setup: Back in my misspent youth, I asked a lovely young lass out on a date. Hoping to allay any reservations she might have, and thinking I was both funny and charming, I said: "I'm not an axe murderer or anything, you know." She asked me: "Can I have that in writing?" Apparently, she thought she was funny too. Anyway, the following was the result. I have changed to names to protect the innocent. And me.

Attorney at Law
3rd Apt. behind the liquor store
Sleezeville, USA 12345
phone 867-5309

This paper constitutes a testimonial to the character of the party of the first part, one: Serious, Dead and his promise to the party of the second part, one: Jones, Mary, that--in such event as it is ever deemed prudent as well as pleasurable for the party of the second part to accompany the party of the first part on an outing consisting of various nighttime activities to be specified, in whole or in part, previous to the outing, and contingent upon the query of the party of the first part as well as the acceptance of the party of the second part--he is not now nor ever was an axe murderer.

I. Party Classification
Due to extreme confusion, and the surgeon general's warning that excessive partying can be detrimental to your health, there will be a renaming of the aforementioned parties. The party of the second part, formerly known as Mary will now be known as Dandelion Stem, while the party of the second part, formerly known as Dead Serious, will now be known as Lemon Custard. Call me Ishmael. Have you seen the great white whale? I...oh excuse me, there's someone at the door. I'll be right back.

II. The Power of the Attorney
Hello. This is Dead Serious. I have fired my lawyer. Actually I have knocked him unconscious. I ventured to his house to check the progress of this statement. A short time after ringing the bell, the door was flung open. There before me was my lawyer, wearing cutoffs, with a broom handle protruding from his pantleg, a stuffed parrot on his shoulder, and an eyepatch. Not amused at my chuckling over his clever costume, he feinted at me with a large cutlass, screaming "Avast! To the crow's nest with ye, ye scurvy dog! We've whales to harpoon!" I immediately parried his thrust with my briefcase, knocking the cutlass from his hand. I clinched with him and we grappled. The madman possesses the strength of ten men. Now I know what power of attorney means. He eventually broke free and tried to escape, but I brought him down with a flying tackle across the coffee table. Knocking him out, I took the opportunity to tie him up. He just recently has come to, and despite his bellowing cries of "Mutiny!", I find I can keep him at bay by jabbing him sharply in the ribs with a fire poker. I have called the local asylum and shall try to finish this while I wait for them to arrive.

III. Back to the Basics
Firstly, I do not like Lemon custard, nor do I bear even the remotest resemblance to it. Therefore, I would like to be known as Dead Serious. And although I must admit that I find the name Dandelion Stem not altogether unattractive, for continuity's sake I will revert to using the name Mary.

IV. Safety Check
The basic idea behind this statement is that if Mary agrees to join me on a date, she will not have to worry about waking up in several sections in a trunk inside a bus station locker. I do not own an axe, machete, halberd, chainsaw, spear, circular saw or drill press. As far as knives go, I have never killed anything more than a stick of butter with one. I do have several cooking knives as well as a Swiss Army knife, but I almost never bring these on dates. (Technically, I'm not even a member of the Swiss Army.) I also do not bring the following on dates: high-powered rifles, incendiary devices, handguns, or explosives (except on special occasions, and then only small explosives. Honest.)

I promise to be a gentleman and to not participate in any violent activities unless defending Mary from the evil fleshy-headed mutants that are known to live underground in the sewers and come up at night to satisfy their craving for human flesh. I, personally, have no animosity towards these creatures, as it was radiation that made the poor devils enemies of society. Even so, consuming the living is illegal, disgusting, and thoroughly naughty.

In conclusion, I shall follow the above stipulations to the best of my knowledge and capability. Amen.(I suppose I shall have to have my lunatic lawyer sign this document also, or its legality might be in question.)

I remain,

Dead Serious

Robert M. Blind, Lunatic.

1 comment:

  1. Aw, man. This is so brilliant! :D Reminds of a little press release the Harvard Lickwit emailed me, early in our, erm, ill-fated “courtship.” Some two or three pages long, the circa-2000 piece (very comically written, I might add) detailed upcoming improvements to his less-than-hip Harlem apartment. A brilliant anticipation of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I must say.

    Anyway, once I am a) significantly more well-rested, and b) finished with my big day tomorrow*, I am so posting a link to this.

    Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

    *See a certain other site for details.