September 05, 2011

Touched By An Angel. (Hey, Shut Up! A Guy Can Dream, Can't He?)

I don't have high hopes for the new version of "Charlie's Angels." Let's face it--despite being the driving force behind my transition into puberty, the original wasn't exactly "Masterpiece Theater." But since I would watch Minka Kelly read from the phone book for an hour, you can bet your sweet speakerphone I'll be tuning in.

In fact, the only thing that would make me miss the season opener of "Charlie's Angels" would be that "24-hour Eva Mendes rope skipping" channel I've been working on.

Now start with the "A"s...and speak verrry slooowly

September 04, 2011

So...There's No App For That?

It appears that Apple has lost another of their iPhone prototypes in a bar. If you remember, the iPhone 4 prototype was lost a while back. This time, it's the iPhone 5. It was apparently left in the San Francisco bar, Cava 22. First of all, can I just say to Apple, STOP BRINGING YOUR PROTOTYPES TO BARS!! Lock. Your shit. Up. Or stop whining about it.
"Apple had contacted the police claiming the prototype is invaluable, the report says."
Yeah, but not too fucking invaluable to leave at home, I guess. This is like if Batman left the Batmobile outside a 7-11 with the Bat-keys in the Bat-ignition while he ran inside to take a Bat-dump, and then complained when someone drove off with it. At the very least, Apple, if you have to test the prototype in the wild, stop giving it to some idiot who's going to take it to the bar. You just know he was using that shit to get laid. "Hey, ladies! Look what I got!"

But that's not even the real story. The real story, and the reason this pisses me off so much is that Apple searched some guy's house, looking for the phone. That's right--I said Apple searched the guy's house. Not the police (although they "escorted" the Apple investigators). Not only did they not find the phone, they also declined to file a report, which means that they didn't even have to file a police report to get the cops to escort them there in the first place.

A couple of points:
  1. "Apple's team searched the home, car and computer files" Computer files? Is Apple making virtual phones now? Why on earth are they searching computer files looking for an actual, physical phone. Without a search warrant either, obviously, since no police report was filed.
  2. Why did they have to search the guy's house at all? You know what I do when I've lost my cell phone? I CALL MYSELF. How's that for genius, Apple? Yeah, just listen for the ringtone instead of tearing a guy's house up. Oh, I know what you're thinking--suppose it was on "vibrate"? My cell phone also has the ability to punch in a code from another phone and start an ear-splitting alarm. But then what do I know; my phone's not "invaluable." (It's also not an Apple.) 
  3. "The man, who reportedly said he's a U.S. citizen who lives with relatives, told SF Weekly that the people searching his home questioned his family's immigration status." So apart from being douchebags that can't keep track of their shiny baubles, Apple is apparently also racist. No wonder so much of their stuff is white.
  4. "Nor did Apple enlist the Federal Bureau of Investigation."  Nor should they, unless I missed something. Is "iPhone prototype" secret code for "dead hooker"? Last I heard, the FBI had real crimes to investigate, such as murder, kidnapping, and drug trafficking. I think "losing your phone in a bar" falls a little short of their jurisdiction. So Apple, you can just do what the rest of us do when someone walks off with our stuff: fill out a report and wait until Doomsday to hear something, because that shit is gone.
I just find this whole thing distasteful, mostly because of the way Apple has handled it. This wasn't corporate espionage. Nobody broke and entered. Tom Cruise wasn't hanging on little wires, dressed in black neoprene. This was Apple's fault. They were careless with their phone, and then, when they lost it, they impersonated police officers to search a guy's home without so much as a reported crime, much less a warrant, most of which has to violate any number of laws, I would imagine. (That's probably why the actual police stayed outside--they knew better.)

So you know what, Apple? I hope that your employee got shitfaced and dropped the phone on his way out of the bar, where it was found by some homeless dude who's now using it to level off the fourth corner of his refrigerator box under the highway somewhere. Good luck getting that back.

Hat tip to Ken.