September 29, 2004

Do I Have To Give Back The Imaginary Wok?

So I'm watching the Tonight Show, when I happen to notice that Jay's guest is my wife Heather Graham. (No, she's not really my wife; and no, it's not a stalker thing; and yes it's a long story.) Anyway, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. In fact, it's is Tuesday, so...August, I have to say, though, that she's certainly a lovely woman, and a talented actress, but she just came across as a little...ditzy. Unfortunately, as I get older, I realize I need a woman of substance, a woman with whom I can hold an in-depth conversation.

So, dear readers, I'd rather you hear it from me than read it in the tabloids. The pretend marriage is over. It's probably for the best, though. I couldn't take much more. There was the drinking, the phone calls in the middle of the night, the crying for no reason, all the money wasted buying sexy underwear, the obsession over actor James Woods's penis. And then there was the stuff that she did.

Hmmm...I guess now I just wait for the next beautiful, sexy, rich and famous woman to come by, which should be any minute, right?



  1. Did you ever read the Esquire interview with her from back in, hmmmm, 1999 I think. Ditzy doesn't even begin to describe it. And the interview itself was one of those bullshit "In which I the interviewer ride around with a sexy, but really dumb young woman all day and don't get any good answers out of her, but try to make her thoughts on hamburgers seem profound because I would desperately, desperately like to get in her drawers" sort of pieces.

  2. Hey, man...that's my pretend wife you're talking about.

  3. yeah, she was a bit ditzy. but she did a headstand and that's pretty effin cool.

  4. Hey you said it yourself, you're seperating. It's always ok to make fun of the fictional-ex-wife. Now you can look forward to Jennifer Garner (honestly i don't see the appeal).

  5. Sorry...ex-pretend wife. I guess it just hasn't hit me yet. I swear, sometimes? When I wake up? It's like I can still feel that lock of hair I bought on e-bay brushing against my cheek.

    I guess it's the little things that you miss the most.

  6. Funnya, I think it's Garner's dimples that enchant me, but now you've got me curious. Which celeb would you fix me up with?

  7. I`m going to suggest another Jennifer. Jennifer Connelly that is. She`s striking and quite smart and sometimes she can really act. For cute factor i think Samantha Morton - maybe she`s a bit mousy, but i like her quite a lot. You can@t beat Connelly`s eyes.
    I was going to suggest Janeane Garofalo - because i know how much you love raving liberals, but at the last minute re-thought.

  8. Very interesting choices. Connelly is quite the goddess, but she often comes across as somewhat cold in interviews. Or maybe snobbish? She did marry a British actor. I must say that I don't think I've ever seen Samantha Morton in an interview, so I don't know her outside her characters. Garofalo is tricky. Physically, I think she's okay (except when she's purposefully trying to make herself look worse to fit some agenda she's trying to push about "lookism," etc.). I certainly would have taken her over Uma in The Truth About Cats & Dogs. But yeah, her politics get in the way there. I don't mind the occasional can be fun. But with someone like Garofalo? I don't think we could find enough common ground.

    I'm thinking this might make for an interesting contest.

  9. Agreed about the Jeanine's character in Truth About Cats and Dogs, i always had a problem with that movie because Jeanine was quite attractive and i could never see why people think Uma is so beautiful - but that's off topic. She does seem to cast herself as the ugly slouchy girl, who, she-knows-you-won't-like because you are a typical male. It's cool to be a liberal and all, except when you make remarks that a vote for Bush is a "character flaw." I don't you get much discussion with her.
    Samantha Morton seems quiet yet strong and she has the accent thing going for her.
    Jennifer is a bit cold and distant, but maybe when she's at home she's light-hearted? Who knows...i'll think of other prospects in the meantime.
    Side note: I think it's really cool to discuss the imaginary couplings with celebs. I was always too serious to admit that i liked actors/musicians. It seemed silly to have posters of them in my room. But somehow this exercise seems so much without all that earlier adolescent guilt! (I do admit to having a large poster of the Beatles in my room, though).