So I'm watching the Tonight Show, when I happen to notice that Jay's guest is my wife Heather Graham. (No, she's not really my wife; and no, it's not a stalker thing; and yes it's a long story.) Anyway, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. In fact, it's been...today is Tuesday, so...August, July...um...forever. I have to say, though, that she's certainly a lovely woman, and a talented actress, but she just came across as a little...ditzy. Unfortunately, as I get older, I realize I need a woman of substance, a woman with whom I can hold an in-depth conversation.
So, dear readers, I'd rather you hear it from me than read it in the tabloids. The pretend marriage is over. It's probably for the best, though. I couldn't take much more. There was the drinking, the phone calls in the middle of the night, the crying for no reason, all the money wasted buying sexy underwear, the obsession over actor James Woods's penis. And then there was the stuff that she did.
Hmmm...I guess now I just wait for the next beautiful, sexy, rich and famous woman to come by, which should be any minute, right?