And Dat's De Name Of DAT Tune

Well, seeing as I'm rehashing old writing, and considering that Robert Blake got away with it beat the rap was acquitted, I thought I'd throw out a little blurb I wrote when Blake was first arrested. I don't have a name for it, but if I had to come up with one, I think I'd borrow from the "Barretta" theme song at call it something like:
"Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow (that way you won't see this bullet coming)"

Enjoy:

I'm sure by now that you've all heard about the murder of actor Robert Blake's wife. You know, in this country, that if any celebrity spouse dies under mysterious circumstances, two things are bound to occur. First, the media starts slinging shit like Luke Wilson's truck in that scene from Meet the Parents. By the time they're done, you often wonder why: a) the victim wasn't killed years ago, possibly by pissed-off drug lords or white slave traders and b) how the victim's spouse even became a celebrity in the first place, since his/her talents would obviously suggest other occupations, like lurking around a slaughterhouse.
The second thing bound to occur is that somewhere, somehow, the initials "O.J." will appear. The New York Post reported on an interview with O.J.--or Mr. Simpson as I like to call him in case he reads this--and claimed that he offered Robert Blake a few tips on getting through this tough time. Of course there was the obvious things-don't take a lie detector test, don't watch TV, make sure you eliminate the wussy little playboy/witness living in your guesthouse--but it was the more insightful things, the things the Post left out that were so interesting.

"Robert has to deal with reality," Simpson said. "He's going to be second guessing himself a lot. Blaming himself. 'Why did I go back to the restaurant?' Things like that. I can't tell you the number of times I thought: 'If only I hadn't stabbed her in the throat, Nicole would still be alive today.' But you can't survive on 'if onlys.'"

Mr. Simpson had some other suggestions for raising Blake's spirits.

"Don't listen to people. They can be cruel with their accusations. I mean, sure, it looks bad when you park on a deserted street, blocks away from where you're going to be eating. And some people might find it suspicious that he left her to go back to the restaurant to get his gun, but … he left his gun at the restaurant? Really? What, with like, the hat-check girl? Didn't this guy play a cop? Sheee-it. Punk ass white boy amateurs. Uh I mean, you know, stay strong, God is love."

According to Simpson, Blake still faces a tough road ahead.

"The best thing that he can do right now is to try to find the real killers as quickly as possible, even if he has to check every golf course in a three-hundred mile radius."

When asked if he thought Blake was innocent, Simpson got a far-off look in his eyes.

"Well," he said, scratching his chin, "I don't know. But if he did kill her, it must have been because he loved her very, very much. And remember, in this country, a man is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt." Then he smiled, shrugging. "And even then…"

Deja Vu All Over Again

I think (knock wood) that the computer problems have been dealt with. Unfortunately, there is a family tragedy that will keep me busy for the next day or so. Because I value you all so much, I thought I'd throw out some rehashed (but new to the blog) material. That way you'll have something new to read. This first one breaks the boundries of good taste. Shatters them, really. But why start small? So, with apologies to...Well, just about everyone, I present:

Horoscopes for Mentally Unbalanced Children
(because everybody needs a little push now and then)

Scorpio: The sign for Scorpio is the venomous scorpion. This is because most people born under this sign end up poisoning people. You might want to make a list of your enemies and invite them over for a pretend tea party. Then you can bury the hatchet…in their heads. Poison? How are you going to poison anybody? It’s a PRETEND tea party, silly!

Aries: Aries is ruled by the planet Mars. Mars is the Roman god of war. His minions, the Martians, are the ones trying to steal your thoughts through the electrical sockets. You might want to plug those with something. Forks work well.

Capricorn: The goat is the symbol for Capricorn. Goats will eat anything, even that nosy Jehova’s Witness stored in the freezer. Can you say “forensics”? Good. Do you know what “forensics” means? If you had a goat, it wouldn’t really matter now, would it?

Taurus: Taurus is the sign of the bull and its ruling quality is stubbornness. In fact, Taurans often go so far as to do the polar opposite of even the slightest suggestion. On a lighter note, today is your day! You definitely should NOT drink all your father’s gin and go lie down on the train tracks.

Virgo: Virgos are known for their meticulous attention to detail. They are very neat and clean. This is why they are hardly ever caught. Well, that and a propensity for eliminating witnesses.

Aquarius: Aquarius is the water bearer, the carrier of the “precious fluid.” If you are an Aquarius, there is a good chance that people are covetous of your “precious fluid.” These people are perverted sinners and must be punished. You will know who they are because they will make you feel tingly in that “special place.”

Pisces: Your sign is a fish, which is possibly the wimpiest of all signs. It is very likely that nobody likes you and that everyone makes fun of you when you’re not around. While committing terrible atrocities in public places might not make people like you, you can be sure that they will quiver in awe at your terrible power.

Leo: Leo’s sign is the Lion. “Lion” sounds an awful lot like “lyin,’” don’t you think? Words that sound alike are called “homonyms.” Ha ha ha! What a funny word! When the police ask if you hit your little brother with the bat, you should tell them “no!” Then tell them: “I’m Lion.” After they finish beating you with telephone books, you can explain all about the words that sound alike, and everyone will have a good laugh. Ha ha ha.

Gemini: Gemini is the sign of the twins. Do you have a twin? Are you sure? Who do you think covers your clothes with blood while you sleep?

Libra: Libra is represented by the scales. Just like the scales of Justice. Today is a good day to dispense some Justice. Can you think of anyone who needs to feel the swiftness of your Justice? How about some government officials? Maybe you should write to Jodie Foster and see what she thinks.

Sagittarius: You’re one of the fire signs. This is because nothing satisfies you quite like the pungent aroma of burning flesh. Those crowded dance clubs shouldn’t have those boxes piled in front of the emergency exits anyway. Fire is red. Blood is red. Satan is red. Red, red, red.

Cancer: Cancer is a pervasive disease, much like those dirty, dirty whores. Many times, cancerous tumors are cut out from healthy tissue with very sharp instruments. Do you have any sharp instruments? Go get them.

Another Groaner

So this beautiful, naked blonde woman walks into a bar with a duck under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender takes one look at her and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Diversions

Sorry, but I've had some computer problems lately, which have restricted my access to the web. I'll explain those later. In the meantime, since it still seems to be hit and miss, and I don't have much time, I'll leave you with this variation on the "guy walks into a bar" joke:

So, this baby seal walks into a club...

Thank you.

And They Say Students Are Apathetic

But hey, haven't we all done this at one time or another?

Classy?

Headline of the Week?

TONYA HARDING TO WRESTLE TRANSVESTITE

As if that weren't enough, check out the end of the article:

In addition to Harding, Feldman will feature four other pro wrestling matches, including "a local wrestler who weighs 650 pounds."

There will also be a raunchy Paris Hilton look-a-like contest, with the winner getting at least $250 in cash, Feldman said.

"We're out to give South Florida fight fans a classy night out," Feldman said.

Ah, The Good Old Days

You know, you really don't see enough of this kind of thing in today's Hollywood.

Not long after Howard Hughes bought the Sands Hotel in 1967, Frank Sinatra had a falling out with the management after they cut off his credit in the Casino. After throwing some furniture at Casino boss Carl Cohen, who promptly punched out some of his teeth, Sinatra signed a contract with Caesar's Palace. (emphasis mine)

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Let The Collection Begin

Sigh. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right. A few posts ago, I mentioned taking up a collection to keep the remake of The Pink Panther out of the theaters. Here's a (not so well-written) review that seems to confirm my fears. There are a few "spoilers," but perhaps in this case we should call them "warnings."

I'm In With The In Crowd

It's heartening to know that Petitedov, The New Vintage, and I had almost the same opinion of the Oscars.

One thing I did want to mention (although Petitedov beat me to it) was Salma's description of Che Guevara as a "youthful idealist." Now, granted, we should judge the film on its content and not the later life of its main character. I just hope the Academy is as enthusiatic about my new film project--just in time for next year's Oscars. It's going to be a buddy pic about a young house painter named Hitler and a seminary student named Stalin.

My Point Exactly

Why is it that in the U.S. we're still re-hashing films that have already been made, while in South Korea, they're coming up with cool ideas like this.

A Summer Reading List?

Random House's list of the 100 best novels, along with the 100 best as chosen by their readers. Apparently the readers really, really like Ayn Rand and L. Ron Hubbard.

Of course, I was immediately turned off by the RH's number one. Ulysses? Really? That's the best you can do? I was an English major and I wouldn't read the damn thing again if you paid me. I actually find the list a little pretentious. No Hemingway until #45? Please. Two Henry James novels in the top 30??? Have any of you ever read Henry James? They used to use his novels instead of anesthetic before operations. They've got The Maltese Falcon, but nothing by Chandler? No The Big Sleep? I might just have to go down to Random House and bitch-slap someone. Or pay Kenny to do it.

P.S. One upside: It doesn't deserve #7, but I really like Catch-22.

Sex Ed For Girls, Texas Style

Laura Bush's 10 Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys and Their Privates.

And Just So The Boys Don't Feel Left Out

We have this site.

There Goes The Neighborhood

Looks like the Dutch are pulling up stakes, packing up their wooden shoes and beating a hasty retreat. From the New York Times:

This small nation is a magnet for immigrants, but statistics suggest there is a quickening flight of the white middle class. Dutch people pulling up roots said they felt a general pessimism about their small and crowded country and about the social tensions that had grown along with the waves of newcomers, most of them Muslims."The Dutch are living in a kind of pressure cooker atmosphere," Mr. Hiltemann said.

Of course, some of this fear results from incidents like the death of film maker Theo Van Gogh. Criticize the way Muslim women are treated, get your throat cut. They should be thankful they don't have skyscrapers. (If I'm not mistaken, their tallest building is under 500 ft., or just under a third of the height of the twin towers of the WTC.)

So now, I guess we just wait for the inevitable New York Times editorial that will tell us that the Dutch deserve the kind of violence that Van Gogh experienced. It couldn't possibly be unwarranted; it must be some kind of retalliation. I for one welcome it because if people like Ward Churchill are right, and the victims of militant Islam bring the violence upon themselves, I'd really like to find out just what the Dutch did. Maybe when that kid stuck his finger in the hole and plugged up the dyke, he kept the water from flowing to Baghdad

It's interesting to note that in the article linked to above discussing Van Gogh's death, his murderer apparently had a motive besides Van Gogh's controversial film.

Investigators revealed that Bouyeri's motivation to kill was likely sparked by the movie Submission and further aggravated by his hate of the western world and those who refused to accept Islamic values. (emphasis mine)

UPDATE: Petitedov and New Vintage have some insight on this. Check them out.

Can I Borrow Your Towel? My Car Just Hit A Water Buffalo.

I have to say that I was extremely disappointed that Hollywood was going to remake one of my favorites comedies--Fletch--even though Kevin Smith was involved. Actually, extremely disapointed doesn't cut it. I hated the idea, much like I hate the idea of remaking The Pink Panther with Steve Martin and Kevin Kline. What is wrong with you people??? Don't you have any original ideas??? Steve...Kevin...do you really need the money that badly??? Because I will take up a collection to stop this movie from reaching the screen, if it comes to that.

Anyway, the point is that I felt that Jason Lee was just not going to be able to fill Chevy's shoes on this one. However...

A new rumor has softened me somewhat. The buzz going around now is that Lee just doesn't have the face/name to "open" a movie, so the new frontrunner is none other than Zach Braff, from TVs Scrubs. So while I certainly don't think that he can fill Chevy's shoes, I think he's very well suited to bring something of his own to the character while still paying tribute to the original.

Playing With Balls

Over at ESPN, you can vote for the hottest actress in a sports-themed film. Ordinarily, I'd go with none of the above and choose someone like Yasmine Bleeth from Baseketball. Unfortunately, since I saw that mug shot of her cocaine arrest, I find that I can't sleep unless I curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. Good god, if that doesn't get kids to stop doing drugs, nothing will.

I'm also sure that there's a good number of men out there complaining because others weren't included on the list. Keira Knightley in Bend it Like Beckham, for example.

Although I'm not really a fan of her or the movie, I voted for Jessica Biel in Summer Catch.

Well, Where The Hell Was I?

I guess that some celebrities have it just as rough as the rest of us. It's hard to believe, but Teri Hatcher says that she thought about paying for sex.

The Desperate Housewives actress says she went without sex for four years following her break-up from husband John Tenney.

She said: "I thought about a male hooker. It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out.

"You would feel safe saying. 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'"

I would just like to say to any other beautiful, horny actresses out there that I am available for any "carpet cleaning" that needs to be done. As far as the money changing hands, let's not worry about that. Besides, I can't afford to pay that much.

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Every year, I swear I will never watch the Oscars again. And every year, I do it anyway, and then somewhere along the way, I begin to wish that I had beaten my head in with a shovel. This year was no exception.

High points:

Robin Williams was funny as always, even though I think he missed the joke. Elmer Fudd replacing Brando in Streetcar? Too easy. Elmer replacing fellow baldy Brando in Apocolypse Now? All I can say is "The howwow...The howwow."

One of my favorite groups, Counting Crows, even if Adam Duritz was sporting Sideshow Bob's hairstyle. So, he dated both Jennifer Anniston AND Courtney Cox?...Really?...Huh.

A nice tribute to Carson. Even dead, that guy brings class to everything he touches.

Jamie Foxx--I was afraid the Academy was going to do him dirty and give him the supporting award instead of the one he deserved. (Sorry, Clint.)

Low Points:

What's with the "guess where the next presenter is coming from" format? Whoever had that idea should be shot. And then the winners stepped up to an aisle mike like they were in a late night show skit. I kept expecting Biff to rush up and give them a canned ham.

Sean Penn...Every time I see the guy, I wonder what planet he's living on.

Renee Zellweger...Why does she always look like she's about to sneeze?

Pierce Brosnan and the animated costumer from The Incredibles presenting together? Pierce looked like he was ready to die of shame.

I have to say that I'm not that impressed with Chris Rock so far. He said it himself in the monologue...sometimes you just need a star. I don't think he's quite "big enough" for the job.


That's it for now, but I reserve the right to add items to the list as I remember them.

UPDATE: Clint Eastwood's mother at the awards? Daaaaaaammmmnn. And you thought Clint was one tough sumbitch.

UPDATE: It's the next morning, and I still can't "Accidentally in Love" out of my head. It may not have won best song, but it's still one of those catchy tunes, kind of like that "MmmmBop" song by Hanson. That's another one you just can't get out of your head...Oh crap.

Random Thought

I know you're not supposed to stick the Q-Tip in your ears, but it feels sooo...damn...good. It's like a little eargasm.

Caption This! Part 15

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! For my next trick, I will proceed to drink a glass of water while Senor Putie sings "Lady of Spain."

Oedipus Wrecked

This has to be the funniest thing I've read so far this year. Many thanks to PetiteDov for making me laugh so hard I cried...and in front of colleagues, no less.

I May Be Poor, But I'll Be Rich In Music

I'm not one for frivolous purchases. I mostly spend my money (the little bit that doesn't go to bills, anyway) on movies or books. But since Ken introduced me to woot!, I've been hooked, checking it daily. I've made a couple of small purchases there, but they finally made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I just bought the "Rockford Fosgate WiFi Car/Home Audio Bundle" for $199.99 plus $5 shipping. My understanding is that the bundle consists of two major components and two wireless adaptors. The first component is a console that connects to your stereo to your computer using one of the wireless adapters. This way, you can play all those wonderful MP3s you've got on your computer through your home stereo instead of those cheesy computer speakers. It's got a remote, too. The second component (the one I really wanted) consists of a 20 Gig portable hard drive and a stereo-type faceplate that go into your car. You can hook the drive to your PC via USB and transfer all those MP3s, or you can use the other wireless adaptor to trasfer them. You can even have them transferred automatically while you sleep. Then you can play all that music through your car stereo.

Now I know what you're saying--"DS, have you gone mad?! You, of all people, swayed by flashy technology, like a magpie after a shard of glass! O' the shame of it!" But as I said, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. If you've followed the product links above, you'll see that Crutchfield offers three of the four products in the bundle. The total? $439.97. I just got all four for less than half that.

So I may have to tighten the belt a little. I may not have food. I may not have electricity. I may not have internet access. I may not even have gas to drive anywhere. But as long as that car battery holds out, by God, I'll have Music!

Too Much Loathing, Not Enough Fear

People are bound to let you down eventually.

Hunter S. Thompson, whose life and writing, vivid and quirky reflections of each other, made him one of the principal symbols of the American counterculture, shot and killed himself yesterday at his home near Aspen.

I have no respect for someone who commits suicide and pisses away his talent. Punk ass.

Figures Lie; Liars Figure

Unbelievable. I just saw on my local news a story describing a "social insecurity" calculator on NY Senator Charles Schumer's web site. I followed the link, already knowing what I could expect. Schumer didn't disappoint. It took me all of about 10 minutes to rip holes in their calculations. I'm no economist, though, so I'll give you some links to a few places that can explain it better than I.

Andrew Roth over at Social Security Choice
His Update, containing links to (among others):
The Heritage Foundation
The Cato Institute (includes their own calculator)
A couple of posts at Political Calculations

My Apologies

On the recent lack of posting (or at least the lack of consistency). Of course, the academic year is always a little busier for me than the summer, but lately I've been particularly busy. Not only have I developed a little bit of a social life, I have also been frantically trying to apply for a number of full-time positions. Add to that the tutoring and directed studies I've taken on to try to make up for this semester's lost classes, and...Well, something's got to give.

Keep checking in, and I'll keep trying to post on a (semi) regular basis. Deal?

(Although I know most of you are probably here looking for Colin Farrell's finger or Justice League porn.)

I'm Not Exactly Beaming, But...

Yes, I'm a little proud. Not only did Ann Coulter come out with a column on Ward Churchill and his "free speech" which said pretty much the same thing I did, she even used similar examples:

If a math professor's "speech" consisted of insisting that 2 plus 2 equals 5, or an astrophysicist's "speech" was to claim that the moon is made of Swiss cheese, or a history professor's "speech" consisted of rants about the racial inferiority of the n-----s, each one of them could be fired by a state university without running afoul of the constitution.


Just because we don't have bright lines for determining what speech can constitute a firing offense, doesn't mean there are no lines at all. If Churchill hasn't crossed them, we are admitting that almost nothing will debase and disgrace the office of professor (except, you know, suggesting that there might be innate differences in the mathematical abilities of men and women).

and mine:

Is Ward forcing his views upon his students? Is he indoctrinating them in his own radical beliefs? This is what CU should be investigating, the same as if they received word of a math professor teaching that 1+1=11, or a geography professor who continually lectures his students that the world is flat.

Now, I'm a believer in the protection of free speech, even when it's unpopular. However, I also believe that the right of free speech is not absolute. There's always the old example of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater, but you could also consider libel/slander laws, or even those court cases in which people were arrested for using profane language in public places. (The "cussin' canoeist" case was overturned on appeal, but people are still being charged under the same law.) We have to balance the right of individual expression with the possible harmful effect(s) it may have on others in the community.

I'd suggest that "great minds think alike," but that's just scary.

An Impotent Announcent

Breaking news from the "Uh...dude, you're on your own" department:

SURPRISED CUSTOMER SAYS PENIS PILLS DON'T WORK
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A New Jersey man has filed a false advertising lawsuit against a maker of herbal penis enlargement pills, alleging the medicine does not fulfill its promises, the plaintiff's lawyer said on Monday.

Two similar cases, filed last year in Colorado and Ohio, accuse manufacturers of herbal dietary supplements, VigRx and Enzyte, of falsely claiming to be able to add substantial length and girth to a man's penis.

All three suits seek class action status and claim to represent more than 1 million total plaintiffs.

Also in headlines? SUN RISES IN EAST; SETS IN WEST, AIR: IT'S ALL AROUND US, and GRAVITY--ONE LAW THAT REALLY BRINGS ME DOWN.

Caption This! Part 14

Lillian feels a prick for the first time since behind the carousel at the '31 World's Fair.

Robster Craws? What The Fuck Are 'Robster Craws?'

This just in from the "Take that, PETA!" department:

A new study out of Norway concludes it's unlikely lobsters feel pain, stirring up a long-simmering debate over whether Maine's most valuable seafood suffers when it's being cooked.

The study did, however, discover that butter suffers in unbearable agony while being melted.

Hey! I Don't Salivate!

Jeff Jarvis has a couple of excellent posts up "defending" bloggers in the wake of the Eason Jordan fiasco.

So why are some of these journalists attacking the bloggers with such spittle and spite, with the kind of invective they usually try to keep out of their columns (Steve Lovelady called us not just a lynch mob but "salivating morons," stooping to the level of intelligence, subtlety, nuance, and articulation of an Oliver Willis fuss)? Yes, it's jealousy. Yes, it's fear. But it's also truly about not understanding how this world could possibly operate. These are the people who used to control the news and they think it's now uncontrolled; they think that's bad.

Those who choose to chastise bloggers need to focus on two important facts. The first is that many bloggers out there (myself included) have graduate or undergraduate degrees in English and/or experience in journalism; we aren't complete neophytes. Regardless, simply because one has a vocation unrelated to media doesn't mean one can't have a basic sense of integrity and ethics. There are many bloggers out there who, I believe, have a higher degree of integrity than, say, The NY Times (presently, anyway). The Times is still getting away with stuff like this:

In September, conservative bloggers exposed flaws in a report by Dan Rather; he subsequently announced that on March 9 he would step down as anchor of the "CBS Evening News."

You'll note that the bloggers are lumped together as "conservative," yet Rather--despite the fact that his political views are well known--is not labeled as a liberal. The meaning? Mainstream media is objective; bloggers are biased. No mention of the politically charged nature of the "report." No mention of the fact that what cost Rather were not the "flaws" (which, for the record, I think is a really nice way to say "forged documents." Maybe we could start using this delivery in other fields. "Well, Mr. Jones, you have an inoperable 'flaw' in your lungs the size of a golf ball.") in the report, but rather (no pun intended) his stubbornness and arrogance in refusing to admit what nearly all of his viewers could see was obvious. Try posting a sentence like the one above on a well-read blog and see how long it lasts untarnished.

The other fact so often neglected in at least one important way by the mainstream media is one that they themselves report with more than a hint of foreboding--people are listening. Those, like Lovelady, who are so busy calling us "lynch mobs" and "salivating morons," are not asking themselves the important question, which is: Why are bloggers able to exert such pressure? Why are so many turning to the various blogs out there for their information? What is it that we are giving people that the mainstream media is not (besides fodder for our posts, that is)? Maybe it's a chance to respond in a comments section, to feel like part of the process. Free exchange of ideas is a seductive idea, and one not readily practiced in the MSM. Maybe it's the fact that people understand that unlike the mainstream media, most of us do this without making a cent. There's something appealing about the idea of men and women giving up time and effort to pursue the news, especially in a county often labeled apathetic. I know I'm amazed at the work done by some of the bloggers out there. Whatever the reason, however, the monopoly on information is over, and as it is in any free market, those who supply the best product will thrive.

Mainstream media needs to pick up the lesson that the Democrats should have learned from the last election--It's not enough to belittle your opponents and count on public dissatisfaction to Kerry carry you through; you have to improve your own image. What's the quote? Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door? The mainstream media needs to start building, and quit complaining that bloggers stole their mice.

Welcome To The BBC, Bitch!

Just happened to see this bit of news:

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's media regulator [Ofcom] has chastised publicly owned Channel 4 for on-air trailers that promoted the U.S. teen drama "The OC" with one of the show's most infamous lines: "Welcome to the OC, bitch."

After which, a tree surgeon was dispatched immediately to see if he could remove the stick apparently up Ofcom's collective ass.

Seriously, what happened to that "you Americans are soooo prudish" attitude we've been hearing for the last decade or so from Europe? How about the European response to last year's Super Bowl halftime? "It's just a nipple, for fuck's sake!" Remember that?

This Warms The Cockles Of My Heart

I firmly believe that many of mankind's greatest problems are a result of cold cockles.

Here's a nice post over at Dan's travels.

CNN Reporter: Ok, we need to do an update on the lack of progress in Iraq, ya know, talk about the constantly worsening security situation, native unrest, that sort of thing...

Camera Man: We've been saying the situation is "constantly worsening" since about 5 minutes after they pulled down that statue of Saddam. I mean we'd practically have to see alien mantis people walking down the street, kicking in doors, pulling out small children, and eating them in the street for things to have been "constantly worsening" for that long...

It's A Holiday

For all those not wishing to celebrate Valentine's day, may I wish you a...

Happy National Ferris Wheel Day!

Ride 'em if you got 'em. (A slogan that, I suppose, works equally well for those celebrating Valentine's Day.)

Before I go, let me also share a Valentine's Day poem by good friend** Paul Simon:

She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

**(not mine, but he must be somebody's)

Well, That's Just Weird

The strangest Google search I've had in a long time?

Justice League Porn

I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Wonder Woman: Why did you summon me? What's the emergency?

Batman: I...needed a hand with my utility belt.

Wonder Woman: That doesn't sound like a matter for the Justice League!

Batman: Today, it's the "Justus" League, baby...Just. Us.

Wonder Woman: You know, I could bind you with my magic lasso.

Batman: I'm counting on it. (cue '70s wocka wocka guitar) Now come on over here and see what you can do with this bat-pole.

Yee-hah!

I never got a chance to thank everyone for passing 6,000 hits, and here we are, already past 7,000.Yep, 6,000 flew by like it was 1,257 thanks to you faithful readers and those weirdos using Google, who are still looking daily for Colin Farrell's finger, and apparently, occasionally, Teri Hatcher's nipples.**

**Rest assured that if I ever have a meaninful encounter with either body part, all details will be found here.

Tomahawk Job

Man, I thought I had seen people rough on Churchill. Turns out that Ann Coulter, the one columnist who simultaneously turns me on and repulses me (how does she do that, anyway?), took on the question of Churchill's alleged Native American heritage (among other things) and scalps him like a...

Well, she does a number on him, anyway.

Color Me Surprised

It's rare that I vehemently disagree with FIRE, but it just so happens that they have started a blog. One of their first posts deals with a letter written by Greg Lukianoff to the University of Colorado at Boulder:

Thomas Jefferson once said, "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it." Professor Churchill's opinions regarding September 11 have been utterly rejected by the public at large, have caused public figures from across the political spectrum to unite in their outrage against him, and have led many of his own colleagues to condemn his statements. If he intended to generate sympathy for terrorists, the effect has been the opposite. We need not fear his words, and we must not allow our anger to cause us to betray our deepest moral and legal principles. Indeed, it is most important that at times like these we defend our fundamental liberties. Liberty faces a far greater threat from a rejection of the First Amendment than it does from the opinions of Ward Churchill.

Now, I'm a believer in the protection of free speech, even when it's unpopular. However, I also believe that the right of free speech is not absolute. There's always the old example of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater, but you could also consider libel/slander laws, or even those court cases in which people were arrested for using profane language in public places. (The "cussin' canoeist" case was overturned on appeal, but people are still being charged under the same law.) We have to balance the right of individual expression with the possible harmful effect(s) it may have on others in the community.

I agree that Churchill's essay is protected under free speech. That's not what I worry about, nor what I believe that CU should be investigating. You see, Lukianoff uses Jefferson's quote to defend Churchill's right to free speech. The problem is, that same quote also, I believe, creates huge problems for Churchill and justification for CU's investigation. Jefferson says "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it," and Lukianoff uses the mass public outrage against Churchill to imply that reason has combated his "error of opinion." Jefferson is right, and in regards to the public essay, so is Lukianoff. But what about the classroom, a place where the power differential between student and professor nullifies the reason that would otherwise "combat" Ward's beliefs? Is Ward forcing his views upon his students? Is he indoctrinating them in his own radical beliefs? This is what CU should be investigating, the same as if they received word of a math professor teaching that 1+1=11, or a geography professor who continually lectures his students that the world is flat. The powers that be at CU are responsible for maintaining the integrity of the educational process. That Churchill appears to have made up his supposed Native American heritage, that he may have committed academic fraud, and that the essay in the midst of all of this has errors I wouldn't accept from my freshmen, much less a tenured professor, creates more than enough suspicion to investigate this man. Ward Churchill is an insult to those of us in higher education who do our jobs responsibly and professionally.

Don't Bother To Thank Me...

I have found the perfect job for Ken.

The Season Is Over...

We shall not speak of it again.

In Honor Of Super Bowl Sunday

My Top Ten Eleven Punchlines From Dirty Football Jokes

11. "...Because after every trip to my end zone, he'd start high-fiving me!"
10. "Believe me, I left as soon as I realized they were playing man-to-man!"
9. "Now that's what I call a backfield in motion!"
8. "Punter? I nearly killed her!" (Yeah, I know I used it below, but it was too good to leave off.)
7. "She got me for 'Illegal use of hands'."
6. "It was awful. I kept having to call a time out so he could 'ice the kicker' if you know what I mean."
5. "I came home early, and found him 'roughing the passer.'"
4. "That's okay, baby...I play better on a muddy field."
3. "After I scored, I waited for her room mate to come home, so I could 'go for two.'"
2. "He used to be a tight end...now he's a wide receiver."
1. "Gee, Mike, when you said you wanted me to 'toss the pigskin,' I thought you wanted to play catch!"

Oh, The Times, They Are A-Changing...

From WaPo:

Influential Sunni Arab leaders of a boycott of last Sunday's elections expressed a new willingness Friday to engage the coming Iraqi government and play a role in writing the constitution, in what may represent a strategic shift in thinking among mainstream anti-occupation groups.

.....

In part, the Sunni and nationalist groups may be playing to their own constituencies. By all accounts, the Sunni turnout was far lower than that of Shiites and Kurds, although Sunni leaders debate whether that was a result of intimidation or adherence to calls for a boycott. But some residents in such Sunni towns as Ramadi and Tikrit have suggested there may be regrets over the choice. The disappointment seems strongest in urban areas, which have proved less sympathetic to the insurgency than the countryside.

The insurgents "made fools of us," said Mahmoud Ghasoub, a businessman in Baiji, a restive northern town. "They voted to disrupt the elections but failed. Now we have lost both tracks. We did not vote, nor did they disrupt the elections."

Guess that "I'm taking my ball and going home" philosophy wasn't working for you, huh?

Welcome to the World.

Caption This! Part 13

"...so I said: 'Punter? I nearly killed her!'"

It's Really Just Because I'm Lazy

I have been meaning to put up a post congratulating Antimedia for his coverage of the elections, and directing all of you over there, but I haven't. My guilt is now doubled because he happened to write a very nice post about me. But don't think that's the reason I'm writing the post now. This isn't just lip service, or some mutual admiration society.

I first discovered his blog during the Kerry/Vietnam/Swiftboat issue. He had done some amazing research, and I found that if I needed facts, figures, dates, etc. for my own posts, I needed look no further because if he hadn't done the research himself, he had a link to someone who did. And you can trust his research--the guy has integrity.

He's a regular read for me, and I think he's once again doing a hell of a job--this time, with the events surrounding the elections in Iraq. You would do well for yourself to cruise on over there and spend some time reading through the posts. Some of the best ones are here, here, and here.

He mentions that I was one of the early readers of his blog, but I have to say that I had no idea he was just starting out. I just assumed he had been around for a long time because the writing was so professionally done. I hope he continues with it.

Just Wondering...

Does anyone know what happened to that serviceman who was captured? I heard he was rescued by Spider-Man, The Six-Million-Dollar Man, and some guy with a "kung-fu grip."

It seems that the heroes arrived too late, and the poor devil had already been beheaded. But after retrieving the head from the dog's mouth, the quick-thinking rescuers snapped it back on again, leaving the hearty soldier none the worse for wear, except for some dog slobber.

CNN military analyst James Marks, a retired Army general, questioned its authenticity.

He told CNN in a phone interview that the flak jacket in the picture had a kind of trim along the edges that he'd never seen before, and that the open-legged pants, as opposed to gathered hems, struck him as odd.

He also questioned what appeared to be camouflage paint on the face.

"We have not used camo paint with conventional forces serving in Iraq," Marks said.

Yeah...That was the clue. As opposed to the blank expression and painted-on pupils. Nice work, Sherlock.

Mmmm....Abomination

Gives a whole new meaning to the words "to go."

Cheer Up, Everybody!

Yet another great stride taken in science:

The study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that the women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed.

The crazy thing is, it seemed to make the men happier as well.

Yeah, It Was Me...What Are You Gonna Do About It?

At work, I saw a handwritten sign that someone had posted which read "1,440 U.S. dead as of 1/28/05."

When no one was looking, I wrote this underneath:

"8 million+ Iraqis paid tribute to them on 1/30/05."

Eh...What's Up, Doc?

This just in from National Geographic:

Chinese scientists at the Shanghai Second Medical University in 2003 successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs.

The press attempted to get pictures of the creature in the incubator, but were turned away by one of the researchers. "Be vewy, vewy qwiet," he said, "We're bwewing wabbits."

In Minnesota last year researchers at the Mayo Clinic created pigs with human blood flowing through their bodies.

The creature lived for only a few days, however. Apparently, the pitiful thing was depressed over not being able to wear pants, in addition to researchers making fun of the animal's speech impediment. A note found next to the body read "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"

And at Stanford University in California an experiment might be done later this year to create mice with human brains.

"We hope he will be able to walk upright, and wear gloves and shorts," said one hopeful researcher. "He may even be able to pilot a steamboat, sweep up with a broomstick, and possibly own a pet dog!"

Oh, God...I have way too much time on my hands.

Sacre Merde!

Is it some kind of Truth in labeling?

In an announcement which is stunning the world, France has decided to change its name permanently to Stinkland.

Nope, just some hijinx from our good friends over at the Weekly World News.

Was Haley Joel Osment Too Busy?

From the "You've got to be shitting me" department:

Leonardo DiCaprio has received a lifetime achievement award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival.

Aparently, they've confused DiCaprio with the Giant Panda, whose lifespan is roughly thriry years.

A Few Words

I don't have a whole lot to say about the elections in Iraq. I think they speak for themselves. Besides the obvious, though, I would point out two things:

1. There has been an overwhelming force-feeding of the message that "we aren't wanted" in Iraq. Eight million plus Iraqis let us know where they stand on the issue.

2. The "terrorists," "insurgents," "assholes," etc. have made it overtly clear that they are not fighting for Muslims, or the Iraqi people, or anyone other than themselves. Like a playground bully who slowly notices the growing crowd of children surrounding them, they must be beginning to realize that from this day on they will be a little less feared, a little less respected, and a little less influential.

Normally, I think I talk real purty-like, but today I want to borrow a little from Nelson Mandella's inauguration speech, which seems wholly appropriate today:

We dedicate this day to all the heroes and heroines in this country and the rest of the world who sacrificed in many ways and surrendered their lives so that we could be free.

Their dreams have become reality. Freedom is their reward.

..............................................................................................

We understand it still that there is no easy road to freedom.

We know it well that none of us acting alone can achieve success.

We must therefore act together as a united people, for national reconciliation, for nation building, for the birth of a new world.

Let there be justice for all.

Let there be peace for all.

Let there be work, bread, water and salt for all.

Let each know that for each the body, the mind and the soul have been freed to fulfill themselves.

Never, never and never again shall it be that this beautiful land will again experience the oppression of one by another and suffer the indignity of being the skunk of the world.

Let freedom reign.

Now If We Could Only Find A Giant Paper Bag...

I really wanted to send this to Dave Barry, but someone beat me to it.

No one is sure how the fire started, but a common theory is that heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile eventually ignited the manure.

Too. Many. Jokes.

The Porn On The Bus Goes "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

It seems that a school bus driver in Greece shocked parents when they learned that he had played an X-rated video for the bus full of 12-15 year olds. For some reason, the driver's alleged proposition just cracks me up:

"The driver said 'kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus."

Of course, other than that, I'm thoroughly disgusted.

For The Record

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but I'm dismayed at website after website that, apparently in their rush to keep from getting something wrong, fail to examine the facts themselves. Yes, I'm still rambling on about the "Michael Moore Bodyguard" story.

It's just that sites that I respect, such as Moorewatch.com, Moorelies.com, Captain's Quarters, et. al, are for some reason bending over backwards to criticize FOX news and others for a story that is no more misleading than the email sent from Burk's firm. And nobody (but me) seems to be criticizing that. I even sent an email to Instapundit, but he never responded. Let me just give you the last few facts.

1. Websites are claiming that the FOX story, as written, is "untrue," or "false," simply on the basis of de Becker's email. I've already covered this previously. The story may be misleading, but technically it's true. (Except for one point, which I'll come to later.)

2. de Becker, who runs Burk's firm, states that Burk "never worked for Michael Moore" in his original email. He later tells Moorewatch that Burk was in NYC protecting Moore. Now who's providing false and misleading information?

3. Burk's representatives claim that he "followed proper airline procedure" in checking his gun. This may be true. I have no argument with that--the charge was not an airline charge anyway. But what they don't tell you is that while he may have followed proper airline procedure, he didn't follow New York City gun law.

6. License: ...A license to carry or possess a pistol or revolver, not otherwise limited as to place or time of possession, shall be effective throughout the state, except that the same shall not be valid within the city of New York unless a special permit granting validity is issued by the police commissioner of that city. Such license to carry or possess shall be valid within the city of New York in the absence of a permit issued by the police commissioner of that city, provided that (a) the firearms covered by such license have been purchased from a licensed dealer within the city of New York and are being transported out of said city forthwith and immediately from said dealer by the licensee in a locked container during a continuous and uninterrupted trip; or provided that (b) the firearms covered by such license are being transported by the licensee in a locked container and the trip through the city of New York is continuous and uninterrupted; or provided that... (emphasis mine)

For those that don't read legalese, that means that unless you are Flying (or driving) through NYC, you may not bring a handgun into the city. Period. I have a relative from upstate New York who worked as a deputy sheriff. While going to NYC to pick up a prisoner, even HE was not allowed to bring his sidearm into the city. (Although that was some time ago, and the law may have changed on that.)

Burk was leaving NYC. He didn't buy the weapon there. We know this because it was registered in other states. This means he HAD to have brought it into NYC at some point previous. (Most likely when meeting Moore on January 11--why else bring the gun in the first place.) That's not a continuous and uninterrupted trip, and therefore it's illegal for Burk to posses (not just "carry") the weapon in NYC. As far as I'm concerned the case is closed right there. But a couple of other points.

4. I've heard people say that a judge "released Burk on his own recognizance," as if that somehow clears him. Sorry, that just means he wasn't given any bail. "Dismissed" charges are something different. He'll return to court on February 3 (according to Newsday) to answer the charges.

5. Although de Becker keeps claiming it's incorrect to call Burk "Moore's bodyguard," most stories I've seen state that Burk himself said that.

6. There is a difference between "licensed" and "registered." De Becker complains that the FOX Story makes a mistake by calling the firearm "unlicensed," but then says:

Patrick Burk’s firearm is legally registered to Patrick Burk - it is not “unlicensed.”

De Becker is trying to play semantic games. The gun is not registered in the City of New York. And it's Burke himself, not the gun who needs to be "licensed" in the City of New York. He is not. If he were licensed though, guess what must be on that license?

A license to carry or possess a pistol or revolver shall have attached the licensee`s photograph, and a coupon which shall be removed and retained by any person disposing of a firearm to the licensee. Such license shall specify the weapon covered by calibre, make, model, manufacturer`s name and serial number... (emphasis mine)

So, is calling the gun--which is not listed on a valid NYC license--"unlicensed" necessarily incorrect? I'll leave it to you to decide.

By saying that the gun is "legally registered" to Burk, de Becker makes it sound like Burk is not breaking the law. He is.

7. The one point that de Becker does get right is that the FOX article headline states that Burk was arrested on an "airport gun charge." That's not correct. The charge would be a city charge (I believe it's a felony).

De Becker plays games with words, lies outright about Burk never working for Moore, lies by omission in neglecting to state that Burk was in NYC to meet Moore on the 11th. He even has the nerve to insist that Burk followed airport regulations while in the same letter insisting (correctly) that the charge wasn't an airport charge! The fact that none of the people in such a rush to make a "correction" checked up on these and other claims that de Becker made disturbs me more than a little.

Not To Sound Cold, But...

This idiot that decides to off himself by parking his SUV on the train tracks, and then chickens out at the last second, fleeing the vehicle moments before the train hits it and derails, killing or wounding more than 200 people?

I just can't believe that they're going to have to spend money to jail and try this yahoo, and then--most likely--spend money on his appeals and execution.

If I was working in the jailhouse, I'd be sure to slip a nice piece of rope and a stool into his cell at some point. The courts are too crowded already.

And for any of you other chuckleheads out there thinking about it... Hey, go ahead, check out. I think you're stupid, but ultimately, I don't care. It thins the herd. But don't be a self-absorbed asshole about it. Don't park you car in front of something that carries other people at 70 miles per hour. Don't shoot yourself and leave a gun around where kids can find it. Same with pills. Don't slit your wrists--do you know what kind of a mess that's going to leave for your loved ones to clean up?

You wanna do it? Here's what you do--strip naked, coat yourself with barbecue sauce and climb into the polar bear pit at your local zoo. You get the headlines and attention that you couldn't get in life, and hey...The bears get something out of it too.

Speaking Of Messes

Ted Kennedy claiming that the presence of U.S. Troops is the cause of the violence in Iraq is like claiming that Mary Jo Kopechne was to blame for Chappaquiddick.

Asshole.

No Accounting For Intelligence

This just in from Yahoo news:

Seventy Nobel Prize laureates including former U.S. President Jimmy Carter on Thursday endorsed the leadership of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan in the face of questions about his role in the tainted Iraq oil-for-food program.

"He has never failed to take a critical look at the U.N. to examine its weaknesses and recommend improvements," the prizewinners said in a statement released by the nonprofit New York-based Better World Campaign.

And then this gem at the end:

The Better World Campaign, which organized the letter, is a sister group to the U.N. Foundation, created in 1998 by a $1 billion pledge by media mogul Ted Turner in support of U.N. programs.

Well, there's certainly no conflict of interest there.

Kofi Annan has moral authority and wisdom? I think I found it more believable when Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka "Comical Ali" insisted that "There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

England?

Too good to pass up--A bunch of celebrities tell their favorite swear words to British television. Zach Braff's is the best.

Might take a while to load. Be patient. You also need to have macromedia's flash player installed. (Most people do, don't they?)

Take That, Treehuggers!

Who thought human interference and destruction on a global scale would be a good thing?

At the peak of the last ice age, which began 70,000 years ago, 97% of Canada was covered by ice.

The research showed that without the human contribution to global warming, Baffin Island would today be in a condition of "incipient glaciation".

"Portions of Labrador and Hudson Bay would also have moved very close to such a state had greenhouse gas concentrations followed natural trends," said the scientists.

The experiment had probably underestimated the amount of ice that would exist today in north-east Canada without human interference, they said.

Anthropologist Dr Benny Peiser, from Liverpool John Moores University, said: "If the research findings are correct, a radical change in the perception of anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions will be required.

"Instead of driving us to the brink of environmental disaster, human intervention and technology progress will be seen as vital activities that have unintentionally delayed the onset of a catastrophic ice age."

Can you imagine the scene if we hadn't burned all those fossil fuels?

CANADIAN #1: The ice looks a little closer today, eh?
CANADIAN #2: Aboot a foot or so.

Quote of The Week

From Petitedov:

"I'm all for erect nipples but honesty goes a long way with me."

I have it on good authority that this was also the original opening line of Bush's inauguration speech.

Not Again...

It's midway through the first quarter, and it's 10-0...but not in a good way.

Did I mention I hated the Patriots?


...Beginning of second quarter:

Typical Steelers playoff behavior. They seem to be playing better, but give up the big play. (Just like they did with the Jets last week.)

...Two minutes left:

Let the consoling begin. Go Eagles.

...Game Over:

There is no God.

Very Sad News

Johnny Carson, dead at 79. What a great, great entertainer and a wonderful man. Rest in Peace.

Moore Than Meets The Eye

I was a bit alarmed to get an email indicating that Fox news (and I) may have rushed to judgment on the "Michael Moore bodyguard" story. Petitedov pointed me to this link over at Ace of Spades, who led me to this link over at Moorewatch.

However, I think I'm going to stand by this one for the moment. If it's wrong, then not only did Fox News get it wrong (the story's still up, although they supposedly removed the link from the home page), but so did Newsday:

A California man who told police he was filmmaker Michael Moore's bodyguard was awaiting arraignment Thursday night in Queens for carrying an unlicensed handgun at Kennedy Airport, authorities said.

Moore, the 2003 Academy Award-winning director of "Bowling for Columbine," which spoofs and criticizes America's obsession with guns, was not with the bodyguard, Patrick Burk, 34, of Los Angeles, police said.

Port Authority Police arrested Burk at 8:10 p.m. Wednesday after he presented a black, .40-caliber Mauser pistol at a United Airlines ticket counter while trying to board a flight home, police said.

Burk has a license to carry the gun in Florida and California but not in New York, police said.

Sources said Burk arrived in New York with Moore on Jan. 11 for what was to be a short stay before they were to head to Michigan. It was not known how long Burk and Moore were together in the city.

Apparently, so did UPI:

Patrick Burk, 34, of Los Angeles, arrested at Kennedy Airport for carrying an unlicensed pistol, Newsday reported Friday.

Burk, who works for California security firm, Gavin de Becker & Associates of Studio City, said he was a bodyguard for Moore, who won an Oscar for best documentary for his anti-gun film, "Bowling for Columbine."

A National Rifle Association spokesman said: "This is the height of hypocrisy."

Port Authority police arrested Burk, who had presented his unloaded and locked .40-caliber Mauser pistol at an airport ticket counter, because he did not have a license to carry such a weapon in New York.

Oh, and so did Court TV:

A bodyguard who has protected outspoken moviemaker and gun-control advocate Michael Moore was arrested at Kennedy International Airport for allegedly carrying a pistol without a New York license, authorities said Thursday.

The points that Gavin de Becker brings up in his email refuting the story are nit-picky at best, and incorrect at worst. I know he wants to protect his firm and his employee. But let's face it--nobody cares about Burk and this incident or the firm he works for. Moore is the target. The story probably wouldn't have been picked up were it not for Moore's involvement. Regardless, de Becker says that it's incorrect to call Burk "Michael Moore's bodyguard" because he works for de Becker's firm, and protects others as well. That's ridiculous. Look, if you go up to Michael Moore and ask "who's your bodyguard?" he's going to say "Patrick Burk," no matter if Burk protects others or not. I would say that qualifies him to be "Michael Moore's bodyguard." Can you imagine someone trying to argue that you couldn't say that "[whatever establishment] is my barbershop" simply because it was owned by someone else and they also served other people? And they might not be actually cutting your hair at that very moment? Besides, in at least two of the stories Burk himself admits working for Moore as recently as January 11th.

De Becker also claims:

When checking in for the flight, Patrick Burk voluntarily advised United Airlines that he was transporting an unloaded, locked firearm in his checked luggage, precisely as regulations require, and not “carrying” a weapon, as your story inaccurately reports.

Again, I'm not sure this is necessarily incorrect. The gun was in his luggage. Unless he moved it by telekinesis, he was probably--you guessed it--carrying it. Just like someone might say "I'm carrying condoms in my wallet," or "I'm carrying tissues in my purse." De Becker's objection is understandable, though, because people will likely confuse the everyday use of "carry" with the legal use--to have on one's person. Misleading? Probably. But incorrect? I would say technically not. Regardless, the point is that Burk was on his way home to Los Angeles, which means he had the gun in NYC where he is not licensed to have it. Now, obviously no one can prove he "carried it" in the legal sense, but it seems likely that since he was there since the 11th apparently guarding Moore, that he probably would have the firearm on his person. Why else bring it?

de Becker also says it's incorrect to call the gun "unlicensed." I somewhat agree with him, because to say it's an "unlicensed gun" makes it seem to be, say, something bought on the black market, although I think then it would be called an "unregistered gun." But again...In a technical sense? The gun is not licensed to be used, or carried, in the state of New York. de Becker points out that it is "registered" to Burk, which I'm sure is the case. I might be mistaken, but I believe that "registered" and "licensed" are slightly different things. Sort of like a car. As long as I have a license (which applies to me), I can drive any car, no matter who it is registered to(which applies to the car).

Anyway, to sum all of this up, I wouldn't call the news stores "incorrect," but they are a bit misleading, and Moorewatch should be commended for publishing de Becker's email, and providing the other side of the story. Regardless, the point to all of this really has very little to do with the incident at the airport. The reason I posted the initial story, as did Moorewatch.com, et. al., was because of Moore's hypocrisy. That hasn't changed. The man who made sport of the NRA, who claimed America had an "obsession with guns," that we are living in a "culture of fear"...He still hired armed guards to protect himself.

Once More Into The Breech

I'm so nervous about the AFC championship game, you'd think I was playing in it. I'm a Steelers fan. I've never been anything else. And I hate the Patriots more than any other team in football. (plus, they play dirty.) I've hated them ever since they beat the Steelers a few years back with an illegal forward lateral that was never called. And I hate the fact that despite the Steelers having home field advantage, a better record, a better defense, AND the fact that the Steelers have already beat them once this year, the Patriots are favored by three points. I don't know how that happens. Oh, sure, everyone says "Well, Roethlisberger played like a rookie last week and they barely beat the Jets, and now the Pats have Corey Dillon back."

Okay, first of all, Roethlisberger did NOT "play like a rookie" last week. He made two mistakes in the interceptions. Otherwise, his stats (17/30, 181yds, 1TD, 2 INT)were pretty similar to Chad Pennington's (21/33, 182yds, 1 INT). And they may have barely beaten the jets, but remember, it was really on two big plays--one of the interceptions, and a special teams return. Other than that, the Jets offense scored all of three points. And yeah, they'll have Corey Dillon back, and he is a good back. But he's not a miracle worker. Week eight, when these teams met, the Steelers defense held New England to five yards rushing. Not one back, mind you, but the whole team. Of course Dillon will do better than that, but the Steelers' Defense is devastating against the run. And even though they have Dillon, they don't have either starting cornerback (which, last time, left Plaxico Burress with a mismatch advantage that gave him two TDs), Defensive End Richard Seymour, Defensive End Rodney Bailey, and possibly Linebacker Ted Johnson. That's a pretty beat-up defense, especially against a Steelers tough offensive line and what could be the best triple set of receivers in the leage in Burress, Hines Ward, and Antwaan Randle El. And if that isn't enough, don't forget they're going to run Jerome Bettis again, and again, and again, until the defense is tired. You say Bettis is tired? Fine, then they'll just run Duce Staley at them...again, and again, and...Tell me again why the Patriots are favored?

Let's face it, it's going to come down to one thing--can Big Ben handle the pressure and keep from turning the ball over? That will make the difference. Here's my advice to Cowher, for what it's worth: I'd come out shooting, trying to take advantage of the second string cornerbacks, especially the Burress mismatch that worked so well last time. If it works, and you take a little lead, then the rest of the day is ball control. Lots of running (you've got two DE's out), and short, inside slant passes because they're quick to get off, and almost impossible to defend. Run the clock down and keep their defense on the field as much as possible. AND NO SPECIAL TEAMS SCREWUPS!!!!!!

Anyway, I believe the Steelers are the better team, and that they can win. I hope they do. I'll probably be miserable for days if they don't. (In that case, I welcome all consoling from female readers.) I remember in week eight, telling a friend that I had a feeling that the Steelers would beat the unbeaten Pats, and that this game might be a precursor to the AFC Championship game. Looks like I was right. The following week, Pittsburgh played Philly--also unbeaten--and I told the same friend that I had a feeling they would win again, and that this game might be a precursor to the Super Bowl. Here's hoping I'll make it two for two.

GO STEELERS!!

Too Good To Pass Up

I haven't picked on Michael Moore in a while but I couldn't let these go by without posting them. The first is about Moore's bodyguard.

NEW YORK--Filmmaker Michael Moore's bodyguard was arrested for carrying an unlicensed weapon in New York's JFK airport Wednesday night.

Must be authorities didn't buy the "Sorry, I just opened a bank account" excuse. Next thing you know, K-Mart employees are going to film themselves outside of Moore's building, asking him to no longer give his bodyguard money for bullets.

Who's buying into the "culture of fear" and "obsession with guns" now, Mike, you hypocritical fuck?

The second one isn't quite as karmically satisfying, but it's close. Seems Moore was denied entrance into his high school's hall of fame...for the fourth time.

"Would you want him as a role model? Would you want your son or daughter to be like him?" asked Don Hammond, a member of the Hall of Fame selection committee. "I haven't talked to anybody yet who's for him. The word to describe Michael Moore is embarrassing. He embarrasses everybody."

C'mon...Is it really that surprising that most of the folks from Davison can't stand Moore? I mean, here's a guy who attended private parochial school until age 14, then went to Davison High. But what do we constantly hear from Moore and his people? Moore is a "regular guy," a "Flint native," that he "grew up in Flint," he continues to sign his letters "Flint" (despite having a million-dollar NYC apartment), all of which is done to carefully create the image he wants--that of the struggling working guy. Moore has ignored Davison. Why? Maybe it's because it doesn't jibe with that image. After all Davison is actually the wealthy, white suburb of Flint.

Davison's median household income is one and a half times that of Flint's, and its median house value is just over twice that of Flint's. Davison's 2000 unemployment rate was a minuscule 4.6 percent, a third that of Flint's, and its poverty rate was half the national average. Davison is also lily-white to a staggering degree: African-Americans make up only one-half of one percent of its population.

That's from Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man. Sorry I don't have a link.

In short, Moore has done everything possible to dissociate himself from Davison and its high school. All the town is doing is returning the favor.

Two Completely Unrelated Things

What the hell??? About 80% of my hits are now coming from google searches looking for images with the search terms "Colin," "Farrell," and "finger." And they're almost all from international versions of Google. What the hell is going on here? Is there some story about Farrell giving people the finger that I missed? Am I now involved in some international conspiracy? You! Yes, you--the one from the Netherlands...can you explain this? Any of you?


and on a lighter note, here's Larry Elder on Social Security.

In 1992, the Wall Street Journal asked President Clinton, "Let's run a couple [of deficit cutting schemes] by you just to see if you would entertain them: raising the retirement age for Social Security benefits." Clinton answered, "I think it's something we ought to look at, I sure do. When Social Security was instituted . . . the retirement age was pegged at an age that was higher than the average life expectancy of the people paying into the system. The average person that actually drew retirement benefits spent about five or six of their adult years in retirement. Now, with the fastest growing group of the population over 80, by the turn of the century the average person could literally spend 20 years in retirement. . . . "

He's right, and it's one of the biggest problems with Social Security. As originally intended, it was to provide benefit for those who were of strong stock, and managed to live past life expectancy, NOT to supplement retirement benefits.

Did I Miss Something?

I've been getting quite a number of hits from Google looking for pictures with the search terms "Colin," "Farrell," and "finger."

What's that knuckleheaded Irishman been up to?

And We Share A Birthday!

How smoking hot was Teri Hatcher at the Golden Globes? The actress, who won an award for "Desperate Housewives," usually looks good, but for some reason she looked particularly fetching that evening. Sigh...She'll always be Lois Lane to me.

And while I'm on the topic of "Housewives," I have to say--I know she's psychotic, but I find myself strangely drawn to Marcia Cross's character Bree. I'm sure, though, that if I just hit myself in the goods with a hammer a couple of times, that desire for abuse will go away. Either that, or I'll black out for a couple of days.

Don't Let Her Order The Lobster!

I can't remember if I posted on this challenge before or not (and I'm too lazy to look right now), but the gist of it is that customers of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub have three hours to eat a six-pound burger...with another five pounds of "fixins." So far, no one has been able to do it. No one, that is, until one plucky girl tucked in her napkin.

Kate Stelnick, 19, of Princeton, N.J., who weighs just 100 pounds, on Wednesday became the first person to eat a six-pound hamburger - and five pounds of fixins’ - within three hours.

Yesiree, little Katie Stelnick has earned her place in the history books, as well as a lifetime of "swallowing six pounds of meat" jokes.

Some Bad News

I just lost two of my classes for the Spring. To put that into perspective for you non-academics, just imagine that someone cut your paycheck by about $1000 for each of the next four months. Yeah...that bad.

Dating, Round 2

The post high-school dating history, MY post high-school dating history was not so much barren as it was...spotty. I took a couple of years off before I went to college, and since I had a good job, I spent quite a bit of time hanging out in bars, drinking, playing pool, etc. Living in a college town, there were plenty of dating opportunities--video store girl, much-too-horny girl, known-her-since-she-was-eight girl--but none of them seemed to last too long. There's no mystery about it, mind you. It was all my fault. Now, I'm not some ladies man, but for some reason, these girls always seemed to like me a little too much a little too fast. Indeed, it was probably because I'm not a ladies man; I'm just a nice guy. (Okay, everybody: Awwwwww)Whatever the reason, it was always too much, too soon for me, and I pushed these girls away. And believe me, over the years, I've beat my head against the wall many times, wondering what the hell I was thinking. They were very nice girls, and I know (now) I was lucky they were even interested.

There were a few of the other kind, too. Not so nice. The most bizarre of which...Well, I'll just tell the story. I'm standing in one of my usual dives (the term 'dive' is accurate here) watching a pool game, waiting my turn. Next to me, out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman--obviously drunk and somewhat homely. The reason I notice her is that instead of standing straight up like the rest of us, she's making little clockwise circles, like one of those inflatable punching clowns after you've whacked it a couple of times.

She leans into me, and in a loud whisper that smells of booze and cigarettes says "It's my birthday." Polite fellow that I am, I offer the obligatory "Happy birthday." What followed was a little-too-long dramatic pause before she hit me with it. "You can fuck me if you want." I nodded at her solemnly, and said "I'll keep that in mind."

I went home alone. But I digress.

As far as the dating goes, it seemed like I was always the one doing the breaking-up, and for a while there, I think I actually became pretty good at it. The girl would generally leave with no hard feelings, maybe even thinking "you know...He's right." On occasion, I even managed some physical contact immediately after the break up. I don't know, maybe that happens all the time, but I remember thinking "Huh...how'd this happen?"

I should stop here for a moment and point out that although it might not seem it, I did have some scruples. For example, I never cheated on a girlfriend. Never did; never will. I have, however, been the "other man" a couple of times. I see no problem with that. I'm not cheating on anyone, and if she decides to cheat...Well, that's her thing.

Anyway...Where were we? Oh yeah...The college years. Subtitle? "Payback's a bitch." But seeing as the new semester is starting, you'll have to wait for the next post.

YES!!!!

Finally, a fight worthy of pay per view. Although, like many of the Tyson fights, I can't imagine it lasting more that a couple of seconds.

Fer Cryin' Out Loud....

Can somebody please tell me how it is that The Thornburgh Independent Review Panel investigating the Rathergate memo scandal over at CBS failed to find any evidence of political bias??? Oh, perhaps it was because the panel wasn't exactly "independent," as Tony Blankley points out.

So the lawyers hired to independently investigate CBS have a lawyer/client relationship with CBS. Presumably, as a senior member of that firm, Independent Review Panel Member Richard Thornburgh also has CBS as a fiduciary client. Thus, unlike similarly named government independent investigations -- this one is paid for by, and carried out on behalf of, the target of the investigation.

Outrageous. Even Rather is still clinging to the illusion that this was all some sort of "honest mistake." His response is posted on Drudge, and includes the laughable line:

I have seen us overcome adversity before. I am convinced we can do so again.

Need I point out that the term adversity means hardship or misfortune, again implying that somehow, this was something done to CBS instead of something done by them. Unreal. Rather needs to look himself straight in the eye and say that "it's time to bolt the shutters because the stove is hot and Aunt Minnie's just about done with the wash." Whatever the hell that means.

You're Sick, Eh?

Think the U.S. health care system sucks ass? Thinking about going to Canada because their system is better than ours? You might want to hold off on those travel plans until you read "Miracle Cure" by Sally Pipes, or at least this column by Walter E. Williams.

"The median wait for an MRI across Canada was 12.6 weeks. Patients in Prince Edward Island experienced the shortest wait for an MRI (six weeks), while Newfoundland residents waited longest (33.5 weeks)." Overall, Canada's total waiting time between referral from a general practitioner to treatment averaged about 18 weeks in 2004.

I'm going to have to put "Miracle Cure" on my reading list, and if I get to it, I'll let you know what I find out.

Nit Pick

I'm going to pick a few nits regarding this yahoo news piece. None of them are too big a deal by themselves, but it's just more evidence of the way the news can be easily manipulated. First, look at the headline:

Iraqi Victim Says U.S. Torture Worse Than Saddam

Well, first of all, I have a little trouble believing that, simply because those people who have looked into it know the kinds of atrocities that were committed under Hussein. But...Is that what the victim really said? Let's look:

An obviously ill-at ease Mutar added: "I was extremely emotional because (even) Saddam didn't do this to us."

Hmm...Okay. You see those parentheses around the word "even"? That generally means that word was not part of the original quote, but rather added for clarity or to make the sentence grammatically correct. It's obviously not the latter, for the sentence is grammatically correct without it. That means the reporter added it. Granted, there's not a lot of difference between the two sentences, but there is a difference. By adding the term "even," the reporter makes it sound like the man quoted is saying that US treatment is worse than that of Hussein...As it states in the headline. The man may, in fact, feel that way, but the quote on its own doesn't make that clear.

The second issue I have with this piece is in paragraph eight:

But investigations have shown many prisoners in Iraq, Afghanistan and at the U.S. Navy base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba also suffered abusive treatment after the government looked at ways to obtain more information in its war against terrorism.

Investigations? Many? I haven't heard of these investigations--why not mention them by name so I can examine them for myself? How many is many? 15? 150?

Again, I know I'm being nit-picky with these things, but isn't it just as easy to get them right and be specific as it is to get them wrong? Why not quote verbatim? He's obviously read about the "investigations"; why not tell us?

HERO

Next semester, I'm teaching a class on the Hero Myth. Growing up, I always heard stories like Sgt. Rafael Peralta's, but I always assumed it was just a result of the progession of that same Hero Myth, an exemplification of the sacrifice and devotion of all men to their causes. I should have remembered that somewhere, some way, all those myths are built upon a kernel of truth. Sgt. Peralta's story is one which can stand among any that I will be looking at in the upcoming class.

It's a shame that you won't read words like these in the mainstream media.

Kaemmerer recounts how later on the night of Nov. 15, a friend approached him and said: "You're still here; don't forget that. Tell your kids, your grandkids, what Sgt. Peralta did for you and the other Marines today." Don't forget. Good advice for all of us.

Well said.

Funniest, Schmunniest

Okay, for those two of you that are waiting for part two of the dating thing, never fear. I'm working on it, but carefully. I'm trying to be as honest as possible with it, while not simply vomiting words up in some kind of purging therapy session. In the meantime, I have to thank Ken for pointing out how I have shirked my duties. This top ten comedy scenes list from the previous post is simply atrocious. And it's no excuse to say that this was a British poll. The Brits may have absolutely awful food (toad in the hole???), but when it comes to comedy, they've given us Chaplin, Benny Hill, Monty Python, Peter Cook, Peter Sellers, and Irish jokes (bastards!) among others.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can do better.

That's right, I'm taking suggestions, either publicly or privately, for the top ten funniest scenes of all time. I'm sure this small group of us can come up with a list that will make all time proud. When submitting, consider the following criteria:

1) How funny was it? This is all time, so...you know...you better have milk coming out your nose, or something coming from some orifice.

2) How memorable is it? It should probably be one of the first things you think of when you think of that film. That's why I had trouble with trying to justify The Jerk or Airplane!--They're so overall funny that it's tough to pick out one scene.

3) Will it have broad comedic appeal? (This means that except for the Christopher Walken driving scene in...Annie Hall(?), and some of Take the Money and Run...no Woody Allen!) Theses scenes should be at least somewhat funny to everyone, so don't send in something like "I thought the witticisms in the ballroom scene of Le Pretentious Fuck were simply charming!"

4) Has it been oft imitated? This certainly is not a requirement to get on the list, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

So send in the suggestions, folks! I've got some ideas of my own to throw in, and ultimately I'm going to decide the final content of the list, so don't worry--if your choice isn't included, that just means you really don't have much of a sense of humor.

Intermission

This was just too interesting to wait until the end of part two of my dating history. Apparently, Blockbuster has polled 4,000 people to find the ten funniest movie scenes of all time. Reading the list, however, I was shocked. There were a few I expected...the hair gel scene from There's Something About Mary, for example. (Ha ha! It's really semen...get it?!) But there were some very surprising inclusions, and some glaring omissions. (There'd have to be, wouldn't there, since although the claim is the funniest scene of all time, there's no film there before 1974.)

Still Here!

I know I haven't been around lately. It's just that I'm trying to enjoy this short time off that I have. Mainly, that consists of goofing off, and trying to catch up on books and television. I just finished watching all the episodes of the third season of "24" in about 24 hours. It really is the best way to watch it, I think. Man, seems like every year that Jack Bauer has one sumbitch of a day, you know? That man's got some bad karma.

Enough of that--on to the good stuff...well, the mediocre stuff at least. Seems like the topic lately is dating. I don't know why, unless it's that holiday thing where everyone takes stock of themselves, their love lives, etc. Whatever the reason, people are sharing their dating philosophies/histories. Mine should be pretty easy.

My dating philosophy: I don't do it. The quick and easy reason is that once, some time ago, I found the true meaning of love. Shortly after that, I found the other true meaning of love--the one where my heart was ripped from my chest and held up so I could still see it beating before it was thrown to the ground and crushed under a stylish leather boot. That's the short story. The long story is very gory and filled with expletives.

Now, of course, I can make jokes about it, but at the time, I felt a lot like Ralph Wiggum in that Simpsons episode--I was sure that if someone ran a videotape of my life in slow-motion, they would be able to find that exact, telling moment:

BART: "Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half!"
--"I Love Lisa"; season four

The dating history is somewhat of a roller coaster ride. I think part of the problem is that I used up a good deal of the dating mojo too fast. As a very young man of about five, I had plenty of girlfriends. If you've read past posts, you'll know that in school, I was a bit of a prodigy. I guess school wasn't the only place where I was ahead of the others. I can remember getting caught by my mother while my first girlfriend, Kathy H., and I were naked in my bedroom. I can remember getting in trouble for making out with my other first girlfriend Bobbie Jo J. on the way to the planetarium. My kindergarten experience was such that had I known then who Hugh Hefner was, I very well might have attended school clad in a smoking jacket and beechwood bubble pipe.

Fast forward to about twelve. Summer camp. Remarkably enough, I still had pull with the opposite sex, although I didn't know it. I remember those two weeks fondly--my first slow dance, with a girl who will always occupy a special place in my heart, and who was later taken from us by anorexia. And one of the best stories, too: When my parents came to pick me up, my mother asked me if I had had a good time. As if on cue, two of the cute girls from the camp (okay, one cute, one cute but psychotic) came running up and said goodbye by kissing me slowly and softly on the mouth and arguing over who liked me more. Mom just looked at me as if I had grown a third arm. "Well," she said, "it seems you did." That, by the way, was the last time I attended camp.

I'll throw in one more before leaving this land of milk and honeys to venture forth into what I call "The Lean Years." But this one was an important one. Amy, my first love. And even though I don't believe in it, it was love at first sight. I was...seventeen? I think that's right. I remember two things about her. The first is that I loved to loan her my jacket because whenever I got it back, it would smell like her, and I would be loath to wear it myself, lest the thing picked up my brutish scent. The other thing I remember is our first kiss. I mean, I remember every little detail. I remember that it was raining out, lightly. There was this eerie glow over everything because of a green garage light above us. I remember the familiar smell of her and the taste of her lips and tongue, and most surprising of all, I remember these tingling jolts of...what? Electricity? Pleasure? Maybe a mixture of both. They ran through my body and I felt alive, energized. Driving home that night, I couldn't stop shaking, like I couldn't possibly hold everything in. Had I come across a late-night traveler with a flat tire, I swear it would have been "Pffft... don't bother with that jack," and I would have lifted the thing off the ground with one hand.

They say all good things must come to an end, and this was no exception. College, and distance, and quickly fading youth all conspired against us. And whatever thoughts about her I hold today, I will say this: never again, after any physical contact with any woman, did I feel the way I did after that first kiss with Amy.

I know we're not supposed to kiss and tell...er, show, but I love this picture of her.

(After discussing it with some friends, I decided that it was best (respectful-wise)to remove the picture.)

Besides, I haven't heard from her in years. If she wants me to take it down, she can write me.

Okay, I need to take a break and steel my resolve before round two, where things get harder, and where you can really increase your scoring...although I didn't.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of you! To ring in the new year, I thought I'd share this link to "National Geographic's Top Ten Quirkiest Stories of 2004."

1. Herring Break Wind to Communicate, Study Suggests
Schools of herring communicate by passing gas, according to an unprecedented study. The fish apparently hear the bubbles as they're expelled, helping them to find each other in the dark and form protective groups.

What's really amazing is that this happens to be the same method I use when I'm camping with friends and get lost in the woods.