March 13, 2005

Deja Vu All Over Again

I think (knock wood) that the computer problems have been dealt with. Unfortunately, there is a family tragedy that will keep me busy for the next day or so. Because I value you all so much, I thought I'd throw out some rehashed (but new to the blog) material. That way you'll have something new to read. This first one breaks the boundries of good taste. Shatters them, really. But why start small? So, with apologies to...Well, just about everyone, I present:

Horoscopes for Mentally Unbalanced Children
(because everybody needs a little push now and then)

Scorpio: The sign for Scorpio is the venomous scorpion. This is because most people born under this sign end up poisoning people. You might want to make a list of your enemies and invite them over for a pretend tea party. Then you can bury the hatchet…in their heads. Poison? How are you going to poison anybody? It’s a PRETEND tea party, silly!

Aries: Aries is ruled by the planet Mars. Mars is the Roman god of war. His minions, the Martians, are the ones trying to steal your thoughts through the electrical sockets. You might want to plug those with something. Forks work well.

Capricorn: The goat is the symbol for Capricorn. Goats will eat anything, even that nosy Jehova’s Witness stored in the freezer. Can you say “forensics”? Good. Do you know what “forensics” means? If you had a goat, it wouldn’t really matter now, would it?

Taurus: Taurus is the sign of the bull and its ruling quality is stubbornness. In fact, Taurans often go so far as to do the polar opposite of even the slightest suggestion. On a lighter note, today is your day! You definitely should NOT drink all your father’s gin and go lie down on the train tracks.

Virgo: Virgos are known for their meticulous attention to detail. They are very neat and clean. This is why they are hardly ever caught. Well, that and a propensity for eliminating witnesses.

Aquarius: Aquarius is the water bearer, the carrier of the “precious fluid.” If you are an Aquarius, there is a good chance that people are covetous of your “precious fluid.” These people are perverted sinners and must be punished. You will know who they are because they will make you feel tingly in that “special place.”

Pisces: Your sign is a fish, which is possibly the wimpiest of all signs. It is very likely that nobody likes you and that everyone makes fun of you when you’re not around. While committing terrible atrocities in public places might not make people like you, you can be sure that they will quiver in awe at your terrible power.

Leo: Leo’s sign is the Lion. “Lion” sounds an awful lot like “lyin,’” don’t you think? Words that sound alike are called “homonyms.” Ha ha ha! What a funny word! When the police ask if you hit your little brother with the bat, you should tell them “no!” Then tell them: “I’m Lion.” After they finish beating you with telephone books, you can explain all about the words that sound alike, and everyone will have a good laugh. Ha ha ha.

Gemini: Gemini is the sign of the twins. Do you have a twin? Are you sure? Who do you think covers your clothes with blood while you sleep?

Libra: Libra is represented by the scales. Just like the scales of Justice. Today is a good day to dispense some Justice. Can you think of anyone who needs to feel the swiftness of your Justice? How about some government officials? Maybe you should write to Jodie Foster and see what she thinks.

Sagittarius: You’re one of the fire signs. This is because nothing satisfies you quite like the pungent aroma of burning flesh. Those crowded dance clubs shouldn’t have those boxes piled in front of the emergency exits anyway. Fire is red. Blood is red. Satan is red. Red, red, red.

Cancer: Cancer is a pervasive disease, much like those dirty, dirty whores. Many times, cancerous tumors are cut out from healthy tissue with very sharp instruments. Do you have any sharp instruments? Go get them.

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