"Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow (that way you won't see this bullet coming)"
I'm sure by now that you've all heard about the murder of actor Robert Blake's wife. You know, in this country, that if any celebrity spouse dies under mysterious circumstances, two things are bound to occur. First, the media starts slinging shit like Luke Wilson's truck in that scene from Meet the Parents. By the time they're done, you often wonder why: a) the victim wasn't killed years ago, possibly by pissed-off drug lords or white slave traders and b) how the victim's spouse even became a celebrity in the first place, since his/her talents would obviously suggest other occupations, like lurking around a slaughterhouse.
The second thing bound to occur is that somewhere, somehow, the initials "O.J." will appear. The New York Post reported on an interview with O.J.--or Mr. Simpson as I like to call him in case he reads this--and claimed that he offered Robert Blake a few tips on getting through this tough time. Of course there was the obvious things-don't take a lie detector test, don't watch TV, make sure you eliminate the wussy little playboy/witness living in your guesthouse--but it was the more insightful things, the things the Post left out that were so interesting.
"Robert has to deal with reality," Simpson said. "He's going to be second guessing himself a lot. Blaming himself. 'Why did I go back to the restaurant?' Things like that. I can't tell you the number of times I thought: 'If only I hadn't stabbed her in the throat, Nicole would still be alive today.' But you can't survive on 'if onlys.'"
Mr. Simpson had some other suggestions for raising Blake's spirits.
"Don't listen to people. They can be cruel with their accusations. I mean, sure, it looks bad when you park on a deserted street, blocks away from where you're going to be eating. And some people might find it suspicious that he left her to go back to the restaurant to get his gun, but … he left his gun at the restaurant? Really? What, with like, the hat-check girl? Didn't this guy play a cop? Sheee-it. Punk ass white boy amateurs. Uh I mean, you know, stay strong, God is love."
According to Simpson, Blake still faces a tough road ahead.
"The best thing that he can do right now is to try to find the real killers as quickly as possible, even if he has to check every golf course in a three-hundred mile radius."
When asked if he thought Blake was innocent, Simpson got a far-off look in his eyes.
"Well," he said, scratching his chin, "I don't know. But if he did kill her, it must have been because he loved her very, very much. And remember, in this country, a man is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt." Then he smiled, shrugging. "And even then…"