Here's what I want to talk (read: babble incessantly) about for the moment: Mad Cow disease. Now I recently got back to what I like to call "my fighting weight" (mainly because it sounds better than "my crying like a little girl weight"). I did this by switching to a high-protein diet. Before you start telling me how awful it is, I just wanna say--I feel better, I sleep better, I look better, and I have much more energy, so shut the hell up.
My only real concern is this Mad Cow Disease. I don't know that much about it, except that, well, there's these cows....and they're mad...maybe because we lead them down a concrete chute and fire steel pins into their heads.
Now I think we can all agree that a cow's life consists of standing around in bunches and then being eaten. God knows what will happen should they try to escape from this docile, and quite tasty, existence. I was prepared to take up the anti-cow movement, by organizing a little group I like to call All Cow Haters, Outside of Oprah (ACHOO). It was then, however, that Ken explained to me that Mad Cow Disease is simply a disease from eating tainted beef, which I almost never do.
Apparently, it's only English beef that can pass on the disease, so as my good deed for the day, I'm gonna tell you all how to remain safe.
1) You could give up beef altogether, but why would you want to do that? Then you could only eat vegetables, and McDonald's hamburgers, which contain only trace amounts of meat. But still, it's an option.
2) English people are very polite and well-mannered. If you happen to see a cow that clears its throat, or says "I say" before mooing, best not try to eat it.
3) English people like to spell things wrong, like 'colour'(color), 'honour'(honor), and 'football'(soccer). So beware of consuming any product spelled 'beuff', 'boeff', or 'spam'.
4) Don't go to England. I think this one goes without saying. They have a nasty history of enslaving every other culture they come in contact with. Plus they drive on the wrong side of the road.
5) Don't sleep in the subway, Darlin'. Boy, I love that song.
6) Drink lots of alcohol. This might not help, but it couldn't hurt.
So there you have it. Hope I've helped. And I hope that I have done it without offending anyone. But knowing Ken as I do, he must have a Limey vegetarian on his mailing list somewhere. To you, madam, I apologize.
March 25, 2005
After that warm congratulatory post, I wouldn't dare include another unpublished, recycled piece, would I? Sorry, I like this one too much. It's from back when mad cow disease was all the rage.