August 25, 2004

Random Thoughts On The Olympics

Television with attractive women is like crack to me. Seriously, I'd watch a show about slaughtering a pig if the slaughtering was done by attractive women in bikinis. Before the Olympics, all I heard was Jennie Finch, Jennie Finch, Jennie Finch. Well I watched every freakin' televised softball game and let me tell you--I didn't see no Jennie Finch! I did, however, get to see that Katherine Heigl lookalike, southpaw Cat Osterman. Beautiful girl, but "paw" is right. Did you see that girl's hands? Jeez-us. Not only can she throw a screaming change-up, she can swat salmon out of a running stream. That girl's gonna make someone a fine wife.

Is it really fair to let the Greeks compete in Greco-Roman Wrestling?

I saw that MSNBC was offering "Olympic highlights, past and future." Man, there's some bettin' money to be made there, I'm sure.

"Oh, sure...I may look tough, but inside, I'm just a little girl, like any other--made out of sugar and spice, testoterone, steroids, and something else I can't pronounce...."

I know some people find Svetlana Khorkina attractive, but to me she looks kinda like a bird-woman, like you'd find on the Island of Dr. Moreau. And that name...Khorkina. That's the sound my sister's cat makes when it's coughin' up something.

Speaking of names... Logan Tom. A woman who, the angrier she gets, the sexier she gets. Plus, she has the name most fun to say backwards.

Best Olympic athlete name: Aussie diver Loudy Tourky

Names most likely to end up on a Leno Segment about cutsie weddings:Mia Hamm, soccer, and Cameron Baerg, rowing. (The Hamm-Baerg wedding...get it? Oh yeah? You're so smart, YOU try doing something with these names. For the love of God...Some of them have no vowels!)

Name you don't want to see on your medical report--Stubby Clapp, baseball.

Without Uday, the plucky Iraqis just couldn't find the will to win. Sure, they tried hitting themselves with hammers, and attaching the electrodes to their genitals themselves....but it just wasn't the same.

Saw this new Olympic sport. Women jumping on a trampoline. Sweet...the Olympic committee finally got to my suggestions. That means we should be seeing Synchronized Pole Dancing, the Stand and Jiggle, and Office Chair Bowling by 2008!!


  1. Anonymous3:51 PM

    Dead Serious, the Insurrectionist and Ken Wheaton take gold in Office Chair Bolding!!!!

  2. You should also know that the Insurrectionist was once widely recognized as the "Best Pivot Man East of the Mississippi"... a title he unfortunately had to forfeit when he moved west of the Mississippi.