Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

RIP Colonel Potter

I Do No Think It Means What You Think It Means

This has to be one of the stupidest comments I've seen on the Internet in a while:

"There has never been a period of human history where abstinence was more effective than a condom. Referring to Abstinence as a Birth Control is like referring to Donald Trump as a Presidential Candidate." --Michael Wolf

Wait...what? Either you don't know the meaning of the word "abstinence," or you don't know where babies come from. "Abstinence" means to abstain. From sex. No sex. So unless you've been touched by an angel or by Zeus disguised as a swan or a shower of light, you can't get pregnant. Hold on, is this some of that Obama Administration math? "Babies created or saved?"

So, contrary to your statement, actually throughout ALL of human history abstinence has been more effective than a condom, in much the same way as, say, abstaining from getting in a car is the most effective way of avoiding unwanted car crashes.

Touched By An Angel. (Hey, Shut Up! A Guy Can Dream, Can't He?)

I don't have high hopes for the new version of "Charlie's Angels." Let's face it--despite being the driving force behind my transition into puberty, the original wasn't exactly "Masterpiece Theater." But since I would watch Minka Kelly read from the phone book for an hour, you can bet your sweet speakerphone I'll be tuning in.

In fact, the only thing that would make me miss the season opener of "Charlie's Angels" would be that "24-hour Eva Mendes rope skipping" channel I've been working on.

Now start with the "A"s...and speak verrry slooowly

So...There's No App For That?

It appears that Apple has lost another of their iPhone prototypes in a bar. If you remember, the iPhone 4 prototype was lost a while back. This time, it's the iPhone 5. It was apparently left in the San Francisco bar, Cava 22. First of all, can I just say to Apple, STOP BRINGING YOUR PROTOTYPES TO BARS!! Lock. Your shit. Up. Or stop whining about it.

"Apple had contacted the police claiming the prototype is invaluable, the report says."

Yeah, but not too fucking invaluable to leave at home, I guess. This is like if Batman left the Batmobile outside a 7-11 with the Bat-keys in the Bat-ignition while he ran inside to take a Bat-dump, and then complained when someone drove off with it. At the very least, Apple, if you have to test the prototype in the wild, stop giving it to some idiot who's going to take it to the bar. You just know he was using that shit to get laid. "Hey, ladies! Look what I got!"


But that's not even the real story. The real story, and the reason this pisses me off so much is that Apple searched some guy's house, looking for the phone. That's right--I said Apple searched the guy's house. Not the police (although they "escorted" the Apple investigators). Not only did they not find the phone, they also declined to file a report, which means that they didn't even have to file a police report to get the cops to escort them there in the first place.


A couple of points:

1. "Apple's team searched the home, car and computer files" Computer files? Is Apple making virtual phones now? Why on earth are they searching computer files looking for an actual, physical phone. Without a search warrant either, obviously, since no police report was filed.
2. Why did they have to search the guy's house at all? You know what I do when I've lost my cell phone? I CALL MYSELF. How's that for genius, Apple? Yeah, just listen for the ringtone instead of tearing a guy's house up. Oh, I know what you're thinking--suppose it was on "vibrate"? My cell phone also has the ability to punch in a code from another phone and start an ear-splitting alarm. But then what do I know; my phone's not "invaluable." (It's also not an Apple.) 
3. "The man, who reportedly said he's a U.S. citizen who lives with relatives, told SF Weekly that the people searching his home questioned his family's immigration status." So apart from being douchebags that can't keep track of their shiny baubles, Apple is apparently also racist. No wonder so much of their stuff is white.
4. "Nor did Apple enlist the Federal Bureau of Investigation."  Nor should they, unless I missed something. Is "iPhone prototype" secret code for "dead hooker"? Last I heard, the FBI had real crimes to investigate, such as murder, kidnapping, and drug trafficking. I think "losing your phone in a bar" falls a little short of their jurisdiction. So Apple, you can just do what the rest of us do when someone walks off with our stuff: fill out a report and wait until Doomsday to hear something, because that shit is gone.

I just find this whole thing distasteful, mostly because of the way Apple has handled it. This wasn't corporate espionage. Nobody broke and entered. Tom Cruise wasn't hanging on little wires, dressed in black neoprene. This was Apple's fault. They were careless with their phone, and then, when they lost it, they impersonated police officers to search a guy's home without so much as a reported crime, much less a warrant, most of which has to violate any number of laws, I would imagine. (That's probably why the actual police stayed outside--they knew better.)

So you know what, Apple? I hope that your employee got shitfaced and dropped the phone on his way out of the bar, where it was found by some homeless dude who's now using it to level off the fourth corner of his refrigerator box under the highway somewhere. Good luck getting that back.

Hat tip to Ken.

Generosity is Awesome!

Scott Baio (yes, that Scott Baio) could really use donations for his non-profit charitable organization, Baily Baio Angel Foundation. It's a great organization that works at making life better for families and children dealing with GA1 and other organic acidemia metabolic disorders. I don't want to speak for him, so don't hold me to this one, but Scott has also suggested that he would "follow" on Twitter those who donate.

You can find out more about OA disorders here and here. Please give generously. And not just because "Happy Days" and "Charles in Charge" are awesome. Do it because generosity is awesome!

It's All About Who You Work For

Wow...that didn't take long. I see the media is already going after Rick Perry. This article from Time.com asserts that he once "Aggressively Pursued Federal Aid He Now Decries." How hypocritical of him...or is it?

I do think that there is a lot of hypocrisy out there on both sides of the aisle, but I'm not sure that these two situations are inconsistent, and therefore, not necessarily hypocritical. Today, Perry is running for POTUS, and part of that job would be to get federal spending under control. (Are you listening, Mr. Obama?) He should be looking out for U.S. citizens, and their future. Thus his current position on deficit spending.

This is an entirely different job than the one he held at the time in question. Back in 2003, Perry was governor of Texas. What was his job then? To represent the people of Texas. I don't think it's inconsistent in the slightest to say "hey, federal spending is out of control, and should be cut back...but as long as those programs are in place, I'm going to be damn sure to get benefits for the people I represent, because that's why they elected me." Turning that money down, or ignoring it only hurts the people he was elected to represent. Lobbying for it really only means he was doing a good job on their behalf.* It's no different than an individual saying "I think the welfare system is costly and inefficient and I think they could make some important changes; however, my family is in need and my primary concern is their well-being, so I will take the benefits." If that individual is put in charge of the welfare system eight years later, is it that strange that he or she would try to fix those issues from so long ago?

This is just Time trying to find some way to stem the flow of Perry's sudden popularity. Ultimately, though, the difference between Perry then and now? Simple--in 2003, he was representing a different group of people.

*full dislosure: I'm no Perry fan; I don't really know him well enough. I also hate lobbying and lobbyists and everything to do with that aspect of politics. But, as I said, as long as it's in place, I would expect my representatives to participate to the extent that they can.

Airbrushed (Climate) Models?

So I stumbled across yet another "sky-is-falling" Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) headline:

Has warming put 'Dirty Dozen' pollutants back in the saddle?

Apparently, the Arctic ice is melting and releasing nasty chemicals into the atmosphere, right?.  But then I stumbled across this little gem, buried in the middle:

The scientists indeed found a long-term downward trend in primary emissions after the Stockholm Convention banned production and trade in the "Dirty Dozen."

But a more complex and disturbing picture emerged when the same data was crunched through a simulation of the effect of global warming on POP concentrations.(emphasis mine)

So...I guess you could say that the picture is not only "complex and disturbing," but also "imaginary." Let's not even discuss the fact that apparently this model starts with the assumption that global warming exists, something still in dispute. (Before you go all Gore-ish on me, keep reading...) It's a computer model. It makes predictions. And if it's anything like most global warming models, it does it poorly. (Again, keep reading.) So, what this article is really saying is "we see a decrease in bad chemicals, but our made-up projections from our handy-dandy doomsday computer are saying we're all...well, doomed." And I'm not even going to get into the fact that many people out there, including scientists, think that banning DDT in the first place cost millions of lives due to malaria that could have been prevented. What I will say is that it's very hard to take this article seriously when one of the other "related headlines" on the page was this one:

New NASA Data Blow Gaping Hole In Global Warming Alarmism

The article states that NASA satellite data (which many consider to be more accurate than ground data and definitely more accurate than made-up-doomsday-computer data) indicates that:

the Earth's atmosphere is allowing far more heat to be released into space than alarmist computer models have predicted, reports a new study in the peer-reviewed science journal Remote Sensing. The study indicates far less future global warming will occur than United Nations computer models have predicted, and supports prior studies indicating increases in atmospheric carbon dioxide trap far less heat than alarmists have claimed.

Yeah, that's right--Your computer models SUCK. If that sounds familiar, you've probably been reading my blog for a while, since I posted on this way back in 2008.

So what does this mean? Well, we can say that...wait! Shhh! I think if you listen carefully, you might hear the stake being driven through the heart of the AGW Alarmist Movement....

In short, the central premise of alarmist global warming theory is that carbon dioxide emissions should be directly and indirectly trapping a certain amount of heat in the earth's atmosphere and preventing it from escaping into space. Real-world measurements, however, show far less heat is being trapped in the earth's atmosphere than the alarmist computer models predict, and far more heat is escaping into space than the alarmist computer models predict.

Can we finally take back Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize and Oscar (although maybe he should get one for acting, since he's fooled so many people)?

Why I Tell People I Live In NJ

 “The speaker’s plan is on life support,” added New York Sen. Chuck Schumer. “It is time for him to pull the plug.”

Pulling the plug. Something Schumer has never done, lest he miss a chance to see himself on television. Hey, Chuck--where's your fucking plan?

And along those lines, I see that you and the other Senate Democrats sent a letter to Speaker Boehner saying that you wouldn't vote for his plan if it passed the House. Remind me again which party it is that's to blame for no deal?

Epic Fail

If the President continues to trot out the "blame Bush" excuse (as he did the other night during the prime-time speech), then I think he has to also, logically, concede that his presidency has been an incredible failure anyway. Follow my logic here:

1) He ran, and won, knowing the state of the economy. It sounds obvious, I know, but it is the key to the rest of this. If the Bush administration was so horrible, it must have been fairly obvious to a member of the senate, running for POTUS, just how bad it was.

2) Knowing the state of the economy at the outset, he certainly wanted to improve it. I think we can all agree on that. I don't think he's an evil guy. And besides, he's far too full of himself to do anything but try to create a legacy for himself by, among other things, fixing that economy.

3) Despite spending exorbitant amounts of money, spending the likes of which we've never seen, despite promising better employment rates, despite promising he was going to "drive us out of the ditch," despite promising to bend the medical cost curve down, despite promising to be a "uniter" and to better relations between the U.S. and the rest of the world, despite all of that, he's accomplished...well, none of it, really. By any significant measure, we are worse off than when he took office. He's even had to resort to some mythical "jobs saved" measurement to not look completely incompetent. That's like saying I saved millions in child support because of all those women I didn't sleep with. With the execption of Bin Laden, which was a result of policies that he would have voted against as a senator, name me one success he's had. Anybody? He even won the Nobel Peace Prize (which I feel was completely undeserved), and then preceded to add one more war to the books (although given past winners, that shouldn't surprise anybody).

4) Objectively, he has failed in nearly every aspect of his presidency--foreign policy gaffes, ineffective, costly economic plans, you name it. Since he knew what he was getting into, ran for the job, welcomed the job, performed the job, it doesn't really matter whether he "inherited" problems or not. He hasn't fixed them, and has therefore failed. I'll use the analogy that he seems to be fond of lately--that of the American family. If a family is struggling and I come into their lives as a financial planner, with the objective of getting them back on track, and three years later their finances are worse than when I started? I've failed. And by the way, it certainly would do me no good to blame the household, except to make me look slightly pathetic. I came in to do a job, and didn't do it.

So there you have it. If he truly believes he "inherited" our current mess, then he is also a failed president. QED. Now would President McCain have failed as well? I don't really know. That answer is of the "jobs saved" variety. But I suspect two things--he wouldn't have failed quite as spectacularly, and he wouldn't have taken every opportunity possible to blame someone else.

Plus What?

Okay, so I'm on Google+ now. Thanks to Ken for the invite.

If You Do It Too Long, You Could Go Blind

Stare at the sun, that is. What did you think I meant? This diagram, from USA Today, is serious business. One shouldn't fool around with sunstroke. After all, it's really just a form of self-abuse. You get all hot and bothered and yet you keep on grinding away at your task, hard and fast, until finally you feel like your head just burst. That's a stiff price to pay. If you feel yourself getting all hot-blooded, the best thing to do is to take a cold shower.

And think about baseball.

Is Kim Kardashian Smarter Than Anthony Weiner?

Yes, at least when it comes to recognizing one's own body, I guess. Despite yammering on incessantly about what would happen if someone were to throw a pie at him, Representative Weiner can't seem to come up with the answer to what appears to be a simple question: is the picture sent from his twitter account, in fact, a picture of his nether region? Is it because he really doesn't recognize himself? How hard can that be?

Not too hard, apparently, as Kim Kardashian, whose entire "career" is perched delicately on her haunches, had no trouble spotting her naked torso when it was used as the cover of Terrace Martin and Devi Dev's new album. Now, to be fair, identifying Kardashian's naked torso (or most of her other parts for that matter) isn't all that hard if you've ever, I don't know...used the internet. But still, Weiner ought to at least know whether or not someone snapped a picture of his junk. Perhaps that's the problem--he's had so many pictures taken below the belt that he just can't be sure if this one is him or not. Seriously, how else could one not be certain?

It seems pretty clear that there's something else going on here, and Weiner's normal way of dealing with things he can't answer--interrupting and/or talking loudly over dissenters--isn't working for him. There's only one thing that the media loves more than political scandal, and that's sexual political scandal. Saying that we shouldn't "make a federal case" out of it is one of the most telling statements he's made. First of all, it is a federal case. Hacking into the computer account of a sitting congressman is, I believe, the very definition of a federal case. And let's be honest: if Weiner's account was actually hacked, he'd have the culprit tracked down within hours, dragged three times around the capital building before finally having him or her flayed alive while CSPAN captured it all. The fact that he hasn't demanded a head on a platter speaks volumes.

Notice, also, that I refrained from any sophomoric innuendo or puns regarding the congressman's name. There's been so much of that already that I thought I'd give you a break from all those people trying to cram Weiner down your throat.

Morning Beverage!

Now I have a reason to get up in the morning!

Sneaky Preview

I don't do too many "tech support" posts here, but I thought I'd add this one because a) it was hard to find the way to fix it, and b) if frustrated the shit out of me.

I recently switched my Yahoo! mail over to the new beta version. I like the look and feel of the new version, but after a day or two of using it, the panel that allows you to preview a message on the bottom half of the screen had disappeared, and there was no apparent way of bringing it back.

I looked around the Yahoo! site for a couple of days, but found nothing that addressed the issue. I finally tried using Yahoo's chat service, where I was told by two agents on two separate chats that the new mail didn't have a preview pane. I'm not sure what made me think they did....Oh, wait a minute, yes I am--they advertised it as a major feature of the new version! Idiots.

So I kept looking and finally found the answer. I hope this will save some others the hassle I went through.
1) Go to the "options" button on your Yahoo! mail page and select "more options."
2) Under "general" options, look for "scroll," and make sure to select "Each panel on the page individually." (by default, Yahoo! has selected the other option--"Content of the entire page," which removes your preview panel. This was a lousy choice on their part, I believe.)
3) Make sure to save your options. Yahoo! will then refresh (so make sure you're not in the middle of writing a message) and voila--your preview panel should be back!

If you'll indulge me for a second, I'm just going to throw a few key words and phrases at the bottom of the post for those people who are doing a search for this issue.

Keywords: Yahoo! mail beta, missing preview button, preview window disappeared, yahoo preview gone.

Hu's On First?

I can't help it--every time I read about the visit by Chinese President Hu Jintao, I keep imagining some sort of hilarious misunderstanding at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Biden: Hey, Boss. I heard we’re getting a visit from the Chinese president.

Obama: That’s right, Joe.

Biden: Who is the Chinese President?

Obama: That’s right.

Biden: What’s right?

Obama: Hu.

Biden: That’s what I wanna know. Who’s the president of China?

Obama: He is.

Biden: Who is?

Obama: Hu.

Biden: Okay, look—the Chinese president gives national addresses, right?

Obama: That’s right.

Biden: So when it’s time for a national address, who gives the speech?

Obama: Every word of it.

Biden: Who does?

Obama: That’s right.

Biden: What’s right?

Obama: Hu.

Biden: THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING YOU!!!

Frank Drebin, RIP.

The world is now a less funny place.

My Travel Policy

If you touch my junk, I'm gonna have you arrested. No, wait...not "arrested." Sorry. I meant "rewarded."

It's All Greek To Me

Followers of a religion have a right to build a church anywhere they want.
Rebuilding, apparently, is a different story.

"former Gov. George E. Pataki and a Greek-American Congressional candidate...make their case: Government officials who appear to be clearing the way for the center, which includes a mosque, are blocking the reconstruction of St. Nicholas Church, the only house of worship destroyed in the terrorist attacks."

It's Orthodox Greekaphobia!!

The Party of No...Coverage, That Is.

Can we please dispense with the idea that the Republicans have no ideas for the economy? Please?

Why has this not been getting press? Ryan is one of the smartest guys on the hill.

Where's Michael Moore When You Need Him?

Remember when President Bush got roundly criticized for golfing instead of running the country?

The Telegraph does.

Mr Obama's Sunday golf game prompted anger in Poland, where the Warsaw Business Post carried a headline reading: "Obama goes golfing instead of attending Kaczynskis' funeral".

Yeah, That's RIght...Screw You AND Bullwinkle!

Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts

Fuck Off, Switzerland

I mean, why bother extraditing a rapist? It's not like he was a danger, you know? I mean, she wanted it, and besides, she set him up for the money. And I'm sure if we ask two of his other victims, they'd say the same thing.

Latest Polanski Accuser: 'I Was Raped Repeatedly'

...or maybe not.

Channeling Mandy Patinkin

"They keep on using that word. I do no think it means what they think it means."

Transparency: noun; the condition of being transparent.
Transparent: adj; open to public scrutiny.

Yippie-Kay-Ay, Perfumesniffer!

Just in case you wondered what "badass" smells like... (hopefully not like bad ass.)

"Bruce Willis cologne: when you want to blow shit up, but smell good doing it."

Healing Hands of Time, My Ass

Two things I've learned from this: 1) Will Smith
apparently never ages, possibly because of a portrait hidden in his
attic, and 2) Matt Dillon was once a lovely young lady.

35 Teen Idols Then and Now

An Inconvenient Masseuse?

Looks like there's something else he should have kept in a lockbox.

Granted, it's the Enquirer, but they've been pretty good with this sort of thing.

No Rants. No Funny.

My good friend Ken Wheaton is running in a half-marathon to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives. Please help him raise money for this excellent cause! You can donate any amount, and I'm sure he'll be appreciative for even a $5 donation. You can read more (and donate) at his Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training page.

LOST and Confused

I think my feelings about the series finale of "LOST" would be best expressed through interpretive dance...no, wait. Not interpretive dance. That would require kicking myself in the nuts several times. The second best expression would be through a new theme song. Like one of those ones from the 60s and 70s, where you had to explain the concept in the song itself. So here it is. You all know the tune.

Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip.

That started from Australia

Aboard this flying ship.

Hugo was a mighty wealthy man,

The doctor brave and fair.

Six passengers took flight that day

On Oceanic Air. On Oceanic Air.

The sky was getting turbulent;

The plane was torn in two.

The pilot died from injuries,

And Kate’s armed escort, too. And Kate’s armed escort, too.

The plane touched down on the beach of an uncharted tropic isle.

With Doctor Jack

And Sawyer too

The crippled guy and his chair.

The pregnant girl,

Polar bears, black smoke too

What will these characters do?

So join us here each week my friends,

You’re sure to feel abused,

If nothing is explained on LOST

The viewer just gets used.

Go Figure

Should I be surprised that a President without any previous executive experience would pick a nominee without any judicial experience for the Supreme Court?

Mmmmm.....Pie

Well, I'm glad to see that the AP is going after those hard-hitting Obama stories:


White House adviser spills secret: Obama loves pie!

Also, I'm sure, back rubs, kittens, and long walks in the rain.

If They Had Only Read It First

Well, as Nancy Pelosi said, they passed it so we could see what's in it. From the Washington Examiner: Five things we learned about Obamacare after it passed. Check out this gem:

Despite all of Obama's promises and talking points, Obamacare as passed by Congress does not require insurers to cover children with expensive pre-existing medical conditions.

I'd Fly A Mile (High) For A Camel

I'm sure you've all heard about the Qatari diplomat who was caught smoking on a commercial flight and then joked that he was trying to light his shoes, a reference to Richard Reid, the "shoe bomber."

It seems there was a rumor that the diplomat had (or said he had) a particularly pungent bowel movement and was just lighting a match to get rid of the smell. I find this really hard to believe, as every diplomat I've ever met firmly believes his shit don't stink.

Really?

So, according to an Easter Rasmussen poll, 99% of Evangelicals, 92% of Catholics, and 88% of other protestants believe Jesus is the son of God. Here's a little news flash for the other 1%/8%/12%:

If you don't believe Jesus is the son of God, then you ain't Evangelical/Catholic/other protestant. That's just the way it works. Believing in the divinity of Jesus Christ is the core belief of Christianity. That's why they call it "Christianity" and not "Random Beliefism." Oh, sure. I hear what you're saying. You go to church every week and say your prayers. But honestly? If you're going to church once a week and talking to a god you don't believe is actually there? You're just a socialite with a mental condition.

No No No No No!!!

Just saw a Dodge commercial with the line "and oh yeah--it literally gave birth to all other minivans."

If I have to explain to you why this is so wrong, you won't care that it is.

It's All In The Slogan

Toyota: There's No Stopping Us!!

Best Headline Of The Week

Man sues airline for not looking at his scrotum

I wasn't even aware that was an option. Let's just say that I could have been a very rich man.

(Apparently, airports have all these "rules" about having to actually be traveling somewhere to get a strip search.)

Fuck You, Academy

This is why I hate the Oscars. I'm watching the DVR of last night's events and I notice that they failed to include Farrah Fawcett in their "In Memoriam" section of the show. I figured it had to be some oversight on their part, but no--I do a quick search and find out that not only am I apparently the last person to notice this, the Academy has claimed it's NOT an oversight, saying “unfortunately we don’t include everyone.” They saw their way clear to include Michael Jackson, though. Apparently, his performance in The Wiz, alongside Nipsy Russel, was enough of a film credit to qualify him. And I'm sure that's what everyone thinks of when they hear his name. "Michael Jackson? Isn't he the guy that played Scarecrow in that delightful Broadway version of The Wizard of Oz?" I just can't fathom why they would leave her out. I have seen some people speculate that she was a "television actress" and therefore shouldn't have been included. Again, I would point out Jackson's inclusion, but I would also mention that not only was she a member of the Academy for 40 years*, but she starred in such critically acclaimed films as Extremities and The Apostle, for which she was nominated for a Golden Globe and Independent Spirit Award, respectively. She most definitely should have been included, and frankly, this just adds insult to injury, as I feel her passing was all but forgotten when Jackson died the same day.

Fuck you, Academy. Fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou.

* Unlike, apparently, Sean Penn, who was invited to join in 2004, but according to his own rambling, incoherent narrative last night never became an "official" member. I'm pretty sure that anything other than an "official" member means "not a member." At least that's what they told me when I tried to justify hanging around the girls' swim team locker room by calling myself a member of the team.

Welcome to the Family, Little X-1

The wife of one of my friends is a MA liberal. She writes about how Obamacare will save the world, end war, and provide blow jobs for the homeless...or something like that. To be honest, I don't read all that closely. But I did notice in one of her recent diatribes, she came out with this gem:

I have three kids, and bring them to the doctor A LOT. At more than $160 per sick visit, that is too steep for me w/out medical insurance.

Now I like my friend, and although I don't know his wife all that well, she seems like a nice enough person. After reading this, however, my first thought was "if you're complaining about the medical costs for three children, then maybe, just maybe...YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THREE FUCKING KIDS!" I can't tell you how irritating I find this kind of person. The "it's my choice what to do with my life and my body and don't you try to tell me how to live my life" people who then want the government to assist them when they are in over their heads. (And since governments don't create wealth so much as they distribute it through our taxes, guess where that assistance is really coming from.) This shouldn't come as a surprise to any adult: having children costs money. Especially if you want to take them to the doctor, instead of a good home leeching or mustard plaster. Children are little people; they are not accessories or status symbols. They get sick. They need medication and shots. They even occasionally bump into things or fall and break bones. If you're not aware of that, you shouldn't be having children. And if you can't afford to take the proper care, you shouldn't be having them. Or instead of having X number of children, perhaps have X-1.

Look, I firmly believe that everyone should be able to have as many children as they want to....IF they can pay for them. But somebody tell me why on Earth I and others like me, who live responsibly and within our means, should be taxed for programs such as government health care because you didn't take into account your kids' stomach flu. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck paying child support for a kid I didn't even have. I'm getting screwed, and I'm not even getting screwed.

I have nothing against kids. But you, you people with your broods of five or six or more that you can't afford? You are no better than those people who took out mortgages for houses they couldn't afford, and contributed to the economic fiasco that followed.

I know one couple, friends of mine, who are trying to decide between having children or buying a house. They realize that even though they both make fairly decent incomes, they can't afford both right now. Good for them.

Call me a dick if you want to, but just remember: I'm not the one who's doing anything that's going to increase your taxes to pay for my lifestyle choices.

Promises, Promises

Here's some "hope and change" for you, as in "I HOPE no one remembers I promised this, now that I've CHANGED my mind."

Hat tip to Scott Baio. Yes, THAT Scott Baio.

And One More For Luck

I've already added 50 films to my "best of the decade" list, but I wish I'd seen this one before I did, as it surely would have held a place on the list. Flame and Citron is a beautifully shot and acted film. Thinking back over it, I can't seem to find a misstep anywhere. The two leads, Thure Lindhardt and Mads Mikkelsen, were just mesmerizing. Lindhardt's IMDB page says he is known in his native Denmark as "the Man With a Thousand Faces" because he so completely disappears into widely disparate roles. I can believe it. I was blown away by the performances of both men. If you have a chance, check this gem of a film out. It's what Valkyrie and Inglorious Basterds could have been.

The "Best" And "Worst" Films Of The Decade

Yeah, I know--everyone's making these lists. So why should you give a shit about mine? I honestly don't know. I don't know if anyone even reads this thing anymore, but I took the time to sit down and make the list, so I'm damn sure going to include it here.

A couple of points:

• I have "best" and "worst" in quotes because I'm not really maintaining these are the best or worst films of the decade. The best list should rightly be called "my favorites." For example, I'm sure there have been any number of great films over the last decade that I haven't seen. I could probably name them, but I'm not including them. And the worst list is even more vaguely defined. Here, I've included not only "bad" films, but films that I thought were vastly overrated. (Some of them are on a lot of "best of the decade" lists!) As with the other extreme, I'm sure that there were some really terrible films out there, but I wasn't stupid enough to waste my time with them. Let me repeat: these are only movies I have seen.
  
• I didn't run the numbers, but it feels like I have a lot of recent ones. Even though I hate lists that do that, I can't help it--it's tough to think of the older films.
• The list is alphabetical*
  
• I know...the list isn't complete. I just thought I'd put it up here until I finished.
  

The Best:

1. Amelie(2001)
2. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy(2004)
   
3. Apocalypto(2006)
   
4. Batman Begins(2005)
5. Black Hawk Down(2001)
   
6. The Bourne Identity(2002)
7. Brick(2005)
   
8. Casino Royale(2006)
9. The Dark Knight(2008)
   
10. The Descent(2005)
11. District B13(2004)
    
12. Elf(2003)
    
13. The Fall(2006) 
14. Finding Nemo(2003)
15. The Gift(2000)
    
16. Gone Baby Gone(2007)
    
17. Gran Torino(2008)
18. Grizzly Man(2005)
19. Iron Man(2008)
20. Joy Ride(2001)
    
21. King Kong(2005) 
22. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters(2007)
    
23. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang(2005)
24. The Last Samurai(2003)
25. Let the Right One In(2008)
    
26. The Lord of the Rings trilogy(2001/2002/2003)
27. The Magdeline Sisters(2002)
    
28. Man on Wire(2008)
    
29. Memento(2000)
30. Oldboy(2003)
31. The Reader(2008)
    
32. Requiem for a Dream(2000)
33. Shaun of the Dead(2004)
    
34. Sin City(2005)
35. Sin Nombre(2009)
36. Spartan(2004)
    
37. Spider-Man(2002)
38. Sunshine(2007)
    
39. Tae Guk Gi(2004)
40. Taken(2008)
41. Things We Lost in the Fire(2007)
42. Towelhead(2007)
    
43. Unbreakable(2000)
    
44. Unleashed(2005)
45. Venus(2006)
    
46. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit(2005)
    
47. Watchmen(2007)
    
48. Whale Rider(2002)
49. The World's Fastest Indian(2005)
    
50. The Wrestler(2008)

The Worst:

1. The Departed(2006)*
2. Kill Bill, volumes 1&2(2003/2004)*
3. Slumdog Millionaire(2008)*
4. 88 Minutes(2008)
   
5. Basic Instinct 2(2006)
6. A Beautiful Mind(2001)
   
7. Borat(2006) 
8. Catwoman(2004)
   
9. Click(2007)
   
10. Cloverfield(2008)
    
11. Crash(2004) 
12. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon(2000)
    
13. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button(2008)
    
14. Dawn of the Dead(2004)
    
15. The Day After Tomorrow(2004)
16. Death-Proof(2007)
17. The Devil's Rejects(2005)
    
18. Disaster Movie(2008)
    
19. Fahrenheit 9/11(2004)
20. Freddy vs. Jason(2003)
21. Friday the 13th(2009)
    
22. Halloween(2007)
23. Halloween II(2009)
    
24. High Fidelity(2000)
    
25. Hostel, Part II(2007)
    
26. I Know Who Killed Me(2007)
27. Inglorious Basterds(2009)
28. Knowing(2009)
29. My Bloody Valentine(2009)
    
30. Nature's Grave(2008)
    
31. One Missed Call(2008)
    
32. Planet of the Apes(2000)
33. Prom Night(2008)
    
34. Righteous Kill(2008)
    
35. Rollerball(2002)
36. The Room(2003)
    
37. Signs(2001)
38. Sleuth(2007)
    
39. Snakes on a Plane(2006)
40. The Spirit
    
41. Superman Returns(2006)
42. Train(2008)
    
43. The Wicker Man(2006)

* You probably noticed that the first three "worst" films are out of alphabetical order. That's because those three boggle my mind. Two of them were Oscar winners. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. They weren't terrible films, but I wouldn't even have put any of them in the top 10 for their respective years. I know people disagree over matters of taste, but I look at those films and I truly can't understand how anyone could possibly put those in a "best of" list. They're not terrible films. I just find them to be...mediocre, at best. The Departed, despite having a slew of great actors, was acted amazingly poorly, the bad accents made me wince (yeah, I'm talking to you, Sheen), and the plot was illogical and full of huge holes. Kill Bill is yet another mishmash of "stuff that Quentin thinks is cool," and I really resent that it was split into two films because a) it didn't need to be, and b)of course it was about the money. Get an editor, Quentin. That said, the second installment was much better. Slumdog is the one I am least offended by, but still...it's so caught up in its gimmick that you can never really become interested in the characters. Forget about the fact that we know the main character survives from the beginning, which tends to reduce any sense of suspense or danger we might feel. What really bothered me is that every time I started getting interested in the characters, the film jumped to a different time. To be honest, I would have rather watched a complete two-hour film about any of the various incarnations of the characters (like the young boy looking to meet his hero). I wanted a film that fully developed the characters. Instead, I feel like I got a bunch of different characters that I never really got to know, and consequently never cared about.

No Takebacks!!

Of all the things that have arisen about the mysterious Obamacare bill, this one seems, to me, to be the one that should get trumpeted from the rooftops. How is this Constitutional??

Buried in the amendment is a bombshell; there will be no way to amend parts of Obamacare. Apparently, Reid wants to make this bill something like a royal decree where no one can change what has already been wrought.
....
Get that? No repeal, no amendments, no nothing. That part of Obamacare is as set in stone as the idea that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It is unalterable - which, of course, means the entire bill is off limits

Now, if I understand the issue (and it's entirely possible that I don't), the problem is that since an amendment in the bill changes Senate rules (which normally require a 2/3 vote), the entire bill should also require a 2/3 vote, rather than the 3/5 (60 votes) which it normally would require (and which it got). Anybody know for sure?

Caption This!

"Uh, baby? Why is Kanye reachin' for Taylor Swift's microphone?"

Pic by damncoolpics

Today's Photo Quiz

Is this an Olsen Twin, or did Ozzy Osbourne get some work done?

Pic from damncoolpics

It's Like The Picture of Dorian Gray, But In Reverse

Bethenny Frankel ("The Real Housewives of New Jersey") stands next to a large poster of her naked PETA ad, in which the "real" housewife isn't looking so real.

I can only imagine that she forgot the proper punctuation in her written response to PETA's inquiry as to whether or not she wanted the photo altered and "Photoshop? My ass!" became "Photoshop my ass!"

Three-Card Barry

So the Obama administration is going to close Guantanamo Bay...and move detainees inside the U.S., to a maximum-security converted prison in Illinois? And the justification appears to be that it will

"[help] our troops by removing a deadly recruiting tool from the hands of al-Qaeda..."

First of all, that's like saying you switched from a red Hummer to a blue one to cut down on carbon emissions. The animosity of al-Qaeda isn't tied to the place, Numbnuts. It's not like the jihadists are sitting around, saying "Damn that balmy weather in Gitmo! If only we could force the Americans to move our brothers to a place where the winter winds will chill them to the bone!" Their hatred goes much deeper, and playing a glorified shell game with the detainees is not going to change that. All Obama, et. al have done is surround them with civilians. It's a good thing terrorists don't ever try to maximize collateral damage by attacking civil...oh, wait. That's right...THAT'S ALL THEY DO!!! All the talk about "maximum security" is bullshit. No one is afraid of them escaping. What we should be afraid of is that a giant bullseye has just been painted on an entire community.

And let's not pretend that this is anything other than political posturing, anyway. This just allows President Obama to claim he fulfilled at least one of his promises: that of closing Gitmo. When, in fact, he's done nothing but make the situation many times worse.

UPDATE: Ugh! Just saw a reporter, when talking about the detainees, use the phrase "looking for a new home." What the fuck are they? Orphans? Puppies?

Welcome Virginia!

I just noticed a new follower. Welcome, Virginia! Considering the season, I thought about making a "Yes, Virginia" joke as a welcome, but then I also thought I'd like Virginia to hang around for a while. There's been a dearth of posts lately, but I'm going to try to do better.

Pot. Kettle. You Know The Deal

I am so tired of reading comments at...well, any number of various websites. It discourages me. It makes me fear for the future. I especially hate the ones that are incredibly hypocritical (and they exist on both sides of the political aisle). You know, the ones that read something like this:

U teabaagers R so stoopid don't U no that BushHitler is evil. Y do U hat poor people. Dum REDnecks!!!!

It's like I need a secret "idiot decoder ring" just to figure out what is being said. I believe wholeheartedly in free speech, but I also feel not every brain fart deserves a platform. I don't post every single thought that enters my head here, and when I do post here or elsewhere, I do my best to make the posts both thoughtful and literate.

Best. Headline. Ever.

And possibly my newest pick-up line:

Small Hairy Balls Hide Foul-Tasting Healthful Enzymes

Well, That Answers THAT Question

1. Mull it over for a few months.
2. Start sending troops in 2010, which will take half to three-quarters of a year to get to promised levels.
3. Pull troops by 2011

And here I had been wondering what the presidential equivalent of voting "present" was.

Anyone see Cool Hand Luke? The scene where Luke digs and fills in holes? "Fillin' it in, Boss." This reminds me of that.

I Believe I've Said That Already

The news is out: Will Ferrell is Hollywood's most overpaid star, according to Forbes magazine. Of course, if you read this blog, you knew that way back in September. How's that video lookin' now?

But What About His Balls?

Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez and his wife are the latest to pose nude for PETA's "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign.

"The couple have jumped on the campaign bandwagon to showcase the mistreatment of animals and bring greater awareness to what they see as the grave error many people are making when they purchase and don clothing made of animal skins."

So...wearing animal skins=bad, but making millions catching balls covered with animal skins=good.

Yet Another List That Frustrates Me

So, PasteMagazine.com has a post up with their choices for the "50 Best Movies of the Decade." If you know me, you know that I generally hate these types of lists. I knew I was going to hate this one when I saw The Departed and Kill Bill 1&2 on there. I didn't think The Departed was the best picture of the year when it won, and I sure don't think it's in the top 50 of the decade. There were a few nice choices in there (Whale Rider, Memento, Amelie), and a few "really?" choices (Juno, which--only two years later--already seems tired, and High Fidelity), but overall, the choices struck me as a bit pretentious. There were a couple fairly obvious "mainstream" films listed, such as the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Dark Knight, but many of the films picked seemed designed to show off the authors' "hipness." I'm reminded of the "game show" episode from "Friends":

Ross: Rachel claims this is her favorite movie.
Chandler: Dangerous Liasons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie?
Joey: Weekend at Bernies.
Ross: Correct.


I'm not saying that they're necessarily bad films*, but I thought there were some better choices out there. I'm thinking about making my own list of the best 50 of the decade, so feel free to send me your suggestions in the comments section.

*except for The Departed and Kill Bill. And fair disclosure--I haven't seen every film on the list.

If It's A Health CARE Bill, Then Why Do I Feel So Sick About It?

So the health care bill has passed in the house. It was a "historic" vote insomuch as it may be remembered as the beginning of the end, and it was "bipartisan" insomuch as they got one Republican vote, from Louisiana's Representative Anh "Joseph" Cao, which isn't all that surprising given his past history, and the fact that he gave President Obama a grade of "A" for his first 100 days in office. I blame Wheaton for this.

If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Cuba

Sean Penn goes to Cuba to talk to Castro for vanity. Someone said it was for Vanity Fair, but knowing Penn, I'm pretty sure that must be a misprint.

A Must-Read Interview

Krauthammer on Obama for Der Speigel online.

Hat tip to Patriot Room