"And Rather Has The E-mails To Prove It!"

This just in from the fake television listings:

Tune in to MSNBC all this month for our special on the 50th anniversary of the JFK assassination, "November 22, 1963: Does Anyone Know Where George W. Bush Was?" Hosted by Dan Rather.

Movin' On Up

To that deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP to a wonderful actor, who made one of the grouchiest men on television loveable--Sherman Hemsley.

The Ratings Aren't As "Firm" As We'd Like

You mean NBC came in eighth place with a series based on a twenty-year-old novel (that was mediocre to begin with)?? Well, color me surprised!

Goodbye, Charlie

So after five years, "Chuck" has come to a close. It's been one of my favorite shows over those five years, and yes, I even own all available seasons on DVD. As sad as I am that it's over, I'm very happy that--unlike so many shows these days--they got to bring it to a proper conclusion. And what a conclusion. I never really realized just how much these characters had gotten inside me. Yes, it's a light-hearted action-comedy, but at its core it was a love story, and that's what made it so much fun to watch. I kept watching the clock, worried about how much time was left, and thinking that I didn't want these characters to go away. I think that's the best compliment I can pay to the cast. They all did an amazing job, and I'm looking forward to their next respective projects.

So Chuck, Sarah, Casey, Morgan, Ellie, Awesome, and all the rest, thanks for a great five years. We'll miss you.

Touched By An Angel. (Hey, Shut Up! A Guy Can Dream, Can't He?)

I don't have high hopes for the new version of "Charlie's Angels." Let's face it--despite being the driving force behind my transition into puberty, the original wasn't exactly "Masterpiece Theater." But since I would watch Minka Kelly read from the phone book for an hour, you can bet your sweet speakerphone I'll be tuning in.

In fact, the only thing that would make me miss the season opener of "Charlie's Angels" would be that "24-hour Eva Mendes rope skipping" channel I've been working on.

Now start with the "A"s...and speak verrry slooowly

LOST and Confused

I think my feelings about the series finale of "LOST" would be best expressed through interpretive dance...no, wait. Not interpretive dance. That would require kicking myself in the nuts several times. The second best expression would be through a new theme song. Like one of those ones from the 60s and 70s, where you had to explain the concept in the song itself. So here it is. You all know the tune.

Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip.

That started from Australia

Aboard this flying ship.

Hugo was a mighty wealthy man,

The doctor brave and fair.

Six passengers took flight that day

On Oceanic Air. On Oceanic Air.

The sky was getting turbulent;

The plane was torn in two.

The pilot died from injuries,

And Kate’s armed escort, too. And Kate’s armed escort, too.

The plane touched down on the beach of an uncharted tropic isle.

With Doctor Jack

And Sawyer too

The crippled guy and his chair.

The pregnant girl,

Polar bears, black smoke too

What will these characters do?

So join us here each week my friends,

You’re sure to feel abused,

If nothing is explained on LOST

The viewer just gets used.

Fact Checking SNL

For the record, Barack Obama does not turn into "The Rock Obama" when he gets angry. Thought I'd save Wolf Blitzer some time.

Two And A Half Men Met My Mother

I don't watch the awards shows much anymore. I saw a few minutes of the Emmys, but that's all. Now that all the stories and results are coming out, I just have to say:

1) Neil Patrick Harris loses to Jon Cryer? That alone is enough to make me glad I didn't watch. I don't quite get the "Two and a Half Men" thing. It's funny enough, I guess, but it's got to be the worst "best" show ever.

2) I'd rather watch several hours of Olivia Wilde in that dress. (Did I mention that pictures came out with those stories and results?)

A Laugh For Friday

Go West...No, Seriously....Go!

I have to admit that I stopped watching MTV when they stopped playing music videos. I did watch Kanye West's utter idiocy on YouTube, though. He's never really impressed me, as a musical artist or a human being, but that little tantrum (obviously) hit a new low.

One thing I can't fathom is how can he think that Beyonce's video is "one of the best videos of all time." We are talking about a video that is nothing but her and two backup dancers doing the same dance moves that they do in live performances.(which, frankly, don't seem all that impressive to me. That punching part looks like the dance that Beavis & Butthead do.)  Let me say that again: it's essentially a video of her live performance. If you brought a video camera to a Beyonce performance, you, too, could make this video. Not only is it not "one of the best videos of all time," that kind of thing was already dull when MTV began all those years ago. I know. I was there. Seriously, how did she get nominated in the first place? There's very little that's innovative or creative in terms of the video.

I'll bet you can think of a bunch of videos that kick that video's ass. If so, throw 'em in the comments. Here's some off the top of my head:
Sledgehammer--Peter Gabriel
Thriller--Michael Jackson
Sabotage--Beastie Boys
Toe Jam--The BPA (featuring David Byrne & Dizzee Rascal)
Fell in Love with a Girl--The White Stripes
Take on Me--A-Ha

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch the "Toe Jam" video, and possibly Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice."

P.S. I know "Weapon of Choice" is a "dancing" video, but at least there's background scenery. Plus, it's Christopher Walken. Dancing. In an empty hotel.

Curse You, Lorne Michaels!!!

So...it appears that Casey Wilson (and Michaela Watkins) have gotten the Saturday Night Live hook. As some of you readers may know, I have a bit of a thing for Casey Wilson. Well..."bit of a thing/unhealthy obsession," "poTAYto/poTAHto." But it's totally in a non-stalkery way. (Although Casey, if you read this, and you're in the market for a stalker, I have some evenings free, and my own car and binoculars...call me.)

I'm a little upset by it all. I know Casey gets slammed in internet comments (there's a great video of her reading said comments out there), but I always looked forward to every sketch she was in. What do I have to look forward to now? Huh? Tell me that, Lorne Michaels...TELL ME THAT! Yet another sketch where Kristin Wiig acts weird and twitchy? I think not. Darrell Hammond doing some sort of impression? Okay, some of those are kind of funny...but NO!

You have cut me, Sir. Cut me to the quick. And I'm not sure that an SNL without Casey Wilson is an SNL that I particularly want to watch. And I even watched the Robin Duke/Tim Kazurinsky years.

Have you no shame, Sir?

What's Wrong With Us?

Don't get me wrong, I feel for Michael Jackson's family and friends, and I wouldn't deny his impact on popular music. But it's been over 24 hours of non-stop Jacko news (literally) on some news stations. On my local station, they even featured an interview--I'm not making this up--with someone who once went to one of his concerts.

It really disturbs me that most of the people I've talked to have no idea what I'm talking about when I tell them about a young girl dubbed Neda who was shot down in the streets of Iran while demonstrating for the right of suffrage. And yet, within minutes of Jackson's death Twitter and Facebook and television media were rife with information about it, and have been at it non-stop for over a day.

In a better world, we would all be overwhelmed by news coverage of Neda's murder. Scratch that. In a better world, Neda would still be alive.

You Got To Please Yourself

Speaking of Saturday Night Live, I was telling someone about this sketch the other day, so I thought I'd embed it here.

Now THAT'S The Way To End A Season!

The best episode of SNL I've seen in a long time. Will Ferrell is much too funny to be entirely human. My old friend, celebrity "Jeopardy"nearly made me spit liquid across the room, and the "Goodnight Saigon" skit (see below) was awesome. Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, it did. Cameo after Cameo. Plus, Casey Wilson in a black dress--be still my heart! I'm telling you, I didn't even mind the crappy funeral sketch, or that fact that SNL (once again) apparently couldn't find anything funny about the current administration (c'mon you guys--no Pelosi?), yet managed to still make jokes about people who have been out of office for four months. Oh, hey--I've got a couple of jokes about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act of 1930. If I dust them off, do you guys want them?

I Swear...

...if they cancel "Chuck," I'm taking a road trip to NBC and kicking somebody's ass.

Oscar? I Barely Know Her!

As I've already said, I'm not watching the Oscars this evening. I so rarely agree with the winners these days that it would just be an exercise in frustration. I've tried to watch all of the films with any kind of buzz around them, and got through all but The Reader. I had planned on writing a long diatribe about my picks for the major categories, but this morning my motherboard crapped out on me.

Since I'm borrowing time (and a computer) to write this, I'll have to make it brief:

I really hope that Mickey Rourke wins for The Wrestler. Not only was that the best performance, I think it was the best picture, even though it wasn't nominated. I'm one of the few people who aren't rooting for Slumdog Millionaire. Not only do I not think it was the best film of the year, I wouldn't have even nominated it. Hell, I don't think I would even put it in my top ten of the year. I honestly can't understand the push for this movie to win. (Of course, I couldn't understand The Departed winning either. I still think it's one of the worst films ever to win.) The characters are barely developed, the acting isn't that good (you'll notice none of them are nominated), the score quickly becomes irritating, and the direction--more specifically, the camerawork--is so "in-your-face" and obvious that it obscures what, at times, is an interesting story. And speaking of the story, I also felt that it couldn't decide what kind of film it wanted to be. If any of my students had turned in something like that, I would have called it "unfocused."

Don't get me wrong: It's not a bad little film. I just don't think it ranks up there with the others. I would gladly have replaced it with Gran Torino if I could. I never felt a connection, a care, or even a worry about the characters in Slumdog. Every time I thought I might, they moved on to some other aspect of the film. The Wrestler, Gran Torino, and many of the other nominees? I got into the characters; I felt moved by the stories. One of the ways I judge a film is how often I look at my watch, or how quickly (or not) the time flies by. I've had three hour films (such as The Shawshank Redemption) that seemed over before I knew it, and eighty minute films that seemed interminable. I checked my watch more than a little while watching Slumdog.

And I don't have anything against foreign films, or films with socio-political undertones, as anyone who knows me will attest. I thought The Visitor was a better film than Slumdog. (And even though I want the Mickster to win, I won't shed a tear if Richard Jenkins wins--he was great.)

Well, the ceremony is almost here, and I'm certain later tonight, or tomorrow, when I hear the winners, I'll be disappointed, but not that disappointed, as I've come to expect so little from the Academy.

There's always next year...

What's Next? The Knights Who Say "Nike"?

So I just watched that Gatorade commercial that references Monty Python & The Holy Grail, and I can't help wondering if they've missed their target audience ever so slightly...

And then I saw a Burger King commercial where a couple of nerdy guys unveil mini burgers, which draw a crowd of hands-on, attractive ladies who "just want to squeeze them." Bravo, BK...Bravo.

SNL 2-7-09

Opener: even the audience didn't laugh at that one. Also, small point, but haven't the Democrats had a majority for the last two of those last eight years?

Monologue: Who the fuck is Bradley Cooper? Seriously. This is the first time EVER that I have not known the host of SNL. EVER!

Today Show: Didn't like this bit the last time they did it. This one was no better. The real versions are more irritating, and so it's tough to make fun of them by trying to be irritating.

"I'm Gonna Have Sex With Your Wife": Yet another SNL skit that relies on one joke that goes on too long. On another note....I don't want any more sketches with Casey Wilson having pretend sex with the host. (See last week's Steve Martin cast orgy sketch)

Digital Short (Boat Ride): The highlight so far, but only because the rest has been so bad.

Four Guys & A Song: Not crazy about the choice of song, but this is always one of my favorite setups. Paul Rudd and his cell phone set the bar pretty high, but this one wasn't too bad.

TV on the Radio 1: Not really all that familiar with them, so I can't really compare the live/studio work, but I dig the music. The singing wasn't anything to write home about. Fans, is that normal for them?

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi joke...nice. The Phelps/Spitz bit gave me the first laugh out loud moments of the night. I like Seth's delivery, but I miss Amy. Especially with "Really?" (which was pretty hilarious AND insightful. Kellogg's sucks). Bjork? What does it say when Bjork is actually the most stable character Kristin Wiig's played in a while? On another side note, if life had sound effects, I've always thought "bjork" would be the sound an erection would make.

And Lorne Michaels, don't think I haven't noticed that we're more than halfway through with only ONE Casey Wilson sketch. I'm keeping my eye on you.

Locker Room: Sketch-wise, I'm beginning to think that SNL saves up all the suck to give it to the relatively unknown host. At least it was short.

Bad Guys & Good Conversation: I want to love any sketch that has Hans Gruber AND Jame Gumb. Of course, I should point out that none of these villains are from movies in the last 18 years. That may have killed the sketch a little. If not for Hader's Gumb, this one would have been a train wreck.

Intervention: Dear God...finally, another Casey sketch, and this is what we get? Can't they give her another paralyzed stripper sketch or something?

TV On The Radio 2: Best of the two performances, but still...music awesome, singing not awesome.

Christian Bale: Not a bad Bale. I'd rather go back and listen to the real thing, though. That's half the trouble with SNL: they find something already funny or something that everyone in the civilized world is already making fun of (and most of them doing it better) and then try to improve on the comedy. Thank god this is almost over. I'm so tired, I'm not even sure this post is going to make any sense.

Baldwin's on next week. Don't know if it's new or not, but even his repeats are better than this steaming pile of show.

Oh, Enough Already!!

What is it about Sarah Palin that bring out the assholishness in people? I used to find Andrew Sullivan interesting to read. Now he just seems petty and a little pathetic. Especially when he can't find anything else to write about other than whether or not Sarah Palin was lying about how she named her daughter Bristol.

First, I have to say: who gives a shit? Pssst....the election's over.

Second, although he's big enough to correct himself with an update, he just can't let it go, adding a second update saying "on the other hand, many readers have written to say that Palin was highly unlikely to have known of ESPN in high school. It was only founded in 1979 and became widely known only in 1982." Really? That's the best you can do? Well, seing as Palin was still in high school in 1982, I'm not sure what that's supposed to prove. In addition, it wouldn't surprise me that someone who was interested in sports broadcasting (in fact, Palin eventually got her bachelor's in communication) might just know about a 24-hour sports broadcasting network. But that's just me. I think "highly unlikey" is a huge stretch, and either a show of bias or a lame attempt to save face. I don't find it unlikely that a graduating student interested in profiling for the FBI might know about Quantico and the Behavioral Sciences Unit, even before CSI became "widely known." I don't find it unlikely that a student interested in the historical Jesus might have read a few books on the subject, even before The DaVinci Code became "widely known." And I don't find it unlikely--especially not "highly"--that a student interested in sports and broadcasting would know a little something about ESPN before it became "widely known." Frankly, it sounds like Palin did more research coming up with her daughter's name than Sullivan did for his post.

Yeah, I said it.

It's Always Something...

So there are a lot of posts out there using still photos of the Santonio Holmes catch to somehow "prove" that he never got both feet down. Using a still photo to argue that Holmes never got both feet down is like using a photo of Fitzgerald at the ten-yard line to argue that he never reached the end zone. The truth is, you could have a thousand photos of his feet not touching and it still wouldn't prove anything. Yet all it would take is one photo with both feet down to prove he did make the catch.

So shut yer traps.

Photo from Robert Deutsch/USA Today. Click on the photo for larger, in-your-face-Cardinals-fans version.