"No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To....Ow, That Smarts!"

I'm sure someone has pointed this out already, but doesn't Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford look like Chris Farley and Auric Goldfinger had a kid?

Plus

Equals

Immortal, Schmimortal...Wait, Or Is It "Imschmortal"?

This, from Gawker:

"Gabby Williams is eight years old, but looks like a newborn. She is one of only a handful of people across the world who age at an incredibly slow rate, and scientists are trying to figure out why. Once they do, the discovery could help fight Alzheimer's, and even give us an aging 'off switch,' which would give humans the chance to stay the same age... pretty much forever."

Apparently, you scientists have never seen a '70s Sci-fi movie. Stopping the aging process is just one of those things you shouldn't do because it's never going to end well. You know, like making apes super smart, or making machines super smart, or making Kardashians super smart.

Movin' On Up

To that deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP to a wonderful actor, who made one of the grouchiest men on television loveable--Sherman Hemsley.

She Haas Me At @ihaas

Okay, I'll admit it--I'm completely smitten with Ingrid Haas. You might know her from the cross-country ATT commercial (see below), which is now my favorite commercial...although I generally hate them, so being my favorite isn't all that hard, I guess. Anyway, she has a new, improved look on her website, so check it out. But beware--those dimples are like black holes. You may never leave.


You can also follow her on Twitter at @ihass (which accounts for my tortured movie reference of a headline).

The More, The Maher-ier

I've noticed that after four years, my number one page in terms of hits is still the one asking when did Bill Maher become such an asshole? Apparently he really pisses people off. Although I can't speak for the masses, I can tell you why he pisses me off. It's not just that he's gotten much less funny and much more bitter over the years. It's not that much of the time he's just flat-out wrong with the "facts" he spews. It's that when he does shoot his mouth off, most of the time without any kind of support, he's so damn smug about it. And since he's usually doing it in a monologue, there really isn't anyone there to challenge him. So he has all the righteous condescension of the gold medalist in a one-person race. But hey, I support his First Amendment right to lie his ass off, but I also support my First Amendment right to call him a giant douchenozzle.

Anyway, here's a couple of other people taking him to task, and doing it much more eloquently than I.

To Answer Bill Maher's Question of What Has Obama Done to Make Conservatives Angry.

Tea Party Understands Economics Better Than Obama or Bill Maher. (This one's a must read.)

Maher-Ginalizing The Left

Apparently, this is what passes for insightful commentary on the left these days:

Maher pontificates in that smug, condescending manner of his, and hopes, I guess, that people won't call him on his bullshit. (I suppose if you do so on your own show, with a friendly audience and guests, that's probably true.)

Unfortunately for Bill, the reality isn't "simple." The problem is that taxes have already been signed into law; they just haven't taken effect yet. Here are 21 of them. You'll notice that two that have already kicked in--taxes on tanning and smoking--are clearly behaviors only practiced by the super-wealthy. (Actually, if these taxes remain, you'll probably be able to read that sentence without the slightest hint of the sarcasm with which I wrote it.)

We can argue all day long about whether those are worthwhile taxes or not, but the fact is that they exist. Maher trying to distract you with a silly hat doesn't change that.

I suppose he could argue that those taxes don't count because he's talking about what taxes did, not what they're going to do. To that, I would remind him that paying a woman for sex afterwards instead of beforehand doesn't make her any less of a hooker.

And finally, I have to admit that I don't know just when he said this. It may have been before Obamacare (which contains most of the taxes) was passed. If that's the case, I'm sure he corrected his statement once it was passed, right?

P.S.: The cost isn't exactly improving, either, as this image from The Washington Times makes clear.

Que Suri, Suri

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced, which is strange because they seemed like the most dedicated couple in the compound. Even after the restraints and electrodes were removed.

It was Holmes who filed the papers. Must be she wants to focus on her movie career and walking around untethered.

Just To Be Fair...

I don't want to sound like I'm slamming actors in general (see post below). To be fair, I want to point to George Clooney. Now, I first have to say that I disagree with him, politically, on just about everything. But I do respect him. By all accounts, he is polite and respectful to those with whom he disagrees, and he seems--to me, at least--to be a fairly nice guy. But what really impresses me about him is that he puts his Clooney where his mouth is. If you haven't heard by now, Clooney was arrested today outside the Sudanese embassy while protesting the atrocities perpetrated by the Sudanese government upon its own people (something Mr. Clooney and I agree on). It's one thing to narrate a video, or donate a portion of your wealth to a political candidate or SuperPAC, but it's another to sit yourself down, get arrested and booked to draw attention to the problem. That's not to say that he (or any of us) couldn't get even more involved, but it's more than most do.

UPDATE: According to the article linked to above, Clooney has himself traveled to the region. Good for him. I should have read all the way through before writing the post. Oops.

Blessed Are The Starchmakers!

I've always thought Tom Hanks was a fairly decent guy, and played his political cards close to the vest. However, I recently saw some clips from the new Obama campaign video, and I was literally speechless as I heard Hanks narrate:

"Not since the days of Franklin Roosevelt had so much fallen on the shoulders of one president."

WHAT?!

Yes, that's right--no president in the last 65 years has had to deal with any significant hardships. Unless, of course, you count Truman having to decide whether or not to destroy two Japanese cities to end World War II. Oh, and the Korean War. I guess we can also dismiss JFK and the Cuban Missile Crisis. That's the one that brought us within a couple of miles of World War III, in case you were confusing it with some other Cuban Missile Crisis. And pshaw to LBJ and Nixon, who only had to deal with Vietnam abroad and the Civil Rights Movement at home. Carter had a fairly shitty economy and an arguably worse oil situation. (Anyone remember those gas lines?) Reagan? Two words: Cold War. George H.W. had the invasion of Kuwait, and George W. certainly didn't have anything falling on his shoulders, and certainly didn't have it happen on September 11, 2001. But other than that, I guess Hanks is probably right. Once you disregard nearly every president since FDR, he's spot on. (And I want it noted for the record that I resisted the obvious Clinton-Lewinsky joke regarding so much falling on his shoulders.)

A little farther on in the video, I caught this little gem:

"And when he faced his country, who looked to him for answers, he would not dwell in blame, or dreamy idealism."

Again, I say...wait for it....

WHAT?!

That's pretty much all he fucking did! I mean, his campaign slogan was "HOPE and CHANGE," for God's sake! You know, "change" from that shitty situation he kept blaming his predecessor for, and "hope" as in that dreamy idealism he's supposedly not dwelling in. I suppose they had to use an actor to narrate as actors might be the only ones who can say lines like these without actually laughing out loud.

Still, someone needs to tell Tom Hanks that just because he says something in his earnest-y actor's voice, doesn't make it mean shit. I mean, he's not Morgan Freeman. That man could start a new religion by reading his laundry instructions. "It's important to make sure to put plenty of starch on the shirts...."* Next thing you know, people are running around carving "Blessed are the Starchmakers" onto stone tablets, and smiting those wearing wrinkly shirts.

* It's important to read this in Morgan Freeman's voice.

I Never Thought This Song Was About Me

You know who's really so vain? Carly Simon, for thinking anyone gives a shit anymore.

Goodbye, Charlie

So after five years, "Chuck" has come to a close. It's been one of my favorite shows over those five years, and yes, I even own all available seasons on DVD. As sad as I am that it's over, I'm very happy that--unlike so many shows these days--they got to bring it to a proper conclusion. And what a conclusion. I never really realized just how much these characters had gotten inside me. Yes, it's a light-hearted action-comedy, but at its core it was a love story, and that's what made it so much fun to watch. I kept watching the clock, worried about how much time was left, and thinking that I didn't want these characters to go away. I think that's the best compliment I can pay to the cast. They all did an amazing job, and I'm looking forward to their next respective projects.

So Chuck, Sarah, Casey, Morgan, Ellie, Awesome, and all the rest, thanks for a great five years. We'll miss you.

Somewhere, Tom Selleck is Laughing

Rosie O'Donnell and her kids killed a hammerhead shark on a fishing vacation.  More than one, if the story is correct, as they say "hammerhead sharks."

So, apparently it's okay to kill an endangered animal, as long as you do it slowly with a sharp, barbed hook, and not with a gun.

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

RIP Colonel Potter

Touched By An Angel. (Hey, Shut Up! A Guy Can Dream, Can't He?)

I don't have high hopes for the new version of "Charlie's Angels." Let's face it--despite being the driving force behind my transition into puberty, the original wasn't exactly "Masterpiece Theater." But since I would watch Minka Kelly read from the phone book for an hour, you can bet your sweet speakerphone I'll be tuning in.

In fact, the only thing that would make me miss the season opener of "Charlie's Angels" would be that "24-hour Eva Mendes rope skipping" channel I've been working on.

Now start with the "A"s...and speak verrry slooowly

Generosity is Awesome!

Scott Baio (yes, that Scott Baio) could really use donations for his non-profit charitable organization, Baily Baio Angel Foundation. It's a great organization that works at making life better for families and children dealing with GA1 and other organic acidemia metabolic disorders. I don't want to speak for him, so don't hold me to this one, but Scott has also suggested that he would "follow" on Twitter those who donate.

You can find out more about OA disorders here and here. Please give generously. And not just because "Happy Days" and "Charles in Charge" are awesome. Do it because generosity is awesome!

Is Kim Kardashian Smarter Than Anthony Weiner?

Yes, at least when it comes to recognizing one's own body, I guess. Despite yammering on incessantly about what would happen if someone were to throw a pie at him, Representative Weiner can't seem to come up with the answer to what appears to be a simple question: is the picture sent from his twitter account, in fact, a picture of his nether region? Is it because he really doesn't recognize himself? How hard can that be?

Not too hard, apparently, as Kim Kardashian, whose entire "career" is perched delicately on her haunches, had no trouble spotting her naked torso when it was used as the cover of Terrace Martin and Devi Dev's new album. Now, to be fair, identifying Kardashian's naked torso (or most of her other parts for that matter) isn't all that hard if you've ever, I don't know...used the internet. But still, Weiner ought to at least know whether or not someone snapped a picture of his junk. Perhaps that's the problem--he's had so many pictures taken below the belt that he just can't be sure if this one is him or not. Seriously, how else could one not be certain?

It seems pretty clear that there's something else going on here, and Weiner's normal way of dealing with things he can't answer--interrupting and/or talking loudly over dissenters--isn't working for him. There's only one thing that the media loves more than political scandal, and that's sexual political scandal. Saying that we shouldn't "make a federal case" out of it is one of the most telling statements he's made. First of all, it is a federal case. Hacking into the computer account of a sitting congressman is, I believe, the very definition of a federal case. And let's be honest: if Weiner's account was actually hacked, he'd have the culprit tracked down within hours, dragged three times around the capital building before finally having him or her flayed alive while CSPAN captured it all. The fact that he hasn't demanded a head on a platter speaks volumes.

Notice, also, that I refrained from any sophomoric innuendo or puns regarding the congressman's name. There's been so much of that already that I thought I'd give you a break from all those people trying to cram Weiner down your throat.

Frank Drebin, RIP.

The world is now a less funny place.

Fuck Off, Switzerland

I mean, why bother extraditing a rapist? It's not like he was a danger, you know? I mean, she wanted it, and besides, she set him up for the money. And I'm sure if we ask two of his other victims, they'd say the same thing.

Latest Polanski Accuser: 'I Was Raped Repeatedly'

...or maybe not.

Yippie-Kay-Ay, Perfumesniffer!

Just in case you wondered what "badass" smells like... (hopefully not like bad ass.)

"Bruce Willis cologne: when you want to blow shit up, but smell good doing it."

Healing Hands of Time, My Ass

Two things I've learned from this: 1) Will Smith
apparently never ages, possibly because of a portrait hidden in his
attic, and 2) Matt Dillon was once a lovely young lady.

35 Teen Idols Then and Now