February 16, 2005

Robster Craws? What The Fuck Are 'Robster Craws?'

This just in from the "Take that, PETA!" department:
A new study out of Norway concludes it's unlikely lobsters feel pain, stirring up a long-simmering debate over whether Maine's most valuable seafood suffers when it's being cooked.

The study did, however, discover that butter suffers in unbearable agony while being melted.

Hey! I Don't Salivate!

Jeff Jarvis has a couple of excellent posts up "defending" bloggers in the wake of the Eason Jordan fiasco.

So why are some of these journalists attacking the bloggers with such spittle and spite, with the kind of invective they usually try to keep out of their columns (Steve Lovelady called us not just a lynch mob but "salivating morons," stooping to the level of intelligence, subtlety, nuance, and articulation of an Oliver Willis fuss)? Yes, it's jealousy. Yes, it's fear. But it's also truly about not understanding how this world could possibly operate. These are the people who used to control the news and they think it's now uncontrolled; they think that's bad.


Those who choose to chastise bloggers need to focus on two important facts. The first is that many bloggers out there (myself included) have graduate or undergraduate degrees in English and/or experience in journalism; we aren't complete neophytes. Regardless, simply because one has a vocation unrelated to media doesn't mean one can't have a basic sense of integrity and ethics. There are many bloggers out there who, I believe, have a higher degree of integrity than, say, The NY Times (presently, anyway). The Times is still getting away with stuff like this:

In September, conservative bloggers exposed flaws in a report by Dan Rather; he subsequently announced that on March 9 he would step down as anchor of the "CBS Evening News."


You'll note that the bloggers are lumped together as "conservative," yet Rather--despite the fact that his political views are well known--is not labeled as a liberal. The meaning? Mainstream media is objective; bloggers are biased. No mention of the politically charged nature of the "report." No mention of the fact that what cost Rather were not the "flaws" (which, for the record, I think is a really nice way to say "forged documents." Maybe we could start using this delivery in other fields. "Well, Mr. Jones, you have an inoperable 'flaw' in your lungs the size of a golf ball.") in the report, but rather (no pun intended) his stubbornness and arrogance in refusing to admit what nearly all of his viewers could see was obvious. Try posting a sentence like the one above on a well-read blog and see how long it lasts untarnished.

The other fact so often neglected in at least one important way by the mainstream media is one that they themselves report with more than a hint of foreboding--people are listening. Those, like Lovelady, who are so busy calling us "lynch mobs" and "salivating morons," are not asking themselves the important question, which is: Why are bloggers able to exert such pressure? Why are so many turning to the various blogs out there for their information? What is it that we are giving people that the mainstream media is not (besides fodder for our posts, that is)? Maybe it's a chance to respond in a comments section, to feel like part of the process. Free exchange of ideas is a seductive idea, and one not readily practiced in the MSM. Maybe it's the fact that people understand that unlike the mainstream media, most of us do this without making a cent. There's something appealing about the idea of men and women giving up time and effort to pursue the news, especially in a county often labeled apathetic. I know I'm amazed at the work done by some of the bloggers out there. Whatever the reason, however, the monopoly on information is over, and as it is in any free market, those who supply the best product will thrive.

Mainstream media needs to pick up the lesson that the Democrats should have learned from the last election--It's not enough to belittle your opponents and count on public dissatisfaction to Kerry carry you through; you have to improve your own image. What's the quote? Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door? The mainstream media needs to start building, and quit complaining that bloggers stole their mice.

Welcome To The BBC, Bitch!

Just happened to see this bit of news:

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's media regulator [Ofcom] has chastised publicly owned Channel 4 for on-air trailers that promoted the U.S. teen drama "The OC" with one of the show's most infamous lines: "Welcome to the OC, bitch."


After which, a tree surgeon was dispatched immediately to see if he could remove the stick apparently up Ofcom's collective ass.

Seriously, what happened to that "you Americans are soooo prudish" attitude we've been hearing for the last decade or so from Europe? How about the European response to last year's Super Bowl halftime? "It's just a nipple, for fuck's sake!" Remember that?

February 14, 2005

This Warms The Cockles Of My Heart

I firmly believe that many of mankind's greatest problems are a result of cold cockles.

Here's a nice post over at Dan's travels.

CNN Reporter: Ok, we need to do an update on the lack of progress in Iraq, ya know, talk about the constantly worsening security situation, native unrest, that sort of thing...

Camera Man: We've been saying the situation is "constantly worsening" since about 5 minutes after they pulled down that statue of Saddam. I mean we'd practically have to see alien mantis people walking down the street, kicking in doors, pulling out small children, and eating them in the street for things to have been "constantly worsening" for that long...

It's A Holiday

For all those not wishing to celebrate Valentine's day, may I wish you a...

Happy National Ferris Wheel Day!

Ride 'em if you got 'em. (A slogan that, I suppose, works equally well for those celebrating Valentine's Day.)

Before I go, let me also share a Valentine's Day poem by good friend** Paul Simon:

She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

**(not mine, but he must be somebody's)

Well, That's Just Weird

The strangest Google search I've had in a long time?

Justice League Porn

I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Wonder Woman: Why did you summon me? What's the emergency?

Batman: I...needed a hand with my utility belt.

Wonder Woman: That doesn't sound like a matter for the Justice League!

Batman: Today, it's the "Justus" League, baby...Just. Us.

Wonder Woman: You know, I could bind you with my magic lasso.

Batman: I'm counting on it. (cue '70s wocka wocka guitar) Now come on over here and see what you can do with this bat-pole.

February 10, 2005

Yee-hah!

I never got a chance to thank everyone for passing 6,000 hits, and here we are, already past 7,000.Yep, 6,000 flew by like it was 1,257 thanks to you faithful readers and those weirdos using Google, who are still looking daily for Colin Farrell's finger, and apparently, occasionally, Teri Hatcher's nipples.**

**Rest assured that if I ever have a meaninful encounter with either body part, all details will be found here.

Tomahawk Job

Man, I thought I had seen people rough on Churchill. Turns out that Ann Coulter, the one columnist who simultaneously turns me on and repulses me (how does she do that, anyway?), took on the question of Churchill's alleged Native American heritage (among other things) and scalps him like a...

Well, she does a number on him, anyway.

Color Me Surprised

It's rare that I vehemently disagree with FIRE, but it just so happens that they have started a blog. One of their first posts deals with a letter written by Greg Lukianoff to the University of Colorado at Boulder:
Thomas Jefferson once said, "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it." Professor Churchill's opinions regarding September 11 have been utterly rejected by the public at large, have caused public figures from across the political spectrum to unite in their outrage against him, and have led many of his own colleagues to condemn his statements. If he intended to generate sympathy for terrorists, the effect has been the opposite. We need not fear his words, and we must not allow our anger to cause us to betray our deepest moral and legal principles. Indeed, it is most important that at times like these we defend our fundamental liberties. Liberty faces a far greater threat from a rejection of the First Amendment than it does from the opinions of Ward Churchill.

Now, I'm a believer in the protection of free speech, even when it's unpopular. However, I also believe that the right of free speech is not absolute. There's always the old example of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater, but you could also consider libel/slander laws, or even those court cases in which people were arrested for using profane language in public places. (The "cussin' canoeist" case was overturned on appeal, but people are still being charged under the same law.) We have to balance the right of individual expression with the possible harmful effect(s) it may have on others in the community.

I agree that Churchill's essay is protected under free speech. That's not what I worry about, nor what I believe that CU should be investigating. You see, Lukianoff uses Jefferson's quote to defend Churchill's right to free speech. The problem is, that same quote also, I believe, creates huge problems for Churchill and justification for CU's investigation. Jefferson says "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it," and Lukianoff uses the mass public outrage against Churchill to imply that reason has combated his "error of opinion." Jefferson is right, and in regards to the public essay, so is Lukianoff. But what about the classroom, a place where the power differential between student and professor nullifies the reason that would otherwise "combat" Ward's beliefs? Is Ward forcing his views upon his students? Is he indoctrinating them in his own radical beliefs? This is what CU should be investigating, the same as if they received word of a math professor teaching that 1+1=11, or a geography professor who continually lectures his students that the world is flat. The powers that be at CU are responsible for maintaining the integrity of the educational process. That Churchill appears to have made up his supposed Native American heritage, that he may have committed academic fraud, and that the essay in the midst of all of this has errors I wouldn't accept from my freshmen, much less a tenured professor, creates more than enough suspicion to investigate this man. Ward Churchill is an insult to those of us in higher education who do our jobs responsibly and professionally.

February 06, 2005

The Season Is Over...

We shall not speak of it again.

In Honor Of Super Bowl Sunday

My Top Ten Eleven Punchlines From Dirty Football Jokes

11. "...Because after every trip to my end zone, he'd start high-fiving me!"
10. "Believe me, I left as soon as I realized they were playing man-to-man!"
9. "Now that's what I call a backfield in motion!"
8. "Punter? I nearly killed her!" (Yeah, I know I used it below, but it was too good to leave off.)
7. "She got me for 'Illegal use of hands'."
6. "It was awful. I kept having to call a time out so he could 'ice the kicker' if you know what I mean."
5. "I came home early, and found him 'roughing the passer.'"
4. "That's okay, baby...I play better on a muddy field."
3. "After I scored, I waited for her room mate to come home, so I could 'go for two.'"
2. "He used to be a tight end...now he's a wide receiver."
1. "Gee, Mike, when you said you wanted me to 'toss the pigskin,' I thought you wanted to play catch!"

Oh, The Times, They Are A-Changing...

From WaPo:
Influential Sunni Arab leaders of a boycott of last Sunday's elections expressed a new willingness Friday to engage the coming Iraqi government and play a role in writing the constitution, in what may represent a strategic shift in thinking among mainstream anti-occupation groups.

.....
In part, the Sunni and nationalist groups may be playing to their own constituencies. By all accounts, the Sunni turnout was far lower than that of Shiites and Kurds, although Sunni leaders debate whether that was a result of intimidation or adherence to calls for a boycott. But some residents in such Sunni towns as Ramadi and Tikrit have suggested there may be regrets over the choice. The disappointment seems strongest in urban areas, which have proved less sympathetic to the insurgency than the countryside.

The insurgents "made fools of us," said Mahmoud Ghasoub, a businessman in Baiji, a restive northern town. "They voted to disrupt the elections but failed. Now we have lost both tracks. We did not vote, nor did they disrupt the elections."

Guess that "I'm taking my ball and going home" philosophy wasn't working for you, huh?

Welcome to the World.

February 05, 2005

Caption This! Part 13


"...so I said: 'Punter? I nearly killed her!'"

It's Really Just Because I'm Lazy

I have been meaning to put up a post congratulating Antimedia for his coverage of the elections, and directing all of you over there, but I haven't. My guilt is now doubled because he happened to write a very nice post about me. But don't think that's the reason I'm writing the post now. This isn't just lip service, or some mutual admiration society.

I first discovered his blog during the Kerry/Vietnam/Swiftboat issue. He had done some amazing research, and I found that if I needed facts, figures, dates, etc. for my own posts, I needed look no further because if he hadn't done the research himself, he had a link to someone who did. And you can trust his research--the guy has integrity.

He's a regular read for me, and I think he's once again doing a hell of a job--this time, with the events surrounding the elections in Iraq. You would do well for yourself to cruise on over there and spend some time reading through the posts. Some of the best ones are here, here, and here.

He mentions that I was one of the early readers of his blog, but I have to say that I had no idea he was just starting out. I just assumed he had been around for a long time because the writing was so professionally done. I hope he continues with it.

February 04, 2005

Just Wondering...

Does anyone know what happened to that serviceman who was captured? I heard he was rescued by Spider-Man, The Six-Million-Dollar Man, and some guy with a "kung-fu grip."

It seems that the heroes arrived too late, and the poor devil had already been beheaded. But after retrieving the head from the dog's mouth, the quick-thinking rescuers snapped it back on again, leaving the hearty soldier none the worse for wear, except for some dog slobber.

CNN military analyst James Marks, a retired Army general, questioned its authenticity.

He told CNN in a phone interview that the flak jacket in the picture had a kind of trim along the edges that he'd never seen before, and that the open-legged pants, as opposed to gathered hems, struck him as odd.

He also questioned what appeared to be camouflage paint on the face.

"We have not used camo paint with conventional forces serving in Iraq," Marks said.


Yeah...That was the clue. As opposed to the blank expression and painted-on pupils. Nice work, Sherlock.

Mmmm....Abomination

Gives a whole new meaning to the words "to go."

Cheer Up, Everybody!

Yet another great stride taken in science:
The study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that the women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed.

The crazy thing is, it seemed to make the men happier as well.

Yeah, It Was Me...What Are You Gonna Do About It?

At work, I saw a handwritten sign that someone had posted which read "1,440 U.S. dead as of 1/28/05."

When no one was looking, I wrote this underneath:

"8 million+ Iraqis paid tribute to them on 1/30/05."

Eh...What's Up, Doc?

This just in from National Geographic:

Chinese scientists at the Shanghai Second Medical University in 2003 successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs.

The press attempted to get pictures of the creature in the incubator, but were turned away by one of the researchers. "Be vewy, vewy qwiet," he said, "We're bwewing wabbits."
In Minnesota last year researchers at the Mayo Clinic created pigs with human blood flowing through their bodies.

The creature lived for only a few days, however. Apparently, the pitiful thing was depressed over not being able to wear pants, in addition to researchers making fun of the animal's speech impediment. A note found next to the body read "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"
And at Stanford University in California an experiment might be done later this year to create mice with human brains.

"We hope he will be able to walk upright, and wear gloves and shorts," said one hopeful researcher. "He may even be able to pilot a steamboat, sweep up with a broomstick, and possibly own a pet dog!"

Oh, God...I have way too much time on my hands.

February 02, 2005

Sacre Merde!

Is it some kind of Truth in labeling?
In an announcement which is stunning the world, France has decided to change its name permanently to Stinkland.

Nope, just some hijinx from our good friends over at the Weekly World News.

Was Haley Joel Osment Too Busy?

From the "You've got to be shitting me" department:

Leonardo DiCaprio has received a lifetime achievement award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival.

Aparently, they've confused DiCaprio with the Giant Panda, whose lifespan is roughly thriry years.

January 31, 2005

A Few Words

I don't have a whole lot to say about the elections in Iraq. I think they speak for themselves. Besides the obvious, though, I would point out two things:

1. There has been an overwhelming force-feeding of the message that "we aren't wanted" in Iraq. Eight million plus Iraqis let us know where they stand on the issue.

2. The "terrorists," "insurgents," "assholes," etc. have made it overtly clear that they are not fighting for Muslims, or the Iraqi people, or anyone other than themselves. Like a playground bully who slowly notices the growing crowd of children surrounding them, they must be beginning to realize that from this day on they will be a little less feared, a little less respected, and a little less influential.

Normally, I think I talk real purty-like, but today I want to borrow a little from Nelson Mandella's inauguration speech, which seems wholly appropriate today:

We dedicate this day to all the heroes and heroines in this country and the rest of the world who sacrificed in many ways and surrendered their lives so that we could be free.

Their dreams have become reality. Freedom is their reward.

..............................................................................................

We understand it still that there is no easy road to freedom.

We know it well that none of us acting alone can achieve success.

We must therefore act together as a united people, for national reconciliation, for nation building, for the birth of a new world.

Let there be justice for all.

Let there be peace for all.

Let there be work, bread, water and salt for all.

Let each know that for each the body, the mind and the soul have been freed to fulfill themselves.

Never, never and never again shall it be that this beautiful land will again experience the oppression of one by another and suffer the indignity of being the skunk of the world.

Let freedom reign.

January 29, 2005

Now If We Could Only Find A Giant Paper Bag...

I really wanted to send this to Dave Barry, but someone beat me to it.
No one is sure how the fire started, but a common theory is that heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile eventually ignited the manure.

Too. Many. Jokes.

The Porn On The Bus Goes "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

It seems that a school bus driver in Greece shocked parents when they learned that he had played an X-rated video for the bus full of 12-15 year olds. For some reason, the driver's alleged proposition just cracks me up:
"The driver said 'kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus."

Of course, other than that, I'm thoroughly disgusted.

January 28, 2005

For The Record

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but I'm dismayed at website after website that, apparently in their rush to keep from getting something wrong, fail to examine the facts themselves. Yes, I'm still rambling on about the "Michael Moore Bodyguard" story.

It's just that sites that I respect, such as Moorewatch.com, Moorelies.com, Captain's Quarters, et. al, are for some reason bending over backwards to criticize FOX news and others for a story that is no more misleading than the email sent from Burk's firm. And nobody (but me) seems to be criticizing that. I even sent an email to Instapundit, but he never responded. Let me just give you the last few facts.

1. Websites are claiming that the FOX story, as written, is "untrue," or "false," simply on the basis of de Becker's email. I've already covered this previously. The story may be misleading, but technically it's true. (Except for one point, which I'll come to later.)

2. de Becker, who runs Burk's firm, states that Burk "never worked for Michael Moore" in his original email. He later tells Moorewatch that Burk was in NYC protecting Moore. Now who's providing false and misleading information?

3. Burk's representatives claim that he "followed proper airline procedure" in checking his gun. This may be true. I have no argument with that--the charge was not an airline charge anyway. But what they don't tell you is that while he may have followed proper airline procedure, he didn't follow New York City gun law.
6. License: ...A license to carry or possess a pistol or revolver, not otherwise limited as to place or time of possession, shall be effective throughout the state, except that the same shall not be valid within the city of New York unless a special permit granting validity is issued by the police commissioner of that city. Such license to carry or possess shall be valid within the city of New York in the absence of a permit issued by the police commissioner of that city, provided that (a) the firearms covered by such license have been purchased from a licensed dealer within the city of New York and are being transported out of said city forthwith and immediately from said dealer by the licensee in a locked container during a continuous and uninterrupted trip; or provided that (b) the firearms covered by such license are being transported by the licensee in a locked container and the trip through the city of New York is continuous and uninterrupted; or provided that... (emphasis mine)

For those that don't read legalese, that means that unless you are Flying (or driving) through NYC, you may not bring a handgun into the city. Period. I have a relative from upstate New York who worked as a deputy sheriff. While going to NYC to pick up a prisoner, even HE was not allowed to bring his sidearm into the city. (Although that was some time ago, and the law may have changed on that.)

Burk was leaving NYC. He didn't buy the weapon there. We know this because it was registered in other states. This means he HAD to have brought it into NYC at some point previous. (Most likely when meeting Moore on January 11--why else bring the gun in the first place.) That's not a continuous and uninterrupted trip, and therefore it's illegal for Burk to posses (not just "carry") the weapon in NYC. As far as I'm concerned the case is closed right there. But a couple of other points.

4. I've heard people say that a judge "released Burk on his own recognizance," as if that somehow clears him. Sorry, that just means he wasn't given any bail. "Dismissed" charges are something different. He'll return to court on February 3 (according to Newsday) to answer the charges.

5. Although de Becker keeps claiming it's incorrect to call Burk "Moore's bodyguard," most stories I've seen state that Burk himself said that.

6. There is a difference between "licensed" and "registered." De Becker complains that the FOX Story makes a mistake by calling the firearm "unlicensed," but then says:
Patrick Burk’s firearm is legally registered to Patrick Burk - it is not “unlicensed.”

De Becker is trying to play semantic games. The gun is not registered in the City of New York. And it's Burke himself, not the gun who needs to be "licensed" in the City of New York. He is not. If he were licensed though, guess what must be on that license?

A license to carry or possess a pistol or revolver shall have attached the licensee`s photograph, and a coupon which shall be removed and retained by any person disposing of a firearm to the licensee. Such license shall specify the weapon covered by calibre, make, model, manufacturer`s name and serial number... (emphasis mine)


So, is calling the gun--which is not listed on a valid NYC license--"unlicensed" necessarily incorrect? I'll leave it to you to decide.

By saying that the gun is "legally registered" to Burk, de Becker makes it sound like Burk is not breaking the law. He is.

7. The one point that de Becker does get right is that the FOX article headline states that Burk was arrested on an "airport gun charge." That's not correct. The charge would be a city charge (I believe it's a felony).

De Becker plays games with words, lies outright about Burk never working for Moore, lies by omission in neglecting to state that Burk was in NYC to meet Moore on the 11th. He even has the nerve to insist that Burk followed airport regulations while in the same letter insisting (correctly) that the charge wasn't an airport charge! The fact that none of the people in such a rush to make a "correction" checked up on these and other claims that de Becker made disturbs me more than a little.

Not To Sound Cold, But...

This idiot that decides to off himself by parking his SUV on the train tracks, and then chickens out at the last second, fleeing the vehicle moments before the train hits it and derails, killing or wounding more than 200 people?

I just can't believe that they're going to have to spend money to jail and try this yahoo, and then--most likely--spend money on his appeals and execution.

If I was working in the jailhouse, I'd be sure to slip a nice piece of rope and a stool into his cell at some point. The courts are too crowded already.

And for any of you other chuckleheads out there thinking about it... Hey, go ahead, check out. I think you're stupid, but ultimately, I don't care. It thins the herd. But don't be a self-absorbed asshole about it. Don't park you car in front of something that carries other people at 70 miles per hour. Don't shoot yourself and leave a gun around where kids can find it. Same with pills. Don't slit your wrists--do you know what kind of a mess that's going to leave for your loved ones to clean up?

You wanna do it? Here's what you do--strip naked, coat yourself with barbecue sauce and climb into the polar bear pit at your local zoo. You get the headlines and attention that you couldn't get in life, and hey...The bears get something out of it too.

Speaking Of Messes

Ted Kennedy claiming that the presence of U.S. Troops is the cause of the violence in Iraq is like claiming that Mary Jo Kopechne was to blame for Chappaquiddick.

Asshole.

No Accounting For Intelligence

This just in from Yahoo news:

Seventy Nobel Prize laureates including former U.S. President Jimmy Carter on Thursday endorsed the leadership of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan in the face of questions about his role in the tainted Iraq oil-for-food program.

"He has never failed to take a critical look at the U.N. to examine its weaknesses and recommend improvements," the prizewinners said in a statement released by the nonprofit New York-based Better World Campaign.

And then this gem at the end:

The Better World Campaign, which organized the letter, is a sister group to the U.N. Foundation, created in 1998 by a $1 billion pledge by media mogul Ted Turner in support of U.N. programs.


Well, there's certainly no conflict of interest there.

Kofi Annan has moral authority and wisdom? I think I found it more believable when Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka "Comical Ali" insisted that "There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

January 26, 2005

England?

Too good to pass up--A bunch of celebrities tell their favorite swear words to British television. Zach Braff's is the best.

Might take a while to load. Be patient. You also need to have macromedia's flash player installed. (Most people do, don't they?)

January 24, 2005

Take That, Treehuggers!

Who thought human interference and destruction on a global scale would be a good thing?

At the peak of the last ice age, which began 70,000 years ago, 97% of Canada was covered by ice.

The research showed that without the human contribution to global warming, Baffin Island would today be in a condition of "incipient glaciation".

"Portions of Labrador and Hudson Bay would also have moved very close to such a state had greenhouse gas concentrations followed natural trends," said the scientists.

The experiment had probably underestimated the amount of ice that would exist today in north-east Canada without human interference, they said.

Anthropologist Dr Benny Peiser, from Liverpool John Moores University, said: "If the research findings are correct, a radical change in the perception of anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions will be required.

"Instead of driving us to the brink of environmental disaster, human intervention and technology progress will be seen as vital activities that have unintentionally delayed the onset of a catastrophic ice age."

Can you imagine the scene if we hadn't burned all those fossil fuels?

CANADIAN #1: The ice looks a little closer today, eh?
CANADIAN #2: Aboot a foot or so.

Quote of The Week

From Petitedov:

"I'm all for erect nipples but honesty goes a long way with me."


I have it on good authority that this was also the original opening line of Bush's inauguration speech.

January 23, 2005

Not Again...

It's midway through the first quarter, and it's 10-0...but not in a good way.

Did I mention I hated the Patriots?


...Beginning of second quarter:

Typical Steelers playoff behavior. They seem to be playing better, but give up the big play. (Just like they did with the Jets last week.)

...Two minutes left:

Let the consoling begin. Go Eagles.

...Game Over:

There is no God.

Very Sad News

Johnny Carson, dead at 79. What a great, great entertainer and a wonderful man. Rest in Peace.

Moore Than Meets The Eye

I was a bit alarmed to get an email indicating that Fox news (and I) may have rushed to judgment on the "Michael Moore bodyguard" story. Petitedov pointed me to this link over at Ace of Spades, who led me to this link over at Moorewatch.

However, I think I'm going to stand by this one for the moment. If it's wrong, then not only did Fox News get it wrong (the story's still up, although they supposedly removed the link from the home page), but so did Newsday:
A California man who told police he was filmmaker Michael Moore's bodyguard was awaiting arraignment Thursday night in Queens for carrying an unlicensed handgun at Kennedy Airport, authorities said.

Moore, the 2003 Academy Award-winning director of "Bowling for Columbine," which spoofs and criticizes America's obsession with guns, was not with the bodyguard, Patrick Burk, 34, of Los Angeles, police said.

Port Authority Police arrested Burk at 8:10 p.m. Wednesday after he presented a black, .40-caliber Mauser pistol at a United Airlines ticket counter while trying to board a flight home, police said.

Burk has a license to carry the gun in Florida and California but not in New York, police said.

Sources said Burk arrived in New York with Moore on Jan. 11 for what was to be a short stay before they were to head to Michigan. It was not known how long Burk and Moore were together in the city.

Apparently, so did UPI:
Patrick Burk, 34, of Los Angeles, arrested at Kennedy Airport for carrying an unlicensed pistol, Newsday reported Friday.

Burk, who works for California security firm, Gavin de Becker & Associates of Studio City, said he was a bodyguard for Moore, who won an Oscar for best documentary for his anti-gun film, "Bowling for Columbine."

A National Rifle Association spokesman said: "This is the height of hypocrisy."

Port Authority police arrested Burk, who had presented his unloaded and locked .40-caliber Mauser pistol at an airport ticket counter, because he did not have a license to carry such a weapon in New York.


Oh, and so did Court TV:
A bodyguard who has protected outspoken moviemaker and gun-control advocate Michael Moore was arrested at Kennedy International Airport for allegedly carrying a pistol without a New York license, authorities said Thursday.

The points that Gavin de Becker brings up in his email refuting the story are nit-picky at best, and incorrect at worst. I know he wants to protect his firm and his employee. But let's face it--nobody cares about Burk and this incident or the firm he works for. Moore is the target. The story probably wouldn't have been picked up were it not for Moore's involvement. Regardless, de Becker says that it's incorrect to call Burk "Michael Moore's bodyguard" because he works for de Becker's firm, and protects others as well. That's ridiculous. Look, if you go up to Michael Moore and ask "who's your bodyguard?" he's going to say "Patrick Burk," no matter if Burk protects others or not. I would say that qualifies him to be "Michael Moore's bodyguard." Can you imagine someone trying to argue that you couldn't say that "[whatever establishment] is my barbershop" simply because it was owned by someone else and they also served other people? And they might not be actually cutting your hair at that very moment? Besides, in at least two of the stories Burk himself admits working for Moore as recently as January 11th.

De Becker also claims:
When checking in for the flight, Patrick Burk voluntarily advised United Airlines that he was transporting an unloaded, locked firearm in his checked luggage, precisely as regulations require, and not “carrying” a weapon, as your story inaccurately reports.

Again, I'm not sure this is necessarily incorrect. The gun was in his luggage. Unless he moved it by telekinesis, he was probably--you guessed it--carrying it. Just like someone might say "I'm carrying condoms in my wallet," or "I'm carrying tissues in my purse." De Becker's objection is understandable, though, because people will likely confuse the everyday use of "carry" with the legal use--to have on one's person. Misleading? Probably. But incorrect? I would say technically not. Regardless, the point is that Burk was on his way home to Los Angeles, which means he had the gun in NYC where he is not licensed to have it. Now, obviously no one can prove he "carried it" in the legal sense, but it seems likely that since he was there since the 11th apparently guarding Moore, that he probably would have the firearm on his person. Why else bring it?

de Becker also says it's incorrect to call the gun "unlicensed." I somewhat agree with him, because to say it's an "unlicensed gun" makes it seem to be, say, something bought on the black market, although I think then it would be called an "unregistered gun." But again...In a technical sense? The gun is not licensed to be used, or carried, in the state of New York. de Becker points out that it is "registered" to Burk, which I'm sure is the case. I might be mistaken, but I believe that "registered" and "licensed" are slightly different things. Sort of like a car. As long as I have a license (which applies to me), I can drive any car, no matter who it is registered to(which applies to the car).

Anyway, to sum all of this up, I wouldn't call the news stores "incorrect," but they are a bit misleading, and Moorewatch should be commended for publishing de Becker's email, and providing the other side of the story. Regardless, the point to all of this really has very little to do with the incident at the airport. The reason I posted the initial story, as did Moorewatch.com, et. al., was because of Moore's hypocrisy. That hasn't changed. The man who made sport of the NRA, who claimed America had an "obsession with guns," that we are living in a "culture of fear"...He still hired armed guards to protect himself.

Once More Into The Breech

I'm so nervous about the AFC championship game, you'd think I was playing in it. I'm a Steelers fan. I've never been anything else. And I hate the Patriots more than any other team in football. (plus, they play dirty.) I've hated them ever since they beat the Steelers a few years back with an illegal forward lateral that was never called. And I hate the fact that despite the Steelers having home field advantage, a better record, a better defense, AND the fact that the Steelers have already beat them once this year, the Patriots are favored by three points. I don't know how that happens. Oh, sure, everyone says "Well, Roethlisberger played like a rookie last week and they barely beat the Jets, and now the Pats have Corey Dillon back."

Okay, first of all, Roethlisberger did NOT "play like a rookie" last week. He made two mistakes in the interceptions. Otherwise, his stats (17/30, 181yds, 1TD, 2 INT)were pretty similar to Chad Pennington's (21/33, 182yds, 1 INT). And they may have barely beaten the jets, but remember, it was really on two big plays--one of the interceptions, and a special teams return. Other than that, the Jets offense scored all of three points. And yeah, they'll have Corey Dillon back, and he is a good back. But he's not a miracle worker. Week eight, when these teams met, the Steelers defense held New England to five yards rushing. Not one back, mind you, but the whole team. Of course Dillon will do better than that, but the Steelers' Defense is devastating against the run. And even though they have Dillon, they don't have either starting cornerback (which, last time, left Plaxico Burress with a mismatch advantage that gave him two TDs), Defensive End Richard Seymour, Defensive End Rodney Bailey, and possibly Linebacker Ted Johnson. That's a pretty beat-up defense, especially against a Steelers tough offensive line and what could be the best triple set of receivers in the leage in Burress, Hines Ward, and Antwaan Randle El. And if that isn't enough, don't forget they're going to run Jerome Bettis again, and again, and again, until the defense is tired. You say Bettis is tired? Fine, then they'll just run Duce Staley at them...again, and again, and...Tell me again why the Patriots are favored?

Let's face it, it's going to come down to one thing--can Big Ben handle the pressure and keep from turning the ball over? That will make the difference. Here's my advice to Cowher, for what it's worth: I'd come out shooting, trying to take advantage of the second string cornerbacks, especially the Burress mismatch that worked so well last time. If it works, and you take a little lead, then the rest of the day is ball control. Lots of running (you've got two DE's out), and short, inside slant passes because they're quick to get off, and almost impossible to defend. Run the clock down and keep their defense on the field as much as possible. AND NO SPECIAL TEAMS SCREWUPS!!!!!!

Anyway, I believe the Steelers are the better team, and that they can win. I hope they do. I'll probably be miserable for days if they don't. (In that case, I welcome all consoling from female readers.) I remember in week eight, telling a friend that I had a feeling that the Steelers would beat the unbeaten Pats, and that this game might be a precursor to the AFC Championship game. Looks like I was right. The following week, Pittsburgh played Philly--also unbeaten--and I told the same friend that I had a feeling they would win again, and that this game might be a precursor to the Super Bowl. Here's hoping I'll make it two for two.

GO STEELERS!!

January 22, 2005

Too Good To Pass Up

I haven't picked on Michael Moore in a while but I couldn't let these go by without posting them. The first is about Moore's bodyguard.

NEW YORK--Filmmaker Michael Moore's bodyguard was arrested for carrying an unlicensed weapon in New York's JFK airport Wednesday night.

Must be authorities didn't buy the "Sorry, I just opened a bank account" excuse. Next thing you know, K-Mart employees are going to film themselves outside of Moore's building, asking him to no longer give his bodyguard money for bullets.

Who's buying into the "culture of fear" and "obsession with guns" now, Mike, you hypocritical fuck?

The second one isn't quite as karmically satisfying, but it's close. Seems Moore was denied entrance into his high school's hall of fame...for the fourth time.
"Would you want him as a role model? Would you want your son or daughter to be like him?" asked Don Hammond, a member of the Hall of Fame selection committee. "I haven't talked to anybody yet who's for him. The word to describe Michael Moore is embarrassing. He embarrasses everybody."

C'mon...Is it really that surprising that most of the folks from Davison can't stand Moore? I mean, here's a guy who attended private parochial school until age 14, then went to Davison High. But what do we constantly hear from Moore and his people? Moore is a "regular guy," a "Flint native," that he "grew up in Flint," he continues to sign his letters "Flint" (despite having a million-dollar NYC apartment), all of which is done to carefully create the image he wants--that of the struggling working guy. Moore has ignored Davison. Why? Maybe it's because it doesn't jibe with that image. After all Davison is actually the wealthy, white suburb of Flint.
Davison's median household income is one and a half times that of Flint's, and its median house value is just over twice that of Flint's. Davison's 2000 unemployment rate was a minuscule 4.6 percent, a third that of Flint's, and its poverty rate was half the national average. Davison is also lily-white to a staggering degree: African-Americans make up only one-half of one percent of its population.

That's from Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man. Sorry I don't have a link.

In short, Moore has done everything possible to dissociate himself from Davison and its high school. All the town is doing is returning the favor.

January 21, 2005

Two Completely Unrelated Things

What the hell??? About 80% of my hits are now coming from google searches looking for images with the search terms "Colin," "Farrell," and "finger." And they're almost all from international versions of Google. What the hell is going on here? Is there some story about Farrell giving people the finger that I missed? Am I now involved in some international conspiracy? You! Yes, you--the one from the Netherlands...can you explain this? Any of you?


and on a lighter note, here's Larry Elder on Social Security.
In 1992, the Wall Street Journal asked President Clinton, "Let's run a couple [of deficit cutting schemes] by you just to see if you would entertain them: raising the retirement age for Social Security benefits." Clinton answered, "I think it's something we ought to look at, I sure do. When Social Security was instituted . . . the retirement age was pegged at an age that was higher than the average life expectancy of the people paying into the system. The average person that actually drew retirement benefits spent about five or six of their adult years in retirement. Now, with the fastest growing group of the population over 80, by the turn of the century the average person could literally spend 20 years in retirement. . . . "
He's right, and it's one of the biggest problems with Social Security. As originally intended, it was to provide benefit for those who were of strong stock, and managed to live past life expectancy, NOT to supplement retirement benefits.

January 18, 2005

Did I Miss Something?

I've been getting quite a number of hits from Google looking for pictures with the search terms "Colin," "Farrell," and "finger."

What's that knuckleheaded Irishman been up to?

And We Share A Birthday!

How smoking hot was Teri Hatcher at the Golden Globes? The actress, who won an award for "Desperate Housewives," usually looks good, but for some reason she looked particularly fetching that evening. Sigh...She'll always be Lois Lane to me.

And while I'm on the topic of "Housewives," I have to say--I know she's psychotic, but I find myself strangely drawn to Marcia Cross's character Bree. I'm sure, though, that if I just hit myself in the goods with a hammer a couple of times, that desire for abuse will go away. Either that, or I'll black out for a couple of days.

Don't Let Her Order The Lobster!

I can't remember if I posted on this challenge before or not (and I'm too lazy to look right now), but the gist of it is that customers of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub have three hours to eat a six-pound burger...with another five pounds of "fixins." So far, no one has been able to do it. No one, that is, until one plucky girl tucked in her napkin.

Kate Stelnick, 19, of Princeton, N.J., who weighs just 100 pounds, on Wednesday became the first person to eat a six-pound hamburger - and five pounds of fixins’ - within three hours.

Yesiree, little Katie Stelnick has earned her place in the history books, as well as a lifetime of "swallowing six pounds of meat" jokes.

Some Bad News

I just lost two of my classes for the Spring. To put that into perspective for you non-academics, just imagine that someone cut your paycheck by about $1000 for each of the next four months. Yeah...that bad.

Dating, Round 2

The post high-school dating history, MY post high-school dating history was not so much barren as it was...spotty. I took a couple of years off before I went to college, and since I had a good job, I spent quite a bit of time hanging out in bars, drinking, playing pool, etc. Living in a college town, there were plenty of dating opportunities--video store girl, much-too-horny girl, known-her-since-she-was-eight girl--but none of them seemed to last too long. There's no mystery about it, mind you. It was all my fault. Now, I'm not some ladies man, but for some reason, these girls always seemed to like me a little too much a little too fast. Indeed, it was probably because I'm not a ladies man; I'm just a nice guy. (Okay, everybody: Awwwwww)Whatever the reason, it was always too much, too soon for me, and I pushed these girls away. And believe me, over the years, I've beat my head against the wall many times, wondering what the hell I was thinking. They were very nice girls, and I know (now) I was lucky they were even interested.

There were a few of the other kind, too. Not so nice. The most bizarre of which...Well, I'll just tell the story. I'm standing in one of my usual dives (the term 'dive' is accurate here) watching a pool game, waiting my turn. Next to me, out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman--obviously drunk and somewhat homely. The reason I notice her is that instead of standing straight up like the rest of us, she's making little clockwise circles, like one of those inflatable punching clowns after you've whacked it a couple of times.

She leans into me, and in a loud whisper that smells of booze and cigarettes says "It's my birthday." Polite fellow that I am, I offer the obligatory "Happy birthday." What followed was a little-too-long dramatic pause before she hit me with it. "You can fuck me if you want." I nodded at her solemnly, and said "I'll keep that in mind."

I went home alone. But I digress.

As far as the dating goes, it seemed like I was always the one doing the breaking-up, and for a while there, I think I actually became pretty good at it. The girl would generally leave with no hard feelings, maybe even thinking "you know...He's right." On occasion, I even managed some physical contact immediately after the break up. I don't know, maybe that happens all the time, but I remember thinking "Huh...how'd this happen?"

I should stop here for a moment and point out that although it might not seem it, I did have some scruples. For example, I never cheated on a girlfriend. Never did; never will. I have, however, been the "other man" a couple of times. I see no problem with that. I'm not cheating on anyone, and if she decides to cheat...Well, that's her thing.

Anyway...Where were we? Oh yeah...The college years. Subtitle? "Payback's a bitch." But seeing as the new semester is starting, you'll have to wait for the next post.

January 14, 2005

YES!!!!

Finally, a fight worthy of pay per view. Although, like many of the Tyson fights, I can't imagine it lasting more that a couple of seconds.

January 12, 2005

Fer Cryin' Out Loud....

Can somebody please tell me how it is that The Thornburgh Independent Review Panel investigating the Rathergate memo scandal over at CBS failed to find any evidence of political bias??? Oh, perhaps it was because the panel wasn't exactly "independent," as Tony Blankley points out.

So the lawyers hired to independently investigate CBS have a lawyer/client relationship with CBS. Presumably, as a senior member of that firm, Independent Review Panel Member Richard Thornburgh also has CBS as a fiduciary client. Thus, unlike similarly named government independent investigations -- this one is paid for by, and carried out on behalf of, the target of the investigation.

Outrageous. Even Rather is still clinging to the illusion that this was all some sort of "honest mistake." His response is posted on Drudge, and includes the laughable line:

I have seen us overcome adversity before. I am convinced we can do so again.


Need I point out that the term adversity means hardship or misfortune, again implying that somehow, this was something done to CBS instead of something done by them. Unreal. Rather needs to look himself straight in the eye and say that "it's time to bolt the shutters because the stove is hot and Aunt Minnie's just about done with the wash." Whatever the hell that means.

You're Sick, Eh?

Think the U.S. health care system sucks ass? Thinking about going to Canada because their system is better than ours? You might want to hold off on those travel plans until you read "Miracle Cure" by Sally Pipes, or at least this column by Walter E. Williams.

"The median wait for an MRI across Canada was 12.6 weeks. Patients in Prince Edward Island experienced the shortest wait for an MRI (six weeks), while Newfoundland residents waited longest (33.5 weeks)." Overall, Canada's total waiting time between referral from a general practitioner to treatment averaged about 18 weeks in 2004.

I'm going to have to put "Miracle Cure" on my reading list, and if I get to it, I'll let you know what I find out.

Nit Pick

I'm going to pick a few nits regarding this yahoo news piece. None of them are too big a deal by themselves, but it's just more evidence of the way the news can be easily manipulated. First, look at the headline:

Iraqi Victim Says U.S. Torture Worse Than Saddam


Well, first of all, I have a little trouble believing that, simply because those people who have looked into it know the kinds of atrocities that were committed under Hussein. But...Is that what the victim really said? Let's look:

An obviously ill-at ease Mutar added: "I was extremely emotional because (even) Saddam didn't do this to us."


Hmm...Okay. You see those parentheses around the word "even"? That generally means that word was not part of the original quote, but rather added for clarity or to make the sentence grammatically correct. It's obviously not the latter, for the sentence is grammatically correct without it. That means the reporter added it. Granted, there's not a lot of difference between the two sentences, but there is a difference. By adding the term "even," the reporter makes it sound like the man quoted is saying that US treatment is worse than that of Hussein...As it states in the headline. The man may, in fact, feel that way, but the quote on its own doesn't make that clear.

The second issue I have with this piece is in paragraph eight:

But investigations have shown many prisoners in Iraq, Afghanistan and at the U.S. Navy base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba also suffered abusive treatment after the government looked at ways to obtain more information in its war against terrorism.


Investigations? Many? I haven't heard of these investigations--why not mention them by name so I can examine them for myself? How many is many? 15? 150?

Again, I know I'm being nit-picky with these things, but isn't it just as easy to get them right and be specific as it is to get them wrong? Why not quote verbatim? He's obviously read about the "investigations"; why not tell us?

January 11, 2005

HERO

Next semester, I'm teaching a class on the Hero Myth. Growing up, I always heard stories like Sgt. Rafael Peralta's, but I always assumed it was just a result of the progession of that same Hero Myth, an exemplification of the sacrifice and devotion of all men to their causes. I should have remembered that somewhere, some way, all those myths are built upon a kernel of truth. Sgt. Peralta's story is one which can stand among any that I will be looking at in the upcoming class.

It's a shame that you won't read words like these in the mainstream media.

Kaemmerer recounts how later on the night of Nov. 15, a friend approached him and said: "You're still here; don't forget that. Tell your kids, your grandkids, what Sgt. Peralta did for you and the other Marines today." Don't forget. Good advice for all of us.


Well said.

Funniest, Schmunniest

Okay, for those two of you that are waiting for part two of the dating thing, never fear. I'm working on it, but carefully. I'm trying to be as honest as possible with it, while not simply vomiting words up in some kind of purging therapy session. In the meantime, I have to thank Ken for pointing out how I have shirked my duties. This top ten comedy scenes list from the previous post is simply atrocious. And it's no excuse to say that this was a British poll. The Brits may have absolutely awful food (toad in the hole???), but when it comes to comedy, they've given us Chaplin, Benny Hill, Monty Python, Peter Cook, Peter Sellers, and Irish jokes (bastards!) among others.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can do better.

That's right, I'm taking suggestions, either publicly or privately, for the top ten funniest scenes of all time. I'm sure this small group of us can come up with a list that will make all time proud. When submitting, consider the following criteria:

1) How funny was it? This is all time, so...you know...you better have milk coming out your nose, or something coming from some orifice.

2) How memorable is it? It should probably be one of the first things you think of when you think of that film. That's why I had trouble with trying to justify The Jerk or Airplane!--They're so overall funny that it's tough to pick out one scene.

3) Will it have broad comedic appeal? (This means that except for the Christopher Walken driving scene in...Annie Hall(?), and some of Take the Money and Run...no Woody Allen!) Theses scenes should be at least somewhat funny to everyone, so don't send in something like "I thought the witticisms in the ballroom scene of Le Pretentious Fuck were simply charming!"

4) Has it been oft imitated? This certainly is not a requirement to get on the list, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

So send in the suggestions, folks! I've got some ideas of my own to throw in, and ultimately I'm going to decide the final content of the list, so don't worry--if your choice isn't included, that just means you really don't have much of a sense of humor.

January 07, 2005

Intermission

This was just too interesting to wait until the end of part two of my dating history. Apparently, Blockbuster has polled 4,000 people to find the ten funniest movie scenes of all time. Reading the list, however, I was shocked. There were a few I expected...the hair gel scene from There's Something About Mary, for example. (Ha ha! It's really semen...get it?!) But there were some very surprising inclusions, and some glaring omissions. (There'd have to be, wouldn't there, since although the claim is the funniest scene of all time, there's no film there before 1974.)

Still Here!

I know I haven't been around lately. It's just that I'm trying to enjoy this short time off that I have. Mainly, that consists of goofing off, and trying to catch up on books and television. I just finished watching all the episodes of the third season of "24" in about 24 hours. It really is the best way to watch it, I think. Man, seems like every year that Jack Bauer has one sumbitch of a day, you know? That man's got some bad karma.

Enough of that--on to the good stuff...well, the mediocre stuff at least. Seems like the topic lately is dating. I don't know why, unless it's that holiday thing where everyone takes stock of themselves, their love lives, etc. Whatever the reason, people are sharing their dating philosophies/histories. Mine should be pretty easy.

My dating philosophy: I don't do it. The quick and easy reason is that once, some time ago, I found the true meaning of love. Shortly after that, I found the other true meaning of love--the one where my heart was ripped from my chest and held up so I could still see it beating before it was thrown to the ground and crushed under a stylish leather boot. That's the short story. The long story is very gory and filled with expletives.

Now, of course, I can make jokes about it, but at the time, I felt a lot like Ralph Wiggum in that Simpsons episode--I was sure that if someone ran a videotape of my life in slow-motion, they would be able to find that exact, telling moment:

BART: "Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half!"
--"I Love Lisa"; season four

The dating history is somewhat of a roller coaster ride. I think part of the problem is that I used up a good deal of the dating mojo too fast. As a very young man of about five, I had plenty of girlfriends. If you've read past posts, you'll know that in school, I was a bit of a prodigy. I guess school wasn't the only place where I was ahead of the others. I can remember getting caught by my mother while my first girlfriend, Kathy H., and I were naked in my bedroom. I can remember getting in trouble for making out with my other first girlfriend Bobbie Jo J. on the way to the planetarium. My kindergarten experience was such that had I known then who Hugh Hefner was, I very well might have attended school clad in a smoking jacket and beechwood bubble pipe.

Fast forward to about twelve. Summer camp. Remarkably enough, I still had pull with the opposite sex, although I didn't know it. I remember those two weeks fondly--my first slow dance, with a girl who will always occupy a special place in my heart, and who was later taken from us by anorexia. And one of the best stories, too: When my parents came to pick me up, my mother asked me if I had had a good time. As if on cue, two of the cute girls from the camp (okay, one cute, one cute but psychotic) came running up and said goodbye by kissing me slowly and softly on the mouth and arguing over who liked me more. Mom just looked at me as if I had grown a third arm. "Well," she said, "it seems you did." That, by the way, was the last time I attended camp.

I'll throw in one more before leaving this land of milk and honeys to venture forth into what I call "The Lean Years." But this one was an important one. Amy, my first love. And even though I don't believe in it, it was love at first sight. I was...seventeen? I think that's right. I remember two things about her. The first is that I loved to loan her my jacket because whenever I got it back, it would smell like her, and I would be loath to wear it myself, lest the thing picked up my brutish scent. The other thing I remember is our first kiss. I mean, I remember every little detail. I remember that it was raining out, lightly. There was this eerie glow over everything because of a green garage light above us. I remember the familiar smell of her and the taste of her lips and tongue, and most surprising of all, I remember these tingling jolts of...what? Electricity? Pleasure? Maybe a mixture of both. They ran through my body and I felt alive, energized. Driving home that night, I couldn't stop shaking, like I couldn't possibly hold everything in. Had I come across a late-night traveler with a flat tire, I swear it would have been "Pffft... don't bother with that jack," and I would have lifted the thing off the ground with one hand.

They say all good things must come to an end, and this was no exception. College, and distance, and quickly fading youth all conspired against us. And whatever thoughts about her I hold today, I will say this: never again, after any physical contact with any woman, did I feel the way I did after that first kiss with Amy.

I know we're not supposed to kiss and tell...er, show, but I love this picture of her.

(After discussing it with some friends, I decided that it was best (respectful-wise)to remove the picture.)

Besides, I haven't heard from her in years. If she wants me to take it down, she can write me.

Okay, I need to take a break and steel my resolve before round two, where things get harder, and where you can really increase your scoring...although I didn't.

January 01, 2005

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of you! To ring in the new year, I thought I'd share this link to "National Geographic's Top Ten Quirkiest Stories of 2004."

1. Herring Break Wind to Communicate, Study Suggests
Schools of herring communicate by passing gas, according to an unprecedented study. The fish apparently hear the bubbles as they're expelled, helping them to find each other in the dark and form protective groups.

What's really amazing is that this happens to be the same method I use when I'm camping with friends and get lost in the woods.

December 30, 2004

Another Welcome!

Dantravels has been sending me a rather large portion of hits, so it's only fair that I add him to my blogroll. Although I don't know Dan personally, I like reading his blog, and we must think alike because his last two posts were on toys and breasts. Please take a minute or two and check it out.

December 29, 2004

Ooooh....I Want That!!!

How many times did you say that growing up? Let me refresh your memory with this list of the top 100 toys of all time**. It's amazing how many of these I owned/played. (Battling Tops rocked!! And if either of my sisters is reading this...Where's my Electronic Detective??) This one's for Ken:

#94 - Smoking Monkey
Aside from the fact that it was seriously politically incorrect on many, many levels at once, the Smoking Monkey was the source of much confusion for British youngsters, who could neither understand nor appreciate why anyone would actually want a toy chimpanzee dragging on a pretend cigarette nor indeed what possible use or purpose it might serve.

Purpose? Purpose? It's a smoking monkey...Who needs a purpose?

** When I say "all time," I really mean "historic time," as nowhere on that list did I see those prehistoric favorites the rock, the stick, or the ever-popular "Knock Out Grog And Steal His Fire," the first and only board game to be played with a real board.

UN-grateful

I'm about to say something that's probably unpopular. That's all right--I'm ready to be called mean, unfeeling, etc. That comes with putting your opinions out there for all to see. Not everyone will agree with them.

In the aftermath of the earthquake/tsunami, with the death rate continuing to rise (60,000+ last I checked), I'm pissed at the United Nations reaction. This was a terrible tragedy, without a doubt, but I can't tell you any more about it than what you'll see on the news. So I'm going to tell you something you may not have heard.

The U.S. offered aid to the region immediately after the incident. The response of U.N. Emergency Relief Coordinator Jan Egeland?

"It is beyond me why are we so stingy, really."


The "we" technically refers to "rich nations," but it's clearly a thinly veiled jab at the U.S. Now, don't get me wrong...I think we ought to send as much aid as possible to those people. But let me also say that I'd like to bitch-slap any county that even slightly criticizes our efforts. I can't help but think of them as a bunch of ungrateful relatives who have spent the entire year doing nothing but telling us and each other how much they despise us and then complaining that we only got them a tie for Christmas. (That must be what it feels like to be an attorney--everyone hates you until they need you, at which point you become their best buddy.) And even if you give a pass to other countries...The U.N.????? Should I point out some of the obvious points?

This is the organization that facilitated the biggest scam in human history, the amount of which dwarfs our aid contribution. Just think what kind of help could be provided with those funds.

As I posted on before, the "stingy" U.S. provides the lion's share of the U.N. budget. This is because member countries pay "what they can afford." Apparently, the U.S. can afford more than all the other members of the security council combined.

I know what you're all thinking: What about the debt, the back dues that the U.S. owes to the U.N.? According to Cliff Kincaid, the debt doesn't exist. In fact, Kincaid claims, were the UN to repay all the "undocumented" aid America has provided over the years, they would likely go bankrupt. (Granted, the article is old, but it's not THAT old.)

Ultimately, we'll do everything that we can. We always do. We give more aid to the rest of the world than any other country on the planet, as well we should. But soon, this disaster will drift away in the world's memory, and there will be that lull before the next one, and once again we will be the imperialist U.S. molding the rest of the world to our desires. And people--some foreign, some domestic--will hate us. Maybe it's just the cynic in me poking through, but every time it happens, I become a little more of an isolationist.

December 28, 2004

Woo-Hoo!!

Still busy with the grading thing, but had to take a moment to celebrate reaching 5,000 hits.

Also, check out the Ten Least Succesful Holiday Specials of All Time from the good people at National Lampoon.

December 25, 2004

And To All A Good Night

Well, it's technically Christmas already, but since I haven't gone to bed, I'll pretend it's still the night before.

As I approach the end of the year, and 5,000 hits, I just wanted to say "thank you" to you all. Those of you who pestered me to start this thing, and those who linked to it, or stopped by once in a while for a laugh, even those who came by to disagree...you all make doing this worthwhile. And I feel very lucky and privileged to share this small part of me with such good people.

I hope that wherever you're going, and whatever you're doing tomorrow (today?), you are happy, safe, and content. But not too content, because you need to get your asses back here and get me past the five grand hits mark.

So until then Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukah/Merry Kwanzaa/Happy Festivus (for the rest of us) and "God Bless!"/"L'Chaim!"/"As-Salaam-Alaikum!"/"Hey, Buddy!"

...And to all a good night.

December 23, 2004

He Told You So!

I caught this article from Yahoo! news, about Senator Dick Durbin's assault on Donald Rumsfeld:
The incoming deputy leader of Senate Democrats demanded answers Saturday from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld as to why U.S. soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan lack protective equipment for themselves and their vehicles.

Nothing sickens me more than when politicians use tragedy to grab a few headlines. And that's exactly what Durbin is doing here. If he really wanted to know why, he should have read this incredibly insightful opinion piece by Bruce "Nostradamus" Bartlett, from way back in 1999:
As a consequence, defense officials are scrambling to pull together the resources needed to sustain our operations there. Unfortunately, they are bumping up against severe limits resulting from the drastic deterioration of U.S. military capability during the Clinton Administration. In just fiscal year 1998 alone the Defense Department lost the following assets.

Aircraft. The number of combat aircraft fell by 434 or 4.8 percent. Sixty-two airlift planes were also retired, and 857 other aircraft. In total, 1,353 planes were taken from service, reducing the number of aircraft available by 6.6 percent.

Ships. More than 10 percent of all submarines were decommissioned, reducing the total to 123 from 137 the year before. Ten support ships were lost and 684 small boats. Overall, U.S. ship strength was reduced by 16 percent.

Combat vehicles. The number of tanks were reduced by 827 or 7.6 percent. Other combat vehicles fell by 6,360 or 14.5 percent. Overall, available combat vehicles declined by 13.1 percent.

He finishes with this:
In short, Bill Clinton's emasculation of the Defense Department is going to sandbag his successor, regardless of who it is. We can only hope that that person has the political will to do what is necessary in the face of inevitable opposition.

You may be asking yourself how the Clinton administration managed to gut our nation's defense so much. Maybe this will help. It's a few selection's from Dick Durbin's voting record. (from LexisNexis(TM))

Aye HR 2461 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION FOR FY90-91
Terminate further production of the Stealth bomber.
(CR# 167; Tally: 144-279 Date: 07/26/89)

Nay HR 5006 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FY 1993
Pass H. R. 5006, Defense Authorization.
(CR# 172; Tally: 198-168 Date: 06/05/92)

Aye HR 5006 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FY 1993
Terminate the production of B-2 bombers.
(CR# 170; Tally: 162-212 Date: 06/05/92)

Aye HR 5006 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FY 1993
Reduce the authorization for SDI by $937.5 million.
(CR# 169; Tally: 161-211 Date: 06/05/92)

Aye HR 5006 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FY 1993
Ban domestic nuclear testing for one year.
(CR# 164; Tally: 237-167 Date: 06/04/92)

Nay HR 1530 NATIONAL DEFENSE AUTHORIZATION ACT FOR FY 1996
Pass H.R. 1530, authorizing appropriations for DoD military
activities for 1996.
(CR# 385; Tally: 300-126 Date: 06/15/95)

Nay HR 7 NATIONAL SECURITY REVITILIZATION ACT
Pass H.R. 7, to revitalize the national security of the United
States.
(CR# 145; Tally: 241-181 Date: 02/16/95)

Thanks a lot, Dick.

And So Did He!

Bartlett's not the only one who saw it coming. Decorated vet Col. David Hackworth sent an open letter to President Clinton in 1998:

Hackworth raises a series of excellent questions that should be addressed not only to Clinton but to every member of Congress:

Why are there more colonels than machine gunners in the U.S. Army?

Why are there 150,000 military personnel hunkered down around Washington, DC, when infantry platoons, who close with the enemy, are uniformly 30 to 40 percent under strength?

Why does NATO have 44 U.S. Army generals in Europe when we have but four fighting brigades there? This is roughly one general per rifle/tank company.

Why do the top generals and admirals in NATO have plush villas and fat staffs which require millions of dollars per year to support, while many of our warriors live in tin trailers and can't make it without food stamps?

"Sure we have 1.4 million military personnel on the books," continues Hackworth, "but we have only 29,000 trigger pullers -- the indispensable riflemen who put holes in enemy soldiers. Your politically correct civilian defense chiefs have eviscerated our force with their constant politicking, treating the profession of arms as though it were an 8 to 5 operation like the Post Office, rather than one whose life-and-death mission is to defend America."

December 22, 2004

Was That One Lump Of Talking Spiders, Or Two?

Now...if you could combine this religion with this (previously mentioned) one...well, now you got yourself something.

Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, My Ass

I know Christmas is supposed to be a time of cheer and good will and all that, but for me it's a time of final exams, papers, and projects--all of which I have to grade. So bear with me; the pickins is gonna be slim for a while. In the meantime, have a look at the top 10 hoaxes for 2004.

December 13, 2004

Some Tech Support

I've been back and forth with blogger's tech support for some months now. The Problem? When you set your template to allow you to edit a post while signed in, you should see a little pencil at the end of each post. I couldn't see any pencil. Seeing as they're free, I can't complain about blogger too much, but their "help" consisted of several different ways of saying: "Well, we can see it so it must be something wrong at your end." I wasn't trying to blame anyone; I was merely looking for help. You know, getting it to work again? I had already guessed the problem was here somewhere, but it would have been nice if they had given me a few suggestions.

Anyway, I finally solved the problem. It was the settings on my Norton Internet Security. If any of you are having the same problem, or if you know someone who is, here's what you can try:

Open NIS and go to 'options.' Click on the 'web content' tab and add www.blogger.com to the list of sites. I also added the address for my specific blog, but I don't know if you have to or not. Once the site is added, you can adjust the individual settings for that site using the other tabs. The one that seemed to make the difference for me was permitting the 'information about visited sites,' although I don't know why exactly. But experiment with those and you might have some success.

Blasphemy!!

I was watching Ebert & Roeper this evening, as I do every Sunday. Most of the time, I find myself siding with Richard Roeper, as I think Roger Ebert has begun to let his personal views (politics) creep into his reviews. Tonight, though, he went too far. They were reviewing Beyond the Sea, and Ebert had this to say:

I think Kevin Spacey sings better than Bobby Darin.

Now, it's one thing to say that Spacey "sings like Darin," or that Spacey does a good job with the singing. It's another thing entirely to say that Spacey sings better than Darin. I've seen clips from the film, which include sections from a few of the musical numbers. I will agree that Spacey does a good job with the singing. I'll also add that those who are saying that Spacey sounds "just like" Darin probably don't know much about the music from that period. Yes, all crooners sound alike to a certain degree--often many different artists will do the same song. That's why they call the songs "standards." But it just amazes me that people will confuse Sinatra with Darin with Bennett with Harry Connick, Jr. I imagine it would be like watching a George Lucas film with Mr. Ebert and telling him that it's just like a Ridley Scott film because they both have done films about outer space and aliens. He'd laugh himself silly.

Anyway, play me a recording of the Rat Pack singing a song together, and I can tell you which lines of the song are Sinatra, which are Martin, which are Sammy, etc. Hell, I can even imitate most of them. If you run into me sometime, ask me to do Elvis singing Sinatra and Sinatra doing Elvis. (Speaking of which, Darin did a mean impression of Elvis. Find yourself a copy of "Who Takes Care of the Caretaker's Daughter" on Two of a Kind and you'll see what I mean.)

This idea that Spacey is "better," though. Yes, it's all a matter of taste, I suppose. To me, however, it's like saying that an Elvis impersonator is better than the King himself, or that Diet Dr. Pepper is better than Dr. Pepper. You see, the success of an imitation lies in the extent to which it can remind us of the original. But you must have the original as context. For example, there would be no Elvis impersonators without Elvis, no Diet Coke without Coke. In that case, it's near impossible for an imitation to be "better" than the original. Sorry, Kevin.

I realize that this is my issue, and probably means nothing to most of you. In that case, get your own blog and write about what you want to. I look forward to reading it. And I'm not against the film. Honestly, I'm glad the film's being made, and I'll be sure to see it. If, after seeing it in total, I think differently, you'll see it here. But when I see clips, I don't see Darin; I see Spacey playing Darin. And that's all right. Yeah, the lines are cool, but it's Spacey-cool, not Darin-cool. Spacey's trying too hard--it seems forced. Darin's cool, that laid-back coziness with the world, was so much a part of him, inextricable, seemingly effortless, and very tough to capture. But still, that's okay. Spacey is an actor after all. It's his job to do the best he can to capture the character. And he can sing, no doubt about it. He's even going on tour, a kind of tribute, I guess.

I just don't want people to focus so much on the imitation that they forget about the real thing.

December 12, 2004

Christmas Recycling

I sent this out in an emai to a chosen few last year, but now that I have this new, improved forum, I thought I'd share it again.

The Dead Serious Top Ten Holiday Activities

10. Contact plumber’s union about the possibility of staging a wondrous holiday musical/ballet. Title: The Buttcracker!

9. Making fruitcake for family and friends. It’s the one time a year I get to flour my nuts.

8. Making sure all the neighborhood kids know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings…and every time a car horn honks, a puppy is killed.

7. Recycling things around the house to create thoughtful, homemade gifts. Dried-gum lint roller keeps clothes lint-free AND minty-fresh.

6. Well, let’s just say that this Christmas, when I say “ho ho ho,”...I’ll be taking a head count.

5. Set out on a holy Christmas pilgrimage to find the land of the heat and cold misers.

4. I like to live on the edge: I’m makin’ a list, but I’m only gonna check it once.

3. Find some cantankerous old rich guy, and take him on a magical trip to view the Christmases of his past, present, and future. Then, when he’s pleading in front of his tombstone, take his wallet. It’s a cautionary tale—you gotta keep an eye on that sucker.

2. Stage a nativity scene with monkeys dressed like bellboys. When local church groups complain, tell them it’s a “Darwin Christmas.” Then throw monkey poop at them and run.

1. I really wanted to do something funny and clever for number one, but the truth is, I’ll probably just get liquored up and kick the shit out of an elf.

December 08, 2004

Square?? Square??

Do the two squares cancel each other out?

I got this link from Petitedov, who got it from Karol.

DDashing
EEntertaining
AAwkward
DDevious

SSquare
EEdgy
RRare
IInfluential
OOutrageous
UUseful
SSquare

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

It's True

I tried to downplay it, but since Ken let the cat out of the bag (really, someone ought to take that bag away from him), I'll acknowledge it--I'm another year older. Unfortunately, I have to teach all day long. But at least I'll get to spend this special day doing what I love...looking at young co-eds. (What? You thought I was gonna say teaching? C'mon, you should all know me by now.)

December 06, 2004

Friendly Fire

Here's a fairly candid and in-depth account of Pat Tillman's final hours. Just heartbreaking. I can't even bring myself to quote from it.

Think Again!

So, you've been keeping up on your science? Well, now that you've read about how soft drinks are harmful to your children, or how obesity kills 400,000 people a year, or how global warming has nearly made the polar bear extinct...you should read this article, which lists the top ten most embarrassing moments in health and environmental science for 2004.
The list spotlights individuals and organizations that -- through exaggerated claims, bad judgment, and/or hidden agendas -- have most egregiously undermined public confidence in the scientific community’s capacity to conduct sound and unbiased research.

JunkScience.com has exposed and debunked flawed research and unfounded scientific claims since 1996.

Re: The polar bear "extinction":
A Canadian Press Newswire story earlier this year reported that, in three Arctic villages, polar bears "are so abundant there's a public safety issue." Local polar bears reportedly increased from about 2,100 in 1997 to as many as 2,600 in 2004. Inuits wanted to kill more bears, which are "fearsome predators."

An aerial survey of Alaskan polar bears published in Arctic (December 2003) reported a greater polar bear density than previous survey estimates dating to 1987.

If polar bears are getting skinnier as the 1999 study suggested, it may be due to greater numbers subsisting on the same level of available food. After all, harvesting Alaskan polar bears has been limited by the Marine Mammal Protection Act and international agreements since 1972.

This might become one of my new favorite sites.

Please, Mr. Postman!

I finally added an email address to my profile so those of you who wish to comment, but don't want to do it publically, can do so. You can find it under my profile, but if you just can't wait, here it is:

dserious@gmail.com

So, now, I hope to hear from you quiet readers out there--you have no more excuses. And to all: I'm never above getting emails that point out how wonderful I am.

December 03, 2004

Quote Of The Day

Apparently, there's a sexual theme going tonight, but the quote made me laugh, so I had to include it.

Colin Farrell, when asked if it was true that his full-frontal nude scene from A Home at the End of the World was cut because audiences found "little Colin" a little too distracting:

I don't know. I see my cock every day and I'm not distracted. But, hey, who knows?

What might be even better is the bit with Angelina Jolie later on in the article.

He was always wearing those djellaba [togas]. Where there would normally be a pocket in pants was a pocket in the djellaba. And he would go up to people, including me, and say, 'Will you help me get this out of my pocket?' And staring up at me was his penis. I got him good, though, once. I pulled and pulled, and I stretched it so much it almost was pulled off. [bold mine]

Yeah. You got him good. I'm sure he'll never do that again. Oh, and he mentioned something about not throwing him in the briar patch.

Let's Go To The Videotape!

I was just watching Sharon Reed on Letterman. Who is Sharon Reed, you ask? Well, she's the Cleveland television news reporter who stripped down to her personality to cover Spencer Tunick's latest project: photographing thousands of nude people lounging in the Cleveland streets. I originally picked up Ms. Reed's story on my radar a couple of days ago (my radar is very closely attuned to the words "naked" and "women") but decided not to write on it. "Why not, DS?" some of you may be asking. "We know if there's something you love to get behind, it's naked women." To those people, I respond: quit writing your own jokes.

While it's true that I believe a lot of the world's ills would be corrected by including more naked people on television (Are you reading this, makers of Desperate Housewives?), the reason I haven't mentioned Ms. Reed before this is simple: I'm not that impressed. Oh sure, you can say how brave it was for this reporter to strip down and mix with the subjects of her story, but I want to make a few things clear.

First of all, Sharon Reed has the face and body of a Playboy playmate. Here's a link to some of the pics from her story. (warning: semi-nudity) And after seeing her on Letterman, I can say the pics don't do her justice--the woman is sexy as hell. So, no...I'm not impressed that she got naked. If I looked like that...Well, I'd have to start using the other restroom, but also, I'd spend a good portion of my day naked. You want me to be impressed? Let's see a reporter who DOESN'T resemble a Goddess take the assignment. That'll impress me. Barbara Walters. I'll be impressed as hell. Pre-stomach-op Al Roker. I'd give him an award. In both cases, I'd probably get a little ill, and possibly lose the ability to be aroused for several weeks, but I'd be damn impressed.

That said, congratulations to Ms. Reed for the positive reaction she has received from viewers. And for those of her fellow reporters who have sniffed and sniggered and chastised...Hey...Pal...She's hot and she wants to get naked. Shut the hell up already, and make yourself useful...Hold her clothes or something.

December 02, 2004

For Old Time's Sake

Now that Ridge is stepping down from Homeland Security, that gives me a chance to revive one of my favorite posts of all time.

Go here.