Maybe Dr. Feelgood Ought To Mind His Own Damn Business

Here's yet another reason that I think we need to tone down our scientific advances.

While Meloy, an anesthesiologist and pain specialist in Winston-Salem, was putting an electrode into the spine of a female patient with chronic back pain, the woman reported a decrease in her pain and a delightful, but very unexpected, side effect.

And before you make the same wrong guess that I did, no...it wasn't an increased desire for scantily-clad tickle fights with her attractive, adventurous ex-cheerleader girlfriend with you as referee.

"When we turned on the power in this case, she let out a moan and began hyperventilating," Meloy said on ABC News' Good Morning America. "Of course we cut the power and I looked around the drapes and asked her what was going on. Once she caught her breath, she said 'you're gonna have to teach my husband how to do that!'"

I guess the downside is that there is now one less reason for a woman to want to sleep with me. But for those of you who are already involved, this could have an upside. Just get your special lady one of these implants, say, for a birthday or anniversary. And hook it up to a remote control. (You must keep this remote on your person at all times. Remember those lab animals that kept hitting the stimulus button until they died? Well, when you come home to find your loved one dead with the remote in her hand and a shit-eating grin on her face, you'll wish you did.) Anyway, once you have the remote control, you can end almost any disagreement with a simple push of a button.

"What do you mean you had lunch with your ex?! Oh, and I suppose it was just two old friends, right?! If you think I'm just going to stand idly by why you and that who...ooh...ooh...Sweet monkey JEEZUS!"

"You were saying, dear?"

"Can't...talk..."

This doctor ought to either be beaten severely, or given a Nobel prize. I can't decide which.