I sent this out in an emai to a chosen few last year, but now that I have this new, improved forum, I thought I'd share it again.
The Dead Serious Top Ten Holiday Activities
10. Contact plumber’s union about the possibility of staging a wondrous holiday musical/ballet. Title: The Buttcracker!
9. Making fruitcake for family and friends. It’s the one time a year I get to flour my nuts.
8. Making sure all the neighborhood kids know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings…and every time a car horn honks, a puppy is killed.
7. Recycling things around the house to create thoughtful, homemade gifts. Dried-gum lint roller keeps clothes lint-free AND minty-fresh.
6. Well, let’s just say that this Christmas, when I say “ho ho ho,”...I’ll be taking a head count.
5. Set out on a holy Christmas pilgrimage to find the land of the heat and cold misers.
4. I like to live on the edge: I’m makin’ a list, but I’m only gonna check it once.
3. Find some cantankerous old rich guy, and take him on a magical trip to view the Christmases of his past, present, and future. Then, when he’s pleading in front of his tombstone, take his wallet. It’s a cautionary tale—you gotta keep an eye on that sucker.
2. Stage a nativity scene with monkeys dressed like bellboys. When local church groups complain, tell them it’s a “Darwin Christmas.” Then throw monkey poop at them and run.
1. I really wanted to do something funny and clever for number one, but the truth is, I’ll probably just get liquored up and kick the shit out of an elf.