December 12, 2004

Christmas Recycling

I sent this out in an emai to a chosen few last year, but now that I have this new, improved forum, I thought I'd share it again.

The Dead Serious Top Ten Holiday Activities

10. Contact plumber’s union about the possibility of staging a wondrous holiday musical/ballet. Title: The Buttcracker!

9. Making fruitcake for family and friends. It’s the one time a year I get to flour my nuts.

8. Making sure all the neighborhood kids know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings…and every time a car horn honks, a puppy is killed.

7. Recycling things around the house to create thoughtful, homemade gifts. Dried-gum lint roller keeps clothes lint-free AND minty-fresh.

6. Well, let’s just say that this Christmas, when I say “ho ho ho,”...I’ll be taking a head count.

5. Set out on a holy Christmas pilgrimage to find the land of the heat and cold misers.

4. I like to live on the edge: I’m makin’ a list, but I’m only gonna check it once.

3. Find some cantankerous old rich guy, and take him on a magical trip to view the Christmases of his past, present, and future. Then, when he’s pleading in front of his tombstone, take his wallet. It’s a cautionary tale—you gotta keep an eye on that sucker.

2. Stage a nativity scene with monkeys dressed like bellboys. When local church groups complain, tell them it’s a “Darwin Christmas.” Then throw monkey poop at them and run.

1. I really wanted to do something funny and clever for number one, but the truth is, I’ll probably just get liquored up and kick the shit out of an elf.


  1. You're not allowed to post such funny entries. I was reading this in the computer lab where people stared, enough said. Glad to know you're in the right spirit...
    Stage a nativity scene with monkeys dressed like bellboys. When local church groups complain, tell them it’s a “Darwin Christmas. Then throw monkey poop at them and run." Awesome.

  2. You know, when I read stuff like that, it sometimes makes me wish I did'nt drink my way out of LIU just so I could have met you in person. Funny stuff indeed!

  3. I think just based on #8 alone, you my favorite holiday wisher ever. Hilarious!!

  4. Darwin Christmas. Love it! Nothing says Merry Christmas like flying poo!