"No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To....Ow, That Smarts!"

I'm sure someone has pointed this out already, but doesn't Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford look like Chris Farley and Auric Goldfinger had a kid?

Plus

Equals

"And Rather Has The E-mails To Prove It!"

This just in from the fake television listings:

Tune in to MSNBC all this month for our special on the 50th anniversary of the JFK assassination, "November 22, 1963: Does Anyone Know Where George W. Bush Was?" Hosted by Dan Rather.

Immortal, Schmimortal...Wait, Or Is It "Imschmortal"?

This, from Gawker:

"Gabby Williams is eight years old, but looks like a newborn. She is one of only a handful of people across the world who age at an incredibly slow rate, and scientists are trying to figure out why. Once they do, the discovery could help fight Alzheimer's, and even give us an aging 'off switch,' which would give humans the chance to stay the same age... pretty much forever."

Apparently, you scientists have never seen a '70s Sci-fi movie. Stopping the aging process is just one of those things you shouldn't do because it's never going to end well. You know, like making apes super smart, or making machines super smart, or making Kardashians super smart.

Blah Blah Blah Ingrid Haas!

Ingrid Haas (whom I've posted about before) could possibly be the hottest woman on the planet. Even with a possible fictional venereal disease. Check her out in the short film "Blessing in Disguise."


Blessing in Disguise from Eric Kissack on Vimeo.

"Katie just found out that she has an incurable venereal disease. Enter the man of her dreams."

With Great Apologies to Johnny Rivers

This little ditty began when I was watching reports of the Anthony Weiner scandal and started humming upon hearing Weiner's nom de porn, "Carlos Danger." It should be sung to the tune of Johnny Rivers' "Secret Agent Man," which, if you're not familiar, can be found in a YouTube video at the end of the post.

There’s a man who goes by Carlos Danger.
He likes to show his package off to strangers.
If you’ve got curvy hips,
He’ll let you see the tip.
Odds are he won’t get the job of mayor.

Secret Weiner Man,
Secret Weiner Man
He just keeps sending selfies,
Anthony’s got no shame.

Beware of naked pictures he will send,
It’s clear he wants to be more than a friend.
He’ll send a dirty text,
To tell you what’s coming next (he is!)
He really shouldn’t get the job of mayor.

Secret Weiner Man
Secret Weiner Man
Send a photo of your business,
And he’ll send you back the same.

He’ll promise voters better lives on one day,
Then promise you a Politico job the next day.
He does the apology dance,
He wants yet another chance,
Please don’t give this man the job of mayor.

Secret Weiner Man
Secret Weiner Man
If you send him to Gracie Mansion,
You’ve got only yourselves to blame.

By the way, it's sheer, humorous coincidence that the name of the album is "...and I know you wanna dance," which sounds like it could have come straight out of one of Weiner's correspondences. You'll also notice it includes other Weiner-appropriate titles, such as "The Snake," "In the Midnight Hour," and "I Can't Help Myself."

Looking For A Good Read?

Well, you're here, so...probably not. But on the off chance that you are, I'm going to share a link to Ken Wheaton's newest novel, Bacon & Egg Man. Here's the review I posted over at Amazon:

Like Brave New World and 1984, But Without All the Optimism.

Ken Wheaton's second novel (after The Grand Prairie Rabbit Festival) not only takes on the "nanny state," it takes it out behind the woodshed for a whuppin'. The characters are lively, and the writing itself flows smoothly, and--more importantly--is funny. But the real treasure here is the world he creates. It's dystopian, it's somber, but it's not so unfamiliar that we don't recognize our own world in its lineage. As someone who pays attention to current events, I relished finding every little allusion to them in this cautionary comedy. Like a photoshopped photograph imagining our older selves, Wheaton shows us the over-regulated, over-protective world that Wes lives in, our world, where the nanny state mentality has continued ad absurdum. And like the photograph, we laugh at its ridiculousness, but somewhere, in the far corners of our mind, we also despair of its possible truth.

Great dystopian novels always feature the noble struggle of the individual against the collective machine of society, whether it's R.P. McMurphy, John the Savage, Winston Smith, or Guy Montag. I put Wes Montgomery right up there with the rest of them, because I really, really like bacon.

Buy it. Read it. You won't be sorry. 

Seriously, buy it. If you have a Kindle or Nook or even a Kindle app on your smartphone, you can get it for only 99 cents!! Think about it--you can't even get a blank book for that much. And this one has words in it! Plus, just like The Hunger Games, the Harry Potter series, and Game of Thrones, when they make this bad boy into a movie, all the people that read the novels first can be all judgmental and pretentious. Who doesn't want to be a part of that?

It's Exactly The Same, Except It's Different

Saw this one on facebook today:

Those horrible, horrible Republicans! How could they do this?! I mean, it's not like the House leadership passed their own version of the VAWA, that was closer to the previous version than the one the Senate passed, which added some new provisions, right? Wait..they did?! Well, what the fuck, then, pink sign?!

Look, we all know that violence against women is awful. Domestic violence particularly so. That's why I find this graphic so vile--it uses this tragic topic for purely political purposes. It clearly implies that House republicans don't care about violence against women, and as a result, have decided not to renew this important piece of legislation. Well, here's the truth--the Senate added three new provisions for the new VAWA:

1. It gives Native-American tribal authorities expanded authority to prosecute cases of violence that occur on reservations.
2. It specifically bans discrimination against gays, lesbians, and transgender victims by domestic violence organizations that receive federal funds.
3. It would raise the number of visas given to illegal aliens who are victims of domestic violence above the current cap of 10,000.

These are the sticking points for the House, at least as I understand them. I'll be honest--I don't really have any problem with any of them. I understand the apparent arguments being made against them. That they give undue authority to N.A. tribal police, that the law as written previously covers G/L/TG victims, so there's no need to single them out, and that the cap is there for a reason. I just don't see them as being as big of a concern as the House does. But here's the thing: if you want to have an argument on the merits of these additions, then HAVE THAT ARGUMENT! But to make people think that the House leadership just doesn't want to pass a VAWA, when in fact they've already passed their own version, is just disingenuous, overly partisan, and frankly, really disgusting. It's amazing to what depths people will sink when they feel the end (voting out republicans) justifies the means (creating some bullshit graphic that unfairly (and untruthfully) paints a picture of political opponents).