Frank Drebin, RIP.

The world is now a less funny place.

My Travel Policy

If you touch my junk, I'm gonna have you arrested. No, wait...not "arrested." Sorry. I meant "rewarded."

It's All Greek To Me

Followers of a religion have a right to build a church anywhere they want.
Rebuilding, apparently, is a different story.

"former Gov. George E. Pataki and a Greek-American Congressional candidate...make their case: Government officials who appear to be clearing the way for the center, which includes a mosque, are blocking the reconstruction of St. Nicholas Church, the only house of worship destroyed in the terrorist attacks."

It's Orthodox Greekaphobia!!

The Party of No...Coverage, That Is.

Can we please dispense with the idea that the Republicans have no ideas for the economy? Please?

Why has this not been getting press? Ryan is one of the smartest guys on the hill.

Where's Michael Moore When You Need Him?

Remember when President Bush got roundly criticized for golfing instead of running the country?

The Telegraph does.

Mr Obama's Sunday golf game prompted anger in Poland, where the Warsaw Business Post carried a headline reading: "Obama goes golfing instead of attending Kaczynskis' funeral".

Yeah, That's RIght...Screw You AND Bullwinkle!

Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts

Fuck Off, Switzerland

I mean, why bother extraditing a rapist? It's not like he was a danger, you know? I mean, she wanted it, and besides, she set him up for the money. And I'm sure if we ask two of his other victims, they'd say the same thing.

Latest Polanski Accuser: 'I Was Raped Repeatedly'

...or maybe not.

Channeling Mandy Patinkin

"They keep on using that word. I do no think it means what they think it means."

Transparency: noun; the condition of being transparent.
Transparent: adj; open to public scrutiny.

Yippie-Kay-Ay, Perfumesniffer!

Just in case you wondered what "badass" smells like... (hopefully not like bad ass.)

"Bruce Willis cologne: when you want to blow shit up, but smell good doing it."

Healing Hands of Time, My Ass

Two things I've learned from this: 1) Will Smith
apparently never ages, possibly because of a portrait hidden in his
attic, and 2) Matt Dillon was once a lovely young lady.

35 Teen Idols Then and Now

An Inconvenient Masseuse?

Looks like there's something else he should have kept in a lockbox.

Granted, it's the Enquirer, but they've been pretty good with this sort of thing.

No Rants. No Funny.

My good friend Ken Wheaton is running in a half-marathon to help stop leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin lymphoma and myeloma from taking more lives. Please help him raise money for this excellent cause! You can donate any amount, and I'm sure he'll be appreciative for even a $5 donation. You can read more (and donate) at his Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training page.

LOST and Confused

I think my feelings about the series finale of "LOST" would be best expressed through interpretive dance...no, wait. Not interpretive dance. That would require kicking myself in the nuts several times. The second best expression would be through a new theme song. Like one of those ones from the 60s and 70s, where you had to explain the concept in the song itself. So here it is. You all know the tune.

Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip.

That started from Australia

Aboard this flying ship.

Hugo was a mighty wealthy man,

The doctor brave and fair.

Six passengers took flight that day

On Oceanic Air. On Oceanic Air.

The sky was getting turbulent;

The plane was torn in two.

The pilot died from injuries,

And Kate’s armed escort, too. And Kate’s armed escort, too.

The plane touched down on the beach of an uncharted tropic isle.

With Doctor Jack

And Sawyer too

The crippled guy and his chair.

The pregnant girl,

Polar bears, black smoke too

What will these characters do?

So join us here each week my friends,

You’re sure to feel abused,

If nothing is explained on LOST

The viewer just gets used.

Go Figure

Should I be surprised that a President without any previous executive experience would pick a nominee without any judicial experience for the Supreme Court?

Mmmmm.....Pie

Well, I'm glad to see that the AP is going after those hard-hitting Obama stories:


White House adviser spills secret: Obama loves pie!

Also, I'm sure, back rubs, kittens, and long walks in the rain.

If They Had Only Read It First

Well, as Nancy Pelosi said, they passed it so we could see what's in it. From the Washington Examiner: Five things we learned about Obamacare after it passed. Check out this gem:

Despite all of Obama's promises and talking points, Obamacare as passed by Congress does not require insurers to cover children with expensive pre-existing medical conditions.

I'd Fly A Mile (High) For A Camel

I'm sure you've all heard about the Qatari diplomat who was caught smoking on a commercial flight and then joked that he was trying to light his shoes, a reference to Richard Reid, the "shoe bomber."

It seems there was a rumor that the diplomat had (or said he had) a particularly pungent bowel movement and was just lighting a match to get rid of the smell. I find this really hard to believe, as every diplomat I've ever met firmly believes his shit don't stink.

Really?

So, according to an Easter Rasmussen poll, 99% of Evangelicals, 92% of Catholics, and 88% of other protestants believe Jesus is the son of God. Here's a little news flash for the other 1%/8%/12%:

If you don't believe Jesus is the son of God, then you ain't Evangelical/Catholic/other protestant. That's just the way it works. Believing in the divinity of Jesus Christ is the core belief of Christianity. That's why they call it "Christianity" and not "Random Beliefism." Oh, sure. I hear what you're saying. You go to church every week and say your prayers. But honestly? If you're going to church once a week and talking to a god you don't believe is actually there? You're just a socialite with a mental condition.

No No No No No!!!

Just saw a Dodge commercial with the line "and oh yeah--it literally gave birth to all other minivans."

If I have to explain to you why this is so wrong, you won't care that it is.

It's All In The Slogan

Toyota: There's No Stopping Us!!

Best Headline Of The Week

Man sues airline for not looking at his scrotum

I wasn't even aware that was an option. Let's just say that I could have been a very rich man.

(Apparently, airports have all these "rules" about having to actually be traveling somewhere to get a strip search.)

Fuck You, Academy

This is why I hate the Oscars. I'm watching the DVR of last night's events and I notice that they failed to include Farrah Fawcett in their "In Memoriam" section of the show. I figured it had to be some oversight on their part, but no--I do a quick search and find out that not only am I apparently the last person to notice this, the Academy has claimed it's NOT an oversight, saying “unfortunately we don’t include everyone.” They saw their way clear to include Michael Jackson, though. Apparently, his performance in The Wiz, alongside Nipsy Russel, was enough of a film credit to qualify him. And I'm sure that's what everyone thinks of when they hear his name. "Michael Jackson? Isn't he the guy that played Scarecrow in that delightful Broadway version of The Wizard of Oz?" I just can't fathom why they would leave her out. I have seen some people speculate that she was a "television actress" and therefore shouldn't have been included. Again, I would point out Jackson's inclusion, but I would also mention that not only was she a member of the Academy for 40 years*, but she starred in such critically acclaimed films as Extremities and The Apostle, for which she was nominated for a Golden Globe and Independent Spirit Award, respectively. She most definitely should have been included, and frankly, this just adds insult to injury, as I feel her passing was all but forgotten when Jackson died the same day.

Fuck you, Academy. Fuckyou fuckyou fuckyou.

* Unlike, apparently, Sean Penn, who was invited to join in 2004, but according to his own rambling, incoherent narrative last night never became an "official" member. I'm pretty sure that anything other than an "official" member means "not a member." At least that's what they told me when I tried to justify hanging around the girls' swim team locker room by calling myself a member of the team.

Welcome to the Family, Little X-1

The wife of one of my friends is a MA liberal. She writes about how Obamacare will save the world, end war, and provide blow jobs for the homeless...or something like that. To be honest, I don't read all that closely. But I did notice in one of her recent diatribes, she came out with this gem:

I have three kids, and bring them to the doctor A LOT. At more than $160 per sick visit, that is too steep for me w/out medical insurance.

Now I like my friend, and although I don't know his wife all that well, she seems like a nice enough person. After reading this, however, my first thought was "if you're complaining about the medical costs for three children, then maybe, just maybe...YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THREE FUCKING KIDS!" I can't tell you how irritating I find this kind of person. The "it's my choice what to do with my life and my body and don't you try to tell me how to live my life" people who then want the government to assist them when they are in over their heads. (And since governments don't create wealth so much as they distribute it through our taxes, guess where that assistance is really coming from.) This shouldn't come as a surprise to any adult: having children costs money. Especially if you want to take them to the doctor, instead of a good home leeching or mustard plaster. Children are little people; they are not accessories or status symbols. They get sick. They need medication and shots. They even occasionally bump into things or fall and break bones. If you're not aware of that, you shouldn't be having children. And if you can't afford to take the proper care, you shouldn't be having them. Or instead of having X number of children, perhaps have X-1.

Look, I firmly believe that everyone should be able to have as many children as they want to....IF they can pay for them. But somebody tell me why on Earth I and others like me, who live responsibly and within our means, should be taxed for programs such as government health care because you didn't take into account your kids' stomach flu. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck paying child support for a kid I didn't even have. I'm getting screwed, and I'm not even getting screwed.

I have nothing against kids. But you, you people with your broods of five or six or more that you can't afford? You are no better than those people who took out mortgages for houses they couldn't afford, and contributed to the economic fiasco that followed.

I know one couple, friends of mine, who are trying to decide between having children or buying a house. They realize that even though they both make fairly decent incomes, they can't afford both right now. Good for them.

Call me a dick if you want to, but just remember: I'm not the one who's doing anything that's going to increase your taxes to pay for my lifestyle choices.

Promises, Promises

Here's some "hope and change" for you, as in "I HOPE no one remembers I promised this, now that I've CHANGED my mind."

Hat tip to Scott Baio. Yes, THAT Scott Baio.

And One More For Luck

I've already added 50 films to my "best of the decade" list, but I wish I'd seen this one before I did, as it surely would have held a place on the list. Flame and Citron is a beautifully shot and acted film. Thinking back over it, I can't seem to find a misstep anywhere. The two leads, Thure Lindhardt and Mads Mikkelsen, were just mesmerizing. Lindhardt's IMDB page says he is known in his native Denmark as "the Man With a Thousand Faces" because he so completely disappears into widely disparate roles. I can believe it. I was blown away by the performances of both men. If you have a chance, check this gem of a film out. It's what Valkyrie and Inglorious Basterds could have been.

The "Best" And "Worst" Films Of The Decade

Yeah, I know--everyone's making these lists. So why should you give a shit about mine? I honestly don't know. I don't know if anyone even reads this thing anymore, but I took the time to sit down and make the list, so I'm damn sure going to include it here.

A couple of points:

• I have "best" and "worst" in quotes because I'm not really maintaining these are the best or worst films of the decade. The best list should rightly be called "my favorites." For example, I'm sure there have been any number of great films over the last decade that I haven't seen. I could probably name them, but I'm not including them. And the worst list is even more vaguely defined. Here, I've included not only "bad" films, but films that I thought were vastly overrated. (Some of them are on a lot of "best of the decade" lists!) As with the other extreme, I'm sure that there were some really terrible films out there, but I wasn't stupid enough to waste my time with them. Let me repeat: these are only movies I have seen.
  
• I didn't run the numbers, but it feels like I have a lot of recent ones. Even though I hate lists that do that, I can't help it--it's tough to think of the older films.
• The list is alphabetical*
  
• I know...the list isn't complete. I just thought I'd put it up here until I finished.
  

The Best:

1. Amelie(2001)
2. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy(2004)
   
3. Apocalypto(2006)
   
4. Batman Begins(2005)
5. Black Hawk Down(2001)
   
6. The Bourne Identity(2002)
7. Brick(2005)
   
8. Casino Royale(2006)
9. The Dark Knight(2008)
   
10. The Descent(2005)
11. District B13(2004)
    
12. Elf(2003)
    
13. The Fall(2006) 
14. Finding Nemo(2003)
15. The Gift(2000)
    
16. Gone Baby Gone(2007)
    
17. Gran Torino(2008)
18. Grizzly Man(2005)
19. Iron Man(2008)
20. Joy Ride(2001)
    
21. King Kong(2005) 
22. The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters(2007)
    
23. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang(2005)
24. The Last Samurai(2003)
25. Let the Right One In(2008)
    
26. The Lord of the Rings trilogy(2001/2002/2003)
27. The Magdeline Sisters(2002)
    
28. Man on Wire(2008)
    
29. Memento(2000)
30. Oldboy(2003)
31. The Reader(2008)
    
32. Requiem for a Dream(2000)
33. Shaun of the Dead(2004)
    
34. Sin City(2005)
35. Sin Nombre(2009)
36. Spartan(2004)
    
37. Spider-Man(2002)
38. Sunshine(2007)
    
39. Tae Guk Gi(2004)
40. Taken(2008)
41. Things We Lost in the Fire(2007)
42. Towelhead(2007)
    
43. Unbreakable(2000)
    
44. Unleashed(2005)
45. Venus(2006)
    
46. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit(2005)
    
47. Watchmen(2007)
    
48. Whale Rider(2002)
49. The World's Fastest Indian(2005)
    
50. The Wrestler(2008)

The Worst:

1. The Departed(2006)*
2. Kill Bill, volumes 1&2(2003/2004)*
3. Slumdog Millionaire(2008)*
4. 88 Minutes(2008)
   
5. Basic Instinct 2(2006)
6. A Beautiful Mind(2001)
   
7. Borat(2006) 
8. Catwoman(2004)
   
9. Click(2007)
   
10. Cloverfield(2008)
    
11. Crash(2004) 
12. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon(2000)
    
13. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button(2008)
    
14. Dawn of the Dead(2004)
    
15. The Day After Tomorrow(2004)
16. Death-Proof(2007)
17. The Devil's Rejects(2005)
    
18. Disaster Movie(2008)
    
19. Fahrenheit 9/11(2004)
20. Freddy vs. Jason(2003)
21. Friday the 13th(2009)
    
22. Halloween(2007)
23. Halloween II(2009)
    
24. High Fidelity(2000)
    
25. Hostel, Part II(2007)
    
26. I Know Who Killed Me(2007)
27. Inglorious Basterds(2009)
28. Knowing(2009)
29. My Bloody Valentine(2009)
    
30. Nature's Grave(2008)
    
31. One Missed Call(2008)
    
32. Planet of the Apes(2000)
33. Prom Night(2008)
    
34. Righteous Kill(2008)
    
35. Rollerball(2002)
36. The Room(2003)
    
37. Signs(2001)
38. Sleuth(2007)
    
39. Snakes on a Plane(2006)
40. The Spirit
    
41. Superman Returns(2006)
42. Train(2008)
    
43. The Wicker Man(2006)

* You probably noticed that the first three "worst" films are out of alphabetical order. That's because those three boggle my mind. Two of them were Oscar winners. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. They weren't terrible films, but I wouldn't even have put any of them in the top 10 for their respective years. I know people disagree over matters of taste, but I look at those films and I truly can't understand how anyone could possibly put those in a "best of" list. They're not terrible films. I just find them to be...mediocre, at best. The Departed, despite having a slew of great actors, was acted amazingly poorly, the bad accents made me wince (yeah, I'm talking to you, Sheen), and the plot was illogical and full of huge holes. Kill Bill is yet another mishmash of "stuff that Quentin thinks is cool," and I really resent that it was split into two films because a) it didn't need to be, and b)of course it was about the money. Get an editor, Quentin. That said, the second installment was much better. Slumdog is the one I am least offended by, but still...it's so caught up in its gimmick that you can never really become interested in the characters. Forget about the fact that we know the main character survives from the beginning, which tends to reduce any sense of suspense or danger we might feel. What really bothered me is that every time I started getting interested in the characters, the film jumped to a different time. To be honest, I would have rather watched a complete two-hour film about any of the various incarnations of the characters (like the young boy looking to meet his hero). I wanted a film that fully developed the characters. Instead, I feel like I got a bunch of different characters that I never really got to know, and consequently never cared about.