February 28, 2005

I'm In With The In Crowd

It's heartening to know that Petitedov, The New Vintage, and I had almost the same opinion of the Oscars.

One thing I did want to mention (although Petitedov beat me to it) was Salma's description of Che Guevara as a "youthful idealist." Now, granted, we should judge the film on its content and not the later life of its main character. I just hope the Academy is as enthusiatic about my new film project--just in time for next year's Oscars. It's going to be a buddy pic about a young house painter named Hitler and a seminary student named Stalin.

My Point Exactly

Why is it that in the U.S. we're still re-hashing films that have already been made, while in South Korea, they're coming up with cool ideas like this.

A Summer Reading List?

Random House's list of the 100 best novels, along with the 100 best as chosen by their readers. Apparently the readers really, really like Ayn Rand and L. Ron Hubbard.

Of course, I was immediately turned off by the RH's number one. Ulysses? Really? That's the best you can do? I was an English major and I wouldn't read the damn thing again if you paid me. I actually find the list a little pretentious. No Hemingway until #45? Please. Two Henry James novels in the top 30??? Have any of you ever read Henry James? They used to use his novels instead of anesthetic before operations. They've got The Maltese Falcon, but nothing by Chandler? No The Big Sleep? I might just have to go down to Random House and bitch-slap someone. Or pay Kenny to do it.

P.S. One upside: It doesn't deserve #7, but I really like Catch-22.

Sex Ed For Girls, Texas Style

Laura Bush's 10 Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys and Their Privates.

And Just So The Boys Don't Feel Left Out

We have this site.

There Goes The Neighborhood

Looks like the Dutch are pulling up stakes, packing up their wooden shoes and beating a hasty retreat. From the New York Times:

This small nation is a magnet for immigrants, but statistics suggest there is a quickening flight of the white middle class. Dutch people pulling up roots said they felt a general pessimism about their small and crowded country and about the social tensions that had grown along with the waves of newcomers, most of them Muslims."The Dutch are living in a kind of pressure cooker atmosphere," Mr. Hiltemann said.

Of course, some of this fear results from incidents like the death of film maker Theo Van Gogh. Criticize the way Muslim women are treated, get your throat cut. They should be thankful they don't have skyscrapers. (If I'm not mistaken, their tallest building is under 500 ft., or just under a third of the height of the twin towers of the WTC.)

So now, I guess we just wait for the inevitable New York Times editorial that will tell us that the Dutch deserve the kind of violence that Van Gogh experienced. It couldn't possibly be unwarranted; it must be some kind of retalliation. I for one welcome it because if people like Ward Churchill are right, and the victims of militant Islam bring the violence upon themselves, I'd really like to find out just what the Dutch did. Maybe when that kid stuck his finger in the hole and plugged up the dyke, he kept the water from flowing to Baghdad

It's interesting to note that in the article linked to above discussing Van Gogh's death, his murderer apparently had a motive besides Van Gogh's controversial film.

Investigators revealed that Bouyeri's motivation to kill was likely sparked by the movie Submission and further aggravated by his hate of the western world and those who refused to accept Islamic values. (emphasis mine)

UPDATE: Petitedov and New Vintage have some insight on this. Check them out.

Can I Borrow Your Towel? My Car Just Hit A Water Buffalo.

I have to say that I was extremely disappointed that Hollywood was going to remake one of my favorites comedies--Fletch--even though Kevin Smith was involved. Actually, extremely disapointed doesn't cut it. I hated the idea, much like I hate the idea of remaking The Pink Panther with Steve Martin and Kevin Kline. What is wrong with you people??? Don't you have any original ideas??? Steve...Kevin...do you really need the money that badly??? Because I will take up a collection to stop this movie from reaching the screen, if it comes to that.

Anyway, the point is that I felt that Jason Lee was just not going to be able to fill Chevy's shoes on this one. However...

A new rumor has softened me somewhat. The buzz going around now is that Lee just doesn't have the face/name to "open" a movie, so the new frontrunner is none other than Zach Braff, from TVs Scrubs. So while I certainly don't think that he can fill Chevy's shoes, I think he's very well suited to bring something of his own to the character while still paying tribute to the original.

Playing With Balls

Over at ESPN, you can vote for the hottest actress in a sports-themed film. Ordinarily, I'd go with none of the above and choose someone like Yasmine Bleeth from Baseketball. Unfortunately, since I saw that mug shot of her cocaine arrest, I find that I can't sleep unless I curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. Good god, if that doesn't get kids to stop doing drugs, nothing will.

I'm also sure that there's a good number of men out there complaining because others weren't included on the list. Keira Knightley in Bend it Like Beckham, for example.

Although I'm not really a fan of her or the movie, I voted for Jessica Biel in Summer Catch.

Well, Where The Hell Was I?

I guess that some celebrities have it just as rough as the rest of us. It's hard to believe, but Teri Hatcher says that she thought about paying for sex.
The Desperate Housewives actress says she went without sex for four years following her break-up from husband John Tenney.

She said: "I thought about a male hooker. It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out.

"You would feel safe saying. 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'"

I would just like to say to any other beautiful, horny actresses out there that I am available for any "carpet cleaning" that needs to be done. As far as the money changing hands, let's not worry about that. Besides, I can't afford to pay that much.

February 27, 2005

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Every year, I swear I will never watch the Oscars again. And every year, I do it anyway, and then somewhere along the way, I begin to wish that I had beaten my head in with a shovel. This year was no exception.

High points:

Robin Williams was funny as always, even though I think he missed the joke. Elmer Fudd replacing Brando in Streetcar? Too easy. Elmer replacing fellow baldy Brando in Apocolypse Now? All I can say is "The howwow...The howwow."

One of my favorite groups, Counting Crows, even if Adam Duritz was sporting Sideshow Bob's hairstyle. So, he dated both Jennifer Anniston AND Courtney Cox?...Really?...Huh.

A nice tribute to Carson. Even dead, that guy brings class to everything he touches.

Jamie Foxx--I was afraid the Academy was going to do him dirty and give him the supporting award instead of the one he deserved. (Sorry, Clint.)

Low Points:

What's with the "guess where the next presenter is coming from" format? Whoever had that idea should be shot. And then the winners stepped up to an aisle mike like they were in a late night show skit. I kept expecting Biff to rush up and give them a canned ham.

Sean Penn...Every time I see the guy, I wonder what planet he's living on.

Renee Zellweger...Why does she always look like she's about to sneeze?

Pierce Brosnan and the animated costumer from The Incredibles presenting together? Pierce looked like he was ready to die of shame.

I have to say that I'm not that impressed with Chris Rock so far. He said it himself in the monologue...sometimes you just need a star. I don't think he's quite "big enough" for the job.

That's it for now, but I reserve the right to add items to the list as I remember them.

UPDATE: Clint Eastwood's mother at the awards? Daaaaaaammmmnn. And you thought Clint was one tough sumbitch.

UPDATE: It's the next morning, and I still can't "Accidentally in Love" out of my head. It may not have won best song, but it's still one of those catchy tunes, kind of like that "MmmmBop" song by Hanson. That's another one you just can't get out of your head...Oh crap.

February 26, 2005

Random Thought

I know you're not supposed to stick the Q-Tip in your ears, but it feels sooo...damn...good. It's like a little eargasm.

February 24, 2005

Caption This! Part 15

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! For my next trick, I will proceed to drink a glass of water while Senor Putie sings "Lady of Spain."

Oedipus Wrecked

This has to be the funniest thing I've read so far this year. Many thanks to PetiteDov for making me laugh so hard I cried...and in front of colleagues, no less.

I May Be Poor, But I'll Be Rich In Music

I'm not one for frivolous purchases. I mostly spend my money (the little bit that doesn't go to bills, anyway) on movies or books. But since Ken introduced me to woot!, I've been hooked, checking it daily. I've made a couple of small purchases there, but they finally made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I just bought the "Rockford Fosgate WiFi Car/Home Audio Bundle" for $199.99 plus $5 shipping. My understanding is that the bundle consists of two major components and two wireless adaptors. The first component is a console that connects to your stereo to your computer using one of the wireless adapters. This way, you can play all those wonderful MP3s you've got on your computer through your home stereo instead of those cheesy computer speakers. It's got a remote, too. The second component (the one I really wanted) consists of a 20 Gig portable hard drive and a stereo-type faceplate that go into your car. You can hook the drive to your PC via USB and transfer all those MP3s, or you can use the other wireless adaptor to trasfer them. You can even have them transferred automatically while you sleep. Then you can play all that music through your car stereo.

Now I know what you're saying--"DS, have you gone mad?! You, of all people, swayed by flashy technology, like a magpie after a shard of glass! O' the shame of it!" But as I said, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. If you've followed the product links above, you'll see that Crutchfield offers three of the four products in the bundle. The total? $439.97. I just got all four for less than half that.

So I may have to tighten the belt a little. I may not have food. I may not have electricity. I may not have internet access. I may not even have gas to drive anywhere. But as long as that car battery holds out, by God, I'll have Music!

February 22, 2005

Too Much Loathing, Not Enough Fear

People are bound to let you down eventually.

Hunter S. Thompson, whose life and writing, vivid and quirky reflections of each other, made him one of the principal symbols of the American counterculture, shot and killed himself yesterday at his home near Aspen.
I have no respect for someone who commits suicide and pisses away his talent. Punk ass.

February 20, 2005

Figures Lie; Liars Figure

Unbelievable. I just saw on my local news a story describing a "social insecurity" calculator on NY Senator Charles Schumer's web site. I followed the link, already knowing what I could expect. Schumer didn't disappoint. It took me all of about 10 minutes to rip holes in their calculations. I'm no economist, though, so I'll give you some links to a few places that can explain it better than I.

Andrew Roth over at Social Security Choice
His Update, containing links to (among others):
The Heritage Foundation
The Cato Institute (includes their own calculator)
A couple of posts at Political Calculations

My Apologies

On the recent lack of posting (or at least the lack of consistency). Of course, the academic year is always a little busier for me than the summer, but lately I've been particularly busy. Not only have I developed a little bit of a social life, I have also been frantically trying to apply for a number of full-time positions. Add to that the tutoring and directed studies I've taken on to try to make up for this semester's lost classes, and...Well, something's got to give.

Keep checking in, and I'll keep trying to post on a (semi) regular basis. Deal?

(Although I know most of you are probably here looking for Colin Farrell's finger or Justice League porn.)

I'm Not Exactly Beaming, But...

Yes, I'm a little proud. Not only did Ann Coulter come out with a column on Ward Churchill and his "free speech" which said pretty much the same thing I did, she even used similar examples:

If a math professor's "speech" consisted of insisting that 2 plus 2 equals 5, or an astrophysicist's "speech" was to claim that the moon is made of Swiss cheese, or a history professor's "speech" consisted of rants about the racial inferiority of the n-----s, each one of them could be fired by a state university without running afoul of the constitution.

Just because we don't have bright lines for determining what speech can constitute a firing offense, doesn't mean there are no lines at all. If Churchill hasn't crossed them, we are admitting that almost nothing will debase and disgrace the office of professor (except, you know, suggesting that there might be innate differences in the mathematical abilities of men and women).

and mine:

Is Ward forcing his views upon his students? Is he indoctrinating them in his own radical beliefs? This is what CU should be investigating, the same as if they received word of a math professor teaching that 1+1=11, or a geography professor who continually lectures his students that the world is flat.

Now, I'm a believer in the protection of free speech, even when it's unpopular. However, I also believe that the right of free speech is not absolute. There's always the old example of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater, but you could also consider libel/slander laws, or even those court cases in which people were arrested for using profane language in public places. (The "cussin' canoeist" case was overturned on appeal, but people are still being charged under the same law.) We have to balance the right of individual expression with the possible harmful effect(s) it may have on others in the community.

I'd suggest that "great minds think alike," but that's just scary.

February 16, 2005

An Impotent Announcent

Breaking news from the "Uh...dude, you're on your own" department:

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A New Jersey man has filed a false advertising lawsuit against a maker of herbal penis enlargement pills, alleging the medicine does not fulfill its promises, the plaintiff's lawyer said on Monday.

Two similar cases, filed last year in Colorado and Ohio, accuse manufacturers of herbal dietary supplements, VigRx and Enzyte, of falsely claiming to be able to add substantial length and girth to a man's penis.

All three suits seek class action status and claim to represent more than 1 million total plaintiffs.


Caption This! Part 14

Lillian feels a prick for the first time since behind the carousel at the '31 World's Fair.

Robster Craws? What The Fuck Are 'Robster Craws?'

This just in from the "Take that, PETA!" department:
A new study out of Norway concludes it's unlikely lobsters feel pain, stirring up a long-simmering debate over whether Maine's most valuable seafood suffers when it's being cooked.

The study did, however, discover that butter suffers in unbearable agony while being melted.

Hey! I Don't Salivate!

Jeff Jarvis has a couple of excellent posts up "defending" bloggers in the wake of the Eason Jordan fiasco.

So why are some of these journalists attacking the bloggers with such spittle and spite, with the kind of invective they usually try to keep out of their columns (Steve Lovelady called us not just a lynch mob but "salivating morons," stooping to the level of intelligence, subtlety, nuance, and articulation of an Oliver Willis fuss)? Yes, it's jealousy. Yes, it's fear. But it's also truly about not understanding how this world could possibly operate. These are the people who used to control the news and they think it's now uncontrolled; they think that's bad.

Those who choose to chastise bloggers need to focus on two important facts. The first is that many bloggers out there (myself included) have graduate or undergraduate degrees in English and/or experience in journalism; we aren't complete neophytes. Regardless, simply because one has a vocation unrelated to media doesn't mean one can't have a basic sense of integrity and ethics. There are many bloggers out there who, I believe, have a higher degree of integrity than, say, The NY Times (presently, anyway). The Times is still getting away with stuff like this:

In September, conservative bloggers exposed flaws in a report by Dan Rather; he subsequently announced that on March 9 he would step down as anchor of the "CBS Evening News."

You'll note that the bloggers are lumped together as "conservative," yet Rather--despite the fact that his political views are well known--is not labeled as a liberal. The meaning? Mainstream media is objective; bloggers are biased. No mention of the politically charged nature of the "report." No mention of the fact that what cost Rather were not the "flaws" (which, for the record, I think is a really nice way to say "forged documents." Maybe we could start using this delivery in other fields. "Well, Mr. Jones, you have an inoperable 'flaw' in your lungs the size of a golf ball.") in the report, but rather (no pun intended) his stubbornness and arrogance in refusing to admit what nearly all of his viewers could see was obvious. Try posting a sentence like the one above on a well-read blog and see how long it lasts untarnished.

The other fact so often neglected in at least one important way by the mainstream media is one that they themselves report with more than a hint of foreboding--people are listening. Those, like Lovelady, who are so busy calling us "lynch mobs" and "salivating morons," are not asking themselves the important question, which is: Why are bloggers able to exert such pressure? Why are so many turning to the various blogs out there for their information? What is it that we are giving people that the mainstream media is not (besides fodder for our posts, that is)? Maybe it's a chance to respond in a comments section, to feel like part of the process. Free exchange of ideas is a seductive idea, and one not readily practiced in the MSM. Maybe it's the fact that people understand that unlike the mainstream media, most of us do this without making a cent. There's something appealing about the idea of men and women giving up time and effort to pursue the news, especially in a county often labeled apathetic. I know I'm amazed at the work done by some of the bloggers out there. Whatever the reason, however, the monopoly on information is over, and as it is in any free market, those who supply the best product will thrive.

Mainstream media needs to pick up the lesson that the Democrats should have learned from the last election--It's not enough to belittle your opponents and count on public dissatisfaction to Kerry carry you through; you have to improve your own image. What's the quote? Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door? The mainstream media needs to start building, and quit complaining that bloggers stole their mice.

Welcome To The BBC, Bitch!

Just happened to see this bit of news:

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's media regulator [Ofcom] has chastised publicly owned Channel 4 for on-air trailers that promoted the U.S. teen drama "The OC" with one of the show's most infamous lines: "Welcome to the OC, bitch."

After which, a tree surgeon was dispatched immediately to see if he could remove the stick apparently up Ofcom's collective ass.

Seriously, what happened to that "you Americans are soooo prudish" attitude we've been hearing for the last decade or so from Europe? How about the European response to last year's Super Bowl halftime? "It's just a nipple, for fuck's sake!" Remember that?

February 14, 2005

This Warms The Cockles Of My Heart

I firmly believe that many of mankind's greatest problems are a result of cold cockles.

Here's a nice post over at Dan's travels.

CNN Reporter: Ok, we need to do an update on the lack of progress in Iraq, ya know, talk about the constantly worsening security situation, native unrest, that sort of thing...

Camera Man: We've been saying the situation is "constantly worsening" since about 5 minutes after they pulled down that statue of Saddam. I mean we'd practically have to see alien mantis people walking down the street, kicking in doors, pulling out small children, and eating them in the street for things to have been "constantly worsening" for that long...

It's A Holiday

For all those not wishing to celebrate Valentine's day, may I wish you a...

Happy National Ferris Wheel Day!

Ride 'em if you got 'em. (A slogan that, I suppose, works equally well for those celebrating Valentine's Day.)

Before I go, let me also share a Valentine's Day poem by good friend** Paul Simon:

She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

**(not mine, but he must be somebody's)

Well, That's Just Weird

The strangest Google search I've had in a long time?

Justice League Porn

I didn't even know there was such a thing.

Wonder Woman: Why did you summon me? What's the emergency?

Batman: I...needed a hand with my utility belt.

Wonder Woman: That doesn't sound like a matter for the Justice League!

Batman: Today, it's the "Justus" League, baby...Just. Us.

Wonder Woman: You know, I could bind you with my magic lasso.

Batman: I'm counting on it. (cue '70s wocka wocka guitar) Now come on over here and see what you can do with this bat-pole.

February 10, 2005


I never got a chance to thank everyone for passing 6,000 hits, and here we are, already past 7,000.Yep, 6,000 flew by like it was 1,257 thanks to you faithful readers and those weirdos using Google, who are still looking daily for Colin Farrell's finger, and apparently, occasionally, Teri Hatcher's nipples.**

**Rest assured that if I ever have a meaninful encounter with either body part, all details will be found here.

Tomahawk Job

Man, I thought I had seen people rough on Churchill. Turns out that Ann Coulter, the one columnist who simultaneously turns me on and repulses me (how does she do that, anyway?), took on the question of Churchill's alleged Native American heritage (among other things) and scalps him like a...

Well, she does a number on him, anyway.

Color Me Surprised

It's rare that I vehemently disagree with FIRE, but it just so happens that they have started a blog. One of their first posts deals with a letter written by Greg Lukianoff to the University of Colorado at Boulder:
Thomas Jefferson once said, "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it." Professor Churchill's opinions regarding September 11 have been utterly rejected by the public at large, have caused public figures from across the political spectrum to unite in their outrage against him, and have led many of his own colleagues to condemn his statements. If he intended to generate sympathy for terrorists, the effect has been the opposite. We need not fear his words, and we must not allow our anger to cause us to betray our deepest moral and legal principles. Indeed, it is most important that at times like these we defend our fundamental liberties. Liberty faces a far greater threat from a rejection of the First Amendment than it does from the opinions of Ward Churchill.

Now, I'm a believer in the protection of free speech, even when it's unpopular. However, I also believe that the right of free speech is not absolute. There's always the old example of yelling "fire" in a crowded theater, but you could also consider libel/slander laws, or even those court cases in which people were arrested for using profane language in public places. (The "cussin' canoeist" case was overturned on appeal, but people are still being charged under the same law.) We have to balance the right of individual expression with the possible harmful effect(s) it may have on others in the community.

I agree that Churchill's essay is protected under free speech. That's not what I worry about, nor what I believe that CU should be investigating. You see, Lukianoff uses Jefferson's quote to defend Churchill's right to free speech. The problem is, that same quote also, I believe, creates huge problems for Churchill and justification for CU's investigation. Jefferson says "Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it," and Lukianoff uses the mass public outrage against Churchill to imply that reason has combated his "error of opinion." Jefferson is right, and in regards to the public essay, so is Lukianoff. But what about the classroom, a place where the power differential between student and professor nullifies the reason that would otherwise "combat" Ward's beliefs? Is Ward forcing his views upon his students? Is he indoctrinating them in his own radical beliefs? This is what CU should be investigating, the same as if they received word of a math professor teaching that 1+1=11, or a geography professor who continually lectures his students that the world is flat. The powers that be at CU are responsible for maintaining the integrity of the educational process. That Churchill appears to have made up his supposed Native American heritage, that he may have committed academic fraud, and that the essay in the midst of all of this has errors I wouldn't accept from my freshmen, much less a tenured professor, creates more than enough suspicion to investigate this man. Ward Churchill is an insult to those of us in higher education who do our jobs responsibly and professionally.

February 06, 2005

The Season Is Over...

We shall not speak of it again.

In Honor Of Super Bowl Sunday

My Top Ten Eleven Punchlines From Dirty Football Jokes

11. "...Because after every trip to my end zone, he'd start high-fiving me!"
10. "Believe me, I left as soon as I realized they were playing man-to-man!"
9. "Now that's what I call a backfield in motion!"
8. "Punter? I nearly killed her!" (Yeah, I know I used it below, but it was too good to leave off.)
7. "She got me for 'Illegal use of hands'."
6. "It was awful. I kept having to call a time out so he could 'ice the kicker' if you know what I mean."
5. "I came home early, and found him 'roughing the passer.'"
4. "That's okay, baby...I play better on a muddy field."
3. "After I scored, I waited for her room mate to come home, so I could 'go for two.'"
2. "He used to be a tight end...now he's a wide receiver."
1. "Gee, Mike, when you said you wanted me to 'toss the pigskin,' I thought you wanted to play catch!"

Oh, The Times, They Are A-Changing...

From WaPo:
Influential Sunni Arab leaders of a boycott of last Sunday's elections expressed a new willingness Friday to engage the coming Iraqi government and play a role in writing the constitution, in what may represent a strategic shift in thinking among mainstream anti-occupation groups.

In part, the Sunni and nationalist groups may be playing to their own constituencies. By all accounts, the Sunni turnout was far lower than that of Shiites and Kurds, although Sunni leaders debate whether that was a result of intimidation or adherence to calls for a boycott. But some residents in such Sunni towns as Ramadi and Tikrit have suggested there may be regrets over the choice. The disappointment seems strongest in urban areas, which have proved less sympathetic to the insurgency than the countryside.

The insurgents "made fools of us," said Mahmoud Ghasoub, a businessman in Baiji, a restive northern town. "They voted to disrupt the elections but failed. Now we have lost both tracks. We did not vote, nor did they disrupt the elections."

Guess that "I'm taking my ball and going home" philosophy wasn't working for you, huh?

Welcome to the World.

February 05, 2005

Caption This! Part 13

"...so I said: 'Punter? I nearly killed her!'"

It's Really Just Because I'm Lazy

I have been meaning to put up a post congratulating Antimedia for his coverage of the elections, and directing all of you over there, but I haven't. My guilt is now doubled because he happened to write a very nice post about me. But don't think that's the reason I'm writing the post now. This isn't just lip service, or some mutual admiration society.

I first discovered his blog during the Kerry/Vietnam/Swiftboat issue. He had done some amazing research, and I found that if I needed facts, figures, dates, etc. for my own posts, I needed look no further because if he hadn't done the research himself, he had a link to someone who did. And you can trust his research--the guy has integrity.

He's a regular read for me, and I think he's once again doing a hell of a job--this time, with the events surrounding the elections in Iraq. You would do well for yourself to cruise on over there and spend some time reading through the posts. Some of the best ones are here, here, and here.

He mentions that I was one of the early readers of his blog, but I have to say that I had no idea he was just starting out. I just assumed he had been around for a long time because the writing was so professionally done. I hope he continues with it.

February 04, 2005

Just Wondering...

Does anyone know what happened to that serviceman who was captured? I heard he was rescued by Spider-Man, The Six-Million-Dollar Man, and some guy with a "kung-fu grip."

It seems that the heroes arrived too late, and the poor devil had already been beheaded. But after retrieving the head from the dog's mouth, the quick-thinking rescuers snapped it back on again, leaving the hearty soldier none the worse for wear, except for some dog slobber.

CNN military analyst James Marks, a retired Army general, questioned its authenticity.

He told CNN in a phone interview that the flak jacket in the picture had a kind of trim along the edges that he'd never seen before, and that the open-legged pants, as opposed to gathered hems, struck him as odd.

He also questioned what appeared to be camouflage paint on the face.

"We have not used camo paint with conventional forces serving in Iraq," Marks said.

Yeah...That was the clue. As opposed to the blank expression and painted-on pupils. Nice work, Sherlock.


Gives a whole new meaning to the words "to go."

Cheer Up, Everybody!

Yet another great stride taken in science:
The study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that the women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed.

The crazy thing is, it seemed to make the men happier as well.

Yeah, It Was Me...What Are You Gonna Do About It?

At work, I saw a handwritten sign that someone had posted which read "1,440 U.S. dead as of 1/28/05."

When no one was looking, I wrote this underneath:

"8 million+ Iraqis paid tribute to them on 1/30/05."

Eh...What's Up, Doc?

This just in from National Geographic:

Chinese scientists at the Shanghai Second Medical University in 2003 successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs.

The press attempted to get pictures of the creature in the incubator, but were turned away by one of the researchers. "Be vewy, vewy qwiet," he said, "We're bwewing wabbits."
In Minnesota last year researchers at the Mayo Clinic created pigs with human blood flowing through their bodies.

The creature lived for only a few days, however. Apparently, the pitiful thing was depressed over not being able to wear pants, in addition to researchers making fun of the animal's speech impediment. A note found next to the body read "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"
And at Stanford University in California an experiment might be done later this year to create mice with human brains.

"We hope he will be able to walk upright, and wear gloves and shorts," said one hopeful researcher. "He may even be able to pilot a steamboat, sweep up with a broomstick, and possibly own a pet dog!"

Oh, God...I have way too much time on my hands.

February 02, 2005

Sacre Merde!

Is it some kind of Truth in labeling?
In an announcement which is stunning the world, France has decided to change its name permanently to Stinkland.

Nope, just some hijinx from our good friends over at the Weekly World News.

Was Haley Joel Osment Too Busy?

From the "You've got to be shitting me" department:

Leonardo DiCaprio has received a lifetime achievement award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival.

Aparently, they've confused DiCaprio with the Giant Panda, whose lifespan is roughly thriry years.